


Blinded by the Lights

by Thisiswhatwelost



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bones needs a hug, Everything is a work in progress, F/M, Kirk is super oblivious, Kirk needs a hug, She finally gets the therapy she needs, They all need a hug, and some big feels, come on he's a Vulcan he can only do so much, even though Spock is putting out major signs, female kirk - Freeform, healthy communication is a work in progress, hell yeah, mental health positivity, spock needs a hug, we all just want to take care of our babies, we got some serious growth up in this bitch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:35:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 68,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23909317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thisiswhatwelost/pseuds/Thisiswhatwelost
Summary: She was dead.  And then suddenly she wasn't. And what on earth was she supposed to do about that?
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 41
Kudos: 145





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hullo!
> 
> This is something that I've been thinking on for awhile now, and what with the quarantine in full force right now, it seems I have nothing but time. Which is good news for you, I've busted out three chapters in two days, giving myself a little bit of a buffer. I can't commit to a posting schedule, life is too hectic right now with a 4 month old baby, and I can't promise I'll always have the time to sit and write like I want to. But dammit, I'm gonna try.
> 
> I appreciate any and all feedback.
> 
> Please let me know about any glaring errors you find, I didn't have anyone to proofread this for me.

_I was formless. I was conscious. I was_ everywhere _. Universes burned through my mind, flashes of lives that I slipped in and out of. Lovers coming together, again and again. Parents lost in grief, mourning the loss of their child. Little ones shrieking with laughter in an endless game of chase. Worlds that ever lived on through the grinding of the wheel. Empires that rose and fell only to take on another name eons later and try once again. I was a part of everything. A never ending pattern, woven through the very fabric of existence. I bore witness to it all. I saw everything. I had never seen anything more beautiful._

_But… there was something… I couldn’t place it, but somewhere in the grand tapestry, it was there. A dark spot. A void. Something… something was missing. Almost unnoticeable by how small the vacuum was compared to everything, but once I saw it, it was the only thing I could see. This deep, bottomless pit full of nothing, missing everything. It pulled at my soul in a way that sent a chill down to my core. I could hear whispers coming from it. I could barely remember them, distant as they were from the purpose I now served, but recognition went through me all the same._

**_‘George, she’s beautiful…’_ **

**_‘Your father was Captain of… I_ ** **dare** **_you to be better.’_ **

**_ight now I am failing.’_ **

_I… I knew these people. Who were they? It disturbed me how… unfinished this void felt. Like something had been stolen from it before this part of the pattern was complete. It lacked everything. Life, color, purpose. It bled out to everything around it, leeching the hope, making everything around it look bleak and lifeless. Like all the threads cocooning this void had given up all hope of repairing it, but they were too committed to try anything else._

_There was one spot in particular that seemed to be almost as black as the threads right next to it. I realized with great sorrow that the threads reaching out from the void made up half of this spot right next to it that was somehow still alive. Though not for long, judging by how fast the color drained away. It was in the shape of… something. Someone? I couldn’t remember, though I struggled to see the whole pattern I knew I was missing. There was something, just there, tickling me at the back of my mind. But what was it? ...what was it…?_

_“Oh, my petite_ _prière, whatever are you doing here? You aren’t supposed to see this yet.”_

 _For a moment, the universe_ stopped _, and I could feel a slight tug from… somewhere. With alarm I realized it was pulling me down, down, in towards the pit. I struggled, but my momentum was relentless and… I just…_

With a gasp, I wrenched my eyes open. Colors swam in front of me, making my head spin. Oh, God, I was going to be sick. I closed my eyes to take a grounding breath, and winced as pain lanced through every single inch of my body. My throat felt dry and scratchy, my lips cracked, and I was pretty sure that something heavy and immovable had run roughshod over my whole body. It felt like every bone in my body had been broken, _twice_.

“Nnnngmpf,” I groaned in complaint at the pain of my own existence. There was a soft chuckle next to me, and I jumped (well, I tried to jump), startled. My eyes cracked open much more carefully this time, and I glared in the direction of the noise only to gasp as the image of my best friend in his hospital whites stood there, with his arms crossed over his chest.

_Bones._

Something in me _tightened_ in… I’m not sure whether to call it elation, relief, grief, shame… maybe it was a mix of it all. But once I found his soft, southern, blue eyes, I hiccuped and realized with mortification that I was _sobbing_.

“Oh, Piper, don’t be so melodramatic,” Bones murmured affectionately. “You were _barely_ dead.”

Bones reached out and brushed my bangs back from my face as I let loose a watery chuckle and shook my head, speechless.

“It’s the blood transfusions that really took a toll on you. You were in a coma for two weeks.” Bones brow furrowed with worry at that, and he pulled back from me, slipping into the mask his career demanded from him. He pulled a tricorder out from his pocket and ran it over my face, concentrating on the readings as I tried desperately to pull myself together.

Transfusions? What kind of transfusion cured _death?_ Because I had _definitely_ died. I could feel the memory of it pressing against my mind, taunting me, and I shied away from it in terror. Not yet. I was not nearly ready to deal with that yet. Later. _Later._ So what had brought me back from that… place? It had to be something unorthodox, that’s for sure. Something practically superhuman to achieve the levels of healing my body required.

My eyes widened as it clicked into place.

“Khan?” I croaked. Jesus, but that didn’t even sound like me. Bones nodded, a grim line set to his mouth. I’d had a transfusion of Khan’s blood to save my life. Oh man, I was _really_ going to throw up now. To think I had his blood in my veins made me feel all sorts of icky.

 _Later_.

“I developed a serum from his blood to transfuse. Your cells were _heavily_ irradiated, and it took some time for your body to adjust. To be honest, it was kind of hit and miss there for awhile.” A haunted look was buried there, deep within his soul, and I only saw it because he let me. A deep, endless well of shame swallowed me whole, and my bottom lip quivered before I bit down. What had Bones gone through when my body - _my body_ \- had found its way to _his_ table? What faults did he find in himself at my death? What nightmares would he have to face, and for how long?

Don’t get me wrong, I made the _right_ choice, and I would make it again without question to save my crew and those that I held most dear. If I was ever in a position like that, I knew down to my core that I would always and gladly give my life away in the need of saving those around me. But I could have the conviction that I made the right choice, and still feel upset about how it hurt those around me. 

Bones blinked, and the pain was gone, the moment broken. He straightened back up to his full height and put the tricorder away, satisfied with the results. This time when he looked down at me, there was a gentle humor behind his eyes.

“Tell me, are you feeling homicidal, power mad, despotic?” I smiled weakly, trying to clear the rough feeling away from my throat to speak easier. (I was not successful).

“No more than normal,” I whispered. Bones nodded and walked to the other side of my biobed, presumably to inspect the _bags_ of medicine pumping into my veins. (is that why my brain felt so foggy?) I wasn’t sure though, because my eyes stopped tracking his movements when I saw Spock was watching me quietly from the corner in his dress greys. Immediately, I felt my pulse quicken, and I was so grateful that Bones had the chime of the EKG turned off.

Spock’s brown eyes were hooded, closed off to me, and all I could see from this far away was a tightness in his shoulders. My hand twitched, wanting to reach out to him and beckon him closer, but I clenched my fingers into a fist instead. As if he read my mind, Spock took slow, careful steps towards me until he was standing in the space that Bones had just occupied. He looked… so empty. Hollow. Like… something had been taken from him, and he couldn’t be bothered with the energy to even feel upset about it.

Much to my dismay, I started sobbing all over again.

Spock’s eyes softened, warmed to me, and I could see the emotions he was holding back boiling up inside him. They flashed across his face too quickly for me to discern what he was feeling, but they were _there_ . I fisted my hands in the sheets, and took great, gulping gasps of air to try and steady my breathing, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t. I was so overwhelmed. I felt so _much_ that I couldn’t even begin to describe it at that moment. It consumed me, and I felt flashes of the emotions I’d been holding back at my death. It all pressed down on me, and my sobbing grew louder and more desperate. Next to me, Bones made a noise of mild concern.

“Hey, _hey,_ Piper, you need to calm down. Piper!”

“If my presence is too distressing, perhaps I should visit at a later - “

“ _No!_ ” It took me a moment to realize the loud cry of despair had come from me. Both men jumped and looked down at me in surprise. The thought of Spock leaving when he was so close, when I could finally _touch_ him if I wanted, I just wanted to be able to reach through the glass and just _touch him_ one last time…

I could not physically stomach the idea of Spock leaving. Fuck decorum, I felt entitled to be a little selfish after _dying_.

Sue me.

“P-please don’t leave, Spock. I’m sorry, I’m a mess, I don’t even know why I’m crying, but I can’t… Bones, please don’t make him leave me, _please_ . I just, I just need a minute to calm down, I’m a little overwhelmed, but I’m okay, _I’m okay_ \- “

“Piper,” Bones cut me off sharply. I hiccuped and bit back the rest of my pleading. My friend clucked disapprovingly at me and dabbed the tears and snot off my face with a tissue. “Calm down. Take deep breaths for me, that’s right. Just like that.”

I nodded and slowed my breathing. I hadn’t realized that I’d been hyperventilating until Bones had pointed it out. My face flushed in embarrassment. 

“Now, if you can keep yourself _calmed the hell down,_ then Spock can stay, but I will _not_ have anything or anyone in here that is going to stress you out.” I’d heard this tone of voice before, and I knew how serious Bones was. He would remove Spock in a heartbeat if Bones thought it was wearing me too thin, damn the consequences. 

I took a deep breath. I nodded. Bones narrowed his eyes at me for a moment before reading my acceptance on his face and nodding.

“I have to put in some orders to change your medications now that you’re awake. I’ll only be gone twenty minutes.” Bones held a finger out to me warningly. “ _Calm_.”

I did _not_ stick my tongue out at him as he left, but Spock _absolutely_ quirked a ghost of a smile at me for it. I looked up at him, sheepish. Spock, unflappable in the face of my mess of a self, pulled a chair away from the wall and set it closer to my bedside before sitting down and placing his cap on my bedside table.

The silence stretched between us for several minutes. I was watching him watching me, wondering what could possibly be flitting across his big, beautiful brain when he took a breath in through his nose.

“How are you feeling, Captain?” I shrugged. Well, I tried to shrug. It was more of a twitch of my shoulders that made me wince as my sore and abused muscles protested. 

“Like I died,” I said flatly, wiping away the last of my breakdown off my face. Spock _flinched_ away from me like I had slapped him and something - surprise? Hurt? - brushed his features before he caught himself and schooled his face into calmness once again. I ducked my head in shame.

“Sorry, that was insensitive,” I murmured. Spock merely blinked at me. “How did you guys get enough of Khan’s blood for a transfusion?”

Spock blinked once, twice, before collecting his hands neatly in his lap to answer.

“After your… death” did his voice actually hitch? “the crew of the _Enterprise_ was able to apprehend and detain Khan at the behest of Doctor McCoy.”

“Detain? How did you guys detain _Khan_?”

“By rendering him unconscious through physical altercation.” 

My eyes narrowed at Spock suspiciously.

“And just what possessed you to get into said altercation with the homicidal, power mad, despotic maniac?” Spock’s lips pursed and a burning _rage_ rolled off of him in _waves_ , catching me completely by surprise, pressing at me on the edge of my awareness. I watched, fascinated, as he struggled to bury the raw emotion behind a lifetime of training. The muscles in his jaw worked to keep whatever it was he’d reflexively wanted to say buried deep in his chest. I wanted so badly to reach out and run my fingers across his lips, to feel the whisper of him at my fingertips. I fiddled with my blanket instead, patient.

“A feeling at the moment of your passing that I can only describe as a desire for vengeance,” Spock finally admitted so quietly that I doubted I’d heard him correctly at first. I dropped my gaze down to the blanket, filled with a sad, empty feeling.

“I’m sorry, Spock.” He tilted his head slightly in question. “I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt any of you. I was just trying to… to do the right thing.”

“Logic dictates that you did make the right choice,” he replied calmly. I made a noncommittal noise, looking back up to him tentatively.

_Then why do I feel like I’ve done something wrong?_

“As such, there is no requirement to apologize for simply being… logical.” The words were definitely something Spock would normally say, but the tone wasn’t there. It was… flat somehow, lacking. Like his heart wasn’t really behind what he was saying. I frowned at him, concerned.

“Spock, are you okay?” His shoulders stiffened. His chocolate eyes lowered to examine his hands, and I could tell he was trying to think up an honest response that wouldn’t tell the truth. (It’s an annoying ability all Vulcans seem to possess)

Right as he opened his mouth to respond, the door to my room whooshed open, and Bones walked through, fiddling with something in my medical chart. Spock’s mouth snapped shut with an audible click, and he stood wordlessly, collecting his hat and placing the chair back in its original spot. I watched him, dismayed. He was leaving. The desperate feeling filled me once again, but I choked it down.

I wouldn’t beg him to stay a second time. I would _not_.

“I, regretfully, have a previous engagement to attend to, Captain,” he explained. I nodded gloomily, trying to hide my disappointment. By the way Spock hesitated I don’t think I did a very good job. “However, I am uncommitted to any appointments tomorrow, and I am able to spend more time here keeping you company, if you are amenable.”

I smiled shyly and nodded my agreement. I _knew_ I was blushing, I could feel the warmth in my cheeks. Spock had the grace to pretend he didn’t notice, _bless him._

“Chess?” I asked hopefully.

“Chess.” Spock replied. I turned to watch Bones act like he was busy so I didn’t have to see Spock walk through the door.

* * *

_“You saved the crew.”_

_His voice was deep. Had always been deep. Would always be deep. My heart ached and throbbed with the realization that there would be days his voice carried through that I would never experience. That these were my last moments with him, my last chance to look upon his face, and feel the full weight of his attention._

_I choked on a sob building up in my chest._

_He would be safe. I had to take comfort from that. My death wasn’t meaningless. My ship was badly injured, but because of what I’d done at least it wouldn’t catapult to the face of the earth and kill everyone I’d come to love like my own._

_There wasn’t any time to waste by doing something as pitiful as grieve._

_“You used what he wanted against him.”_

_My voice was so rough, it hardly sounded like me. I could tell Spock was thinking the same by the flicker of anguish in his brown eyes. I forced a weak grin and nodded in approval._

_“That’s a nice move.”_

_“It is what you would have done,” he admitted quietly._

_Emotion swelled up in me, and this time I couldn’t stop the tears from forming in my eyes. I wheezed with another breath. I was so touched. I wanted to wrap him up safely in the comfort of my arms and whisper my love into his hair. I wanted so_ much _._

 _I_ never _got what I wanted._

_“And this… this is what you would’ve done. It was only logical.” I responded._

_Spock blinked in surprise and kind of… sank under the weight of my own admission. He didn’t refute what I had to say, because logically, he knew I was right. Fuck, he_ had _tried to do something like this down on Nibiru. And in the confines of my own mind and the memories I still kept from meeting Spock’s older version on Vega, I knew for a fact that Spock had done this. In another life, and slightly different circumstances to be sure, but Spock had irradiated himself to save the crew._

_“I’m scared Spock.”_

_My voice trembled._

_I hated it. I hated my own weakness, and my own sense of duty and honor. I hated everything about this choice. I hated that I had to die. I hated that I was suffocating more on my own fear than on my failing body functions. I hated that I was the one that shattered Spock’s control so thoroughly that I didn’t have to search deep into his eyes to find the despair he was battling. I burned with the force of my hatred._

_Or maybe I was just feverish?_

_“Help me not be,” I pleaded. “How do you choose not to feel?”_

_Spock’s shoulders were shaking. I’d never seen him shake like this, not even when his mother died. Not even in the fit of rage I’d pushed him into so I could wrest control away from him. He sniffled softly before answering, and with a sense of horror I realized that my Vulcan was crying._

_“I do not know. Right now I am failing.”_

_The fact that he could freely admit that spoke volumes. I watched, morbidly fascinated, as a single tear escaped and rolled down his cheek. He did nothing to wipe it away. I’m not sure he even noticed. I looked up into his eyes, and the sheer amount of_ pain _I could feel in his gaze broke the dam on my own tears. They felt blessedly warm against my clammy skin. I started crying, ugly and emotional. Spock pressed himself even closer to the glass, as if the sheer force of his will could make him phase through and scoop me up to safety._

_But there was no miracle or last minute trick I could pull out of thin air this time._

_I was going to die._

_“Sp-Spock, I need… I’m sorry. I’m, fuck, I…”_

_I wanted to close my eyes to shy away from the magnitude of grief I felt weighing me down, but I couldn’t. These were my last moments. I couldn’t lose even one more second._

_“Piper.”_

_“I’m so sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, I-”_

_“Piper,_ stop _.”_

_I stopped._

_“I do not know what to say to aid you,” he admitted, his voice sounding wet and broken. “I am ill equipped to comfort you in times of great stress such as these.”_

_It was such a simple thing, such an honest truth, but the lack of oxygen and pain was making me delirious. It sounded like he was asking me to stop so he didn’t have to try and comfort me, because he would fail. Because he wanted to be spared the embarrassment. But of course he wouldn’t say something that callous. Still, I couldn’t help the giggles._

_I devolved into a fit that was somewhere between sobbing and laughing, and I could see the worry in his face deepen._

_God, but I_ loved _this man._

_“Oh my God, you’re so…” I gasped, well and truly struggling for air at this point._

_It took Herculean effort to compose myself enough to smile up at him. I brought a shaky hand up and pressed it against the glass in a way that I could almost believe meant I was touching his cheek._

_“You’re so great, do you know that?”_

_There was a flash of_ something _so quick, I couldn’t register what it was. He raised his hand and lined it up to mine in the ta’al. I clumsily worked my fingers together to match his, affection bubbling up in me. I wondered what it would feel like to have his fingers really pressed against mine. Would they be soft, or worn with use? How much warmer was his skin? Would my body tingle where it grazed against his? How long would it take after this for Spock to feel happy again? How much did he have to suffer before he could put my death behind him? Would he ever forget about me? Could he have come to love me as much as I loved him?_

_All questions I would never live long enough to have answered._

_Spock’s expression warmed for a brief moment into something like wonder as he stared at where our hands met on the glass. He blinked heavily, and another tear ran down his cheeks. His eyes slid past our hands to my face, where I could feel the smile still on my lips._

_“I find myself feeling the same sentiments for you, my friend,” he admitted softly._

_I love you._

_The words were right there. I could taste them. I could feel them itching behind my lips, and I wanted so badly to open my mouth and finally release myself from this one great secret. To shed this last burden, and bring him into the deepest depths of my heart. To share with him just how great and profound these emotions I sheltered for him burned under my skin every time I saw him. How every glimmer of a smile in his eyes warmed me all the way down to my toes. That his gentle affection didn’t go unnoticed. That I appreciated every single fucking thing about his existence. That he was_ important _to me in ways that no one could ever be to claim, not even Bones._

_I wanted…_

_But I never did._

_Because in the next moments, my body squeezed the air from my lungs, and everything around me went black. Spock’s brown eyes were the last things I saw before one final breath shuddered out of my body, then… nothing._

My eyes snapped open, and I _screamed_ . Sweat rolled down into my eyes, stinging them, but it washed out quickly from the tears pouring down my face. I choked, and heaved in a great gasp of air before I collapsed in on myself and _wept_ . I bit my pillow to try and muffle the high-pitched keening noises I was making. So many emotions flashed through me, that I couldn’t hold on to just one and experience it well enough to process. They all tried to take control - grief, terror, love, heartache, _rage_ at how unfair this all was, _why was my life always so fucking unfair?_ I could feel my heart trying to beat out of my chest with all of the emotion I was experiencing.

I froze.

What if… what if my heart gave out right now? What if the stress triggered some latent problem Bones hadn’t noticed? What if the cortisol had built up enough in such a way that it just… gave out? Was that even a thing that could happen? What if it was something Bones didn’t think to look out for?

_What if I died again?_

Immediately, my breathing became erratic, and my eyes snapped open wide and unseeing. Blind panic took over all thought processes, so I didn’t hear the nurse enter the room and try to get my attention. I didn’t feel the prick of the hypospray in my neck, or hear the soothing platitudes offered to me in an attempt to calm me down. I did, however, feel the rapid effects of the medicine as it pumped through my veins. My heartbeat slowed dramatically, and my emotions kind of… fogged over until I was aware that they were there, but it was much harder to feel them and hold on to them. A kind of numbness worked its way over me, starting at my toes. My breathing slowed. 

I felt _really_ heavy.

“There we go,” the nurse cooed above me. I blinked with cemented eyelids and tried to look towards her, but it took too much effort, and I was suddenly _so tired_. She reached out and ran her fingers through my hair comfortingly.

“You’re alright, Ms. Kirk. You’re safe. Go back to sleep now, you need your rest.” I tried to frown. I didn’t think I wanted to sleep. It was fuzzy, but I think sleep is what caused the problem in the first place. However, nothing in my body wanted to cooperate with me, and much to my dismay I felt my consciousness slipping away from my control.

My last thought before the blackness overcame me was a paralyzing image of brown eyes, wet with tears, and an impossible pressure waiting to burst out of my chest.


	2. Chapter 2

"Now if you feel any weakness, or anything abnormal, you are to come straight back here for a full examination. You need to fill these prescriptions as soon as possible. You can't walk about and have another attack like that, you'll pass out on the streets."

I rolled my eyes and swung my legs impatiently on the bed.

"Oh my _God_ , Bones, will you chill? You sound like my brother, good _grief_. I'm fine. You've run every kind of test known to man - some of which I still want to file a complaint for, by the way - and _I'm fine._ You really need to take some time off and -"

" _Piper_."

I stopped at the growl in his voice. My eyes abandoned their examination of the speck of dirt I found hiding in the corner and snapped to look at my best friend. He looked angry, and haggard, and… sad.

"I am _serious._ You _will not_ ignore me. Not this time. Not about this."

My face softened, and I thought back to what he had gone through with me these past three weeks. It hadn't been the easiest thing to guide my body back to healing, even with the help of Khan's _grossness_ pumping through my body. It didn't help that I obviously was struggling with some very serious PTSD, and was gripped by uncontrollable night terrors and daily panic attacks. Granted, they had been getting better with a regimen of beta blockers and anti-anxiety medication, but I knew that I wouldn't be as religious with those pills once I was responsible for myself again. I couldn't help that I hated how foggy my brain felt with all the Xanax.

I hopped off the bed, my legs unsteady for a second before adjusting to my weight - _when was I ever this weak?_ \- and I rested my hand lightly against his cheek. His brow was furrowed in deep concern, and he covered my smaller hand with his own, holding it against his warmth for a moment before he closed his eyes and let out his breath through his nose.

"What did I do to deserve a friend like you?" I asked him softly. Bones' blue eyes opened and crinkled down at me in a ghost of a smile.

"Flattery will not distract me, and you know it." he muttered just as quietly. I snorted.

"Alright, alright, the first sign of trouble and I'll be pounding on your door at four in the morning. Better?" Bones rolled his eyes, but there was a grin tugging at his lips, so I knew he couldn't be too annoyed with me.

"You are an insufferable _brat_."

"You love me."

"Lord knows why."

"Because you're a masochist."

Bones sighed for a dramatically long time, dropping his hand down to his sides and closing his eyes. Then, because he was right and I _was_ an insufferable brat, I pinched his cheek, biting my tongue against the giggle I felt building in my chest.

"Take your prescriptions and get your scrawny ass out of my hospital," he groused. My cheeks hurt with how hard I was grinning. I snatched the paper he was holding out to me and shoved it in my back pocket. With a wiggle of my fingers in what could sort of be called a wave, I walked out of the room and started down the hallway. A chirp from my communicator sounded once I got to the doors to the lift and I pulled it out, frowning in curiosity.

_**I have been made aware you are being discharged from the hospital today**_.

Spock.

I blushed in the relative safety of the empty lift. I had not anticipated this level of… camaraderie? I wasn't quite sure what to call it, but after I'd woken up in the hospital, Spock and I had… some level of closeness that I didn't know how to clearly define. I felt very safe calling him one of my closest friends before I died, but this somehow felt different.

We'd shared something, down in the belly of our ship, before I'd passed away. That much was obvious. He had _been there_ when I was weeping and terrified, and had been the last thing I could remember seeing before…well, _before._ I could remember every detail of that experience, so I know for a fact that I hadn't said anything to make him aware of the feelings I was hiding. It wasn't fair for me to dump that on him when I wouldn't have to live with consequences and he was in a committed relationship with someone I also considered a dear friend.

But maybe… maybe he knew anyway?

I'd made him _cry_ for chrissake. Even if he didn't understand the all-consuming _depth_ of emotions I harbored for him, he had to have his suspicions. He had to know there was _something_ there. I could understand this, accept it, and move on with life as normal. I didn't _need_ him to be mine in that way, I was happy simply being allowed to be in his life and witness the happiness he shared with another person. Sure, it killed some part of me that I wasn't the one that was giving him that happiness, but I wasn't so immature as to try and ruin what he had _now_ for something that wasn't even a guarantee.

Plus, let's be honest, I had attachment issues. I'd been burned too many times in the past for me to just believe that he would find something worth sticking around for. I don't care what Spock from alluded to. _This_ Spock is what mattered, and he was his own person allowed to make his own decisions.

Which apparently seemed to be spending as much time as he physically could with me while I recovered in the hospital. Every single day he stopped by, even if he didn't have the time to sit and play a game of chess. Even if all he could spare was to pop in, inquire after my health, and leave. He had never missed a day. I felt ridiculously spoiled, and I wasn't even sure why. I was worried how Uhura must have been feeling neglected with his lack of attention, but too chickenshit to ask him how she was doing. I knew that he had precious little time. He told me how he'd volunteered to help with the relief efforts at the academy, cleaning up the wreckage, looking for lost souls in the rubble. And when he wasn't doing that, he was helping his fellow professors try and salvage something of their classes together.

Life goes on.

The point is, he did not have the time to be repairing the academy, visiting my dumb ass in the hospital, _and_ devoting quality time with his significant other. There simply weren't enough hours in the day. I felt horribly guilty as flashes of Uhura, beautiful, terrifying, remarkable Uhura flashed through my mind. But I was too weak to force him to stop. There was some part of me that _wanted_ to be selfish and make him lick my wounds with me.

I frowned, but sent out a response regardless.

_**Yeah. I'm just now leaving, actually.**_ I jumped when I _immediately_ got a response.

_**I offer my sincere congratulations.**_ I grinned softly and shoved myself into the corner as a doctor and nurse stepped on the lift with me, talking about something in hushed tones.

_**Thanks. I can't believe I'm finally out. I feel like I just escaped prison.** _

_**You would look frightening in a prison uniform.**_ I paused, confused.

_**What do you mean?** _

_**Simply that orange is not your color.**_ A surprised laugh escaped me before I could catch it, and the doctor and nurse jumped, looking at me over their shoulder. I blushed in embarrassment and muttered out an apology, trying to shove myself even further into the corner. Maybe if I tried hard enough, the wall would swallow me whole.

_**I will have you know that every color is my color. Also that sounded suspiciously like teasing, Spock.** _

_**That is most likely because I was teasing.**_ My fingers tightened around the comm in my hand, and a small, tentative grin pulled at my lips. I rolled my eyes with affection before shoving the comm back in my pocket. As much as I enjoyed talking with Spock, I didn't know quite how to handle this side of him I had never seen before, and I needed a moment to take stock of myself and just… learn how to breathe properly.

'Integrate back into society' Bones had called it. Lots of technical medical jargon that I had stopped listening to before the end of the first sentence.

When the lift finally reached the ground floor, it took all of my patience to allow the doctor and nurse to step off first. But once they did, I practically _ran_ into the lobby, and sped towards the glass doors. They eased open automatically, silent and clear, allowing a rare amount of sunshine into the building.

For a moment, I stood there, just letting the cool air off the bay hit me in the face, and closed my eyes, breathing it all in. The smell of moisture, tinged with the general smells of the city filled my lungs, and I swear to God I had never loved a smell more than that one in that moment. There was a burning pressure behind my eyes, and much to my horror, I felt warmth travel down my cheeks to fall off my chin. Hastily, I blinked my eyes open several times, trying to clear the sudden blur, and swiped my hands at the traitorous moisture on my face.

Bones had warned me that San Francisco wasn't the same, and wouldn't be for a long time. There had been too much damage, especially at the academy, and the proximity of the Starfleet funded hospital to the campus was close enough that I could see that tangled mess of metal and half-broken buildings without having to squint. The _Vengeance_ had been disassembled and removed in the weeks I had been in the hospital, so there was that at least. I wasn't too sure how well I would have reacted to seeing that great, mountainous black creature looming over me as soon as I was discharged.

Even thinking about it was making my heart pound in a way I could _feel_ down in my toes. I dropped my eyes down to my shoes, forcing the image of all the death and destruction to the back of my mind while I took a deep breath in through my nose to focus.

" _Is there anything you would not do for_ your _family?"_

It left a sour taste in my mouth. Of course, there was no way he could have known how the events would have played out after that. I don't care how smart he thought he was, no one can see the future. And yet, it still felt like Khan had been _pushing_ me towards something. Like he had already proven himself worthy by the trials he'd faced under Marcus, and the worth of my crew was dependent upon what I was willing to sacrifice for them. Like he had examined, processed, and measured me up and found me wanting. Like if I wanted to be the best, I had to give _everything_.

Maybe that was just my own insecurities talking.

Carefully, I allowed myself to feel the panic and terror that always came with thinking about Khan. I felt it, and breathed through it, and with a great exhale, let it go.

Well… I tried to let it go.

It mostly worked.

This time.

Anxiety was a fickle mistress. At least I wasn't alone in my anxiety, though. Lots of people with Near Death Experiences suffered from extreme anxiety and panic attacks. So it's not like this was an abnormal reaction.

_Except you didn't nearly die,_ I heard coldly ringing around in my head, the one place I couldn't run away from. _You_ did _die, no sign of life for over five hours according to Bones._

I gulped and shakily set off towards my apartment, letting the general buzz of the city wash over me like a blanket. If I could just make it to my place without falling into the ground in a ball, then I would call this day an absolute win.

* * *

I shot up in bed, screeching. My eyes, unseeing, flicked around wildly for the man - the _beast_ \- that I knew had to be lurking around somewhere. He had to be here, I just saw him, he was pressing his thumbs into Marcus' skull, and he just kept pressing and pressing and _pressing_ until there was the sound of crunching bones and oh my God, I was never going to forget that sound. And Carol, _Carol_ , screaming in a way that didn't even sound human anymore. I could feel the pain in my body from where he had beat me, and I just knew when he turned his eyes on me, blood dripping off his hands, that I was next. He was after me, and I was absolutely going to die, there was nothing I could do to escape this time.

There was a thud as I fell off my bed, wrapped in my sheets so tightly that I flopped around very ungracefully. I couldn't _breathe_ around the sheer terror in my chest, and I just knew that my heart was going to give out. I had to get to Bones. I had to call him and get him to come save me. Lovely, sweet Bones. He was always there for me, even when I didn't know I needed him. He deserved a much better friend than I was. A deep flash of guilt cut through the wall of fear as I scrambled to untangle my legs from my sheets, my whole body shaking.

_I couldn't breathe._

I had to call Bones. I had to let him know to come and get my corpse and get more of Khan's blood. God, I always had to be saved by someone, why was I so _useless?_

I could hear myself hyperventilating as I waited for Bones to pick up. I don't know how I'd even gotten the damn thing to work, my hands were trembling so violently. I curled up in a ball on the floor, willing my doom away. The communicator sat by my face, and I bore my gaze into it, my eye blown wide.

"Fuck, Piper, what _time_ is it? I didn't think you were _serious_ when you said you would wake me up at four in the goddamn morning."

A great breath whooshed out of me as his gruff voice, hoarse with sleep, wrapped around me.

"B-Bones, help me," I whimpered. I heard a loud noise and a grunt, but when he responded all trace of exhaustion was gone.

"Piper, what's wrong?"

"I-I can't… My chest, Bones, it hurts."

"Okay, Piper, _Piper,_ I need you to take a deep breath for me."

I shook my head before I remembered he couldn't see me.

"It hurts too much, Bones, I can't - I can't get it to stop. Please, please make it stop. I don't want to die. Bones, I'm scared, I can feel it, and I don't want to die again, help me, please, I don't want to die alone. I'm so scared. I don't want to -"

"Piper!" I jolted at how loud he sounded and bit my lip."Piper, you're not going to die. Did you get those prescriptions filled?"

Fuck, he didn't believe me. This couldn't be normal. Why wasn't he _worried_? Why wasn't he _coming over here_?

"Piper, you're having a panic attack. If you have those pills, I need you to take out the Xanax, and bite into one. It's going to taste bitter, but you have to swallow it. And then swallow a second pill whole. Can you do that for me?"

Dimly, in my mind, something clicked as I realized he was right. I _was_ having a panic attack. I scrambled for the bag of pills on my nightstand and dumped them on the floor in front of me. I grabbed the one with Xanax in it and had to try three times before I could pop the top off. I poured a few pills out into my palm and quickly threw one in my mouth, biting down.

It tasted disgusting. Like earwax (don't ask how I know that). I choked it down the best I could and grabbed one last pill to swallow before dumping the excess back in the bottle and sealing everything. Then, I collapsed on the floor next to the communicator and waited.

"Piper? Piper, honey, are you there? I heard the sound of your medicine. What's going on?"

Shit. How long had Bones been waiting for me to say something back?

"I'm here. I'm on the floor."

I could feel the shaking in my body lessen. Not from the medicine. Even chewing doesn't make Xanax work that fast. It was more from the knowledge that I wasn't dying, I was just having another fucking panic attack. I'd been dealing with them ever since I woke up in the hospital. Bones had wanted to keep me longer out of concern, but short of pumping me full of anti-anxiety medication all day, there wasn't much he could do for me. I needed a different kind of medical professional, because by my friend's standards, I was healthy.

_I was safe._

I felt like crying for a completely different set of reasons.

"Did you take the pills?" he asked, worried.

"Yeah, I took them." I mumbled.

I heard a very audible sigh of relief. There was the sound of shuffling and a groan.

"You doing okay?" he asked gently.

"Uhm… I guess. A little embarrassed, but otherwise I'm okay." Bones chuckled.

"Yeah, I can imagine." There was a pregnant pause. "Did you get a chance to look over that list of recommendations I sent you?"

I sighed.

"No, Bones. Not yet. I kind of spent the day… adjusting."

"That sounds promising," he snarked.

"Everything was too… loud," I whispered. Bones sighed again, and I could picture the way he wiped a hand over his face when everything in his life felt too heavy.

"I know, kiddo. Maybe look it over in the morning, after some sleep? You really need to see somebody."

My heart fluttered dangerously.

"No, I can't go back to sleep, Bones."

"Well with that much Xanax in your system, you're gonna be hard pressed to stay awake in a few minutes."

I glared at the device next to me on the floor, and realized with some resentment that not only had my shaking completely stopped, but my body already felt a little heavy. I huffed out an annoyed noise and grabbed my communicator to crawl back up on my bed.

"Ew," I said, disgusted at how soaked my sheets were with sweat, and my pillow with snot and tears. "My bed is disgusting. I can't sleep here."

"There's always the floor, if you're picky." Fucker sounded _so_ amused about this.

"May all your bacon burn," I grumped at him. He snorted.

"Brat."

"Dick." I felt my eyelids drift down, heavy and weighted down with the power of benzos. I felt so gross, though, and I just knew that another dream was waiting to sink its claws into me and rip my mind to pieces. Fuck _everything_ about my life. This sucked.

"Alright, well, _I'm_ still fucking tired, and I _know_ you're exhausted now so I'm going to go back to sleep. Feel free to call me if you need anything, alright?"

"Mmm. Thanks, Bonesie." I heard the line go dead and blinked, letting my eyes stay shut for a few seconds longer than I wanted. It just felt so nice. I grinned as a thought popped in my head and blearily, I rang up Bones again. This time, it only took him a few seconds to answer.

"You cannot _possibly_ have a problem this quickly," he snapped.

"Boooones," I whined, "you didn't tell me goodnight."

I laughed to the sound of him swearing at me before the line went dead again.

* * *

"Hi, is this the office for Dr. Fitzpatrick?" I nervously wrapped my hair around my finger. This was stupid. I didn't have to feel this anxious and awkward. Therapists wouldn't still be in service if people didn't have a need for them. I wasn't weak for needing help every now and then.

"Yes, this is. My name is Megan. How may I help you today?" came a sweet, feminine voice. I faltered for a moment in the face of her kindness.

"Uh, hi, Megan. My name is Piper. I was hoping to schedule an appointment with Dr. Fitzpatrick if she's still accepting new clients?"

_'Smooth.'_

"Yes, she is. Are you a new patient?"

_'Do you have to use the word patient?'_

"Y-yeah. I'm new." I blew my bangs out of my face, staring hatefully at the breakfast I hadn't touched.

"Alright, I'll just need to gather some information from you first. You said your name is Piper, yes? May I have your last name, please?"

"...Kirk." There was a pause. I waited for the inevitable questions.

_'You wouldn't happen to be_ the _Piper Kirk? The one that saved us from the Romulans?'_

"Thank you, Ms. Kirk. What day were you hoping to schedule your appointment?" Tentatively, I let out a shaky breath. Maybe she had enough professionalism to keep her curiosity in check?

"Any day is fine, I'm on leave right now. As soon as you can pencil me in would be great."

"Perfect, lemme just see here… okay. Dr. Fitzpatrick has an opening tomorrow morning at ten, would that work for you?"

"Uhm, yeah. Great. That's fine. Tomorrow, at ten."

"Good! I'll go ahead and put you down for then. Since you are a new patient, we ask that you come in fifteen minutes early for your first appointment to fill out all of the necessary paperwork. We will also need proof of insurance, along with a list of any current medications, please." I sank back in my chair and slowly let my muscles unwind.

"Okay, I can do that. You've been such a great help, Megan, I really appreciate this."

"Well thank you, Ms. Kirk. It's always nice to hear I'm good at my job. Do you need our address?"

"Oh, no, I've got it already. Thank you."

"You're very welcome. Have a good rest of your day."

"Thanks. You too."

I set down my communicator on the table next to me. That had been relatively painless. That had to be a good sign, right? I hadn't even met her yet, but if this is the way she expected employees in her office to behave, it was promising for my actual session with Dr. Fitzpatrick. I felt hopeful. It was nice to feel hopeful, after weeks of being abused by my own subconscious.

It empowered me, this feeling of hope.

Maybe there was something to Bones and his constant nagging to look after myself? If this was the reward I got for it, anyway, then it's no wonder he rode me so hard to stay healthy. Him and Spock both.

The hand bringing my cup of coffee to my lips paused.

Spock.

My eyes flicked over to my comm where I had set it down. Spock hadn't sent anything to me since yesterday when I'd left the hospital, giving me plenty of time to think.

Not that it had done much good.

I hadn't figured out what was going on, both with him and my own mess of a self, so it made me wary to reach out to him. It felt unbalanced engaging him in conversation - _teasing_ no less, and when the hell did he start acting more _human_? - until I could parse through everything going on in my head.

But I couldn't deny how tempting it was. He was just so _easy_ to talk to, and everything about him spoke to me in ways nothing else ever had. Not any of my classes, not tinkering with my motorcycle, not even being in command of my own ship. Outer space, brand new planets, nothing. None of it _called_ to that place deep down in me that Spock could. And it was always so simple to slip inside there in his presence, where everything felt warm and safe.

I could almost delude myself into believing that I was, dare I say, _precious_ to him.

Though, I realized with a frown, that may not be too far from the truth, if I remembered just how _broken_ his face had been right before I died. One didn't look so utterly and completely _destroyed_ over something so simple as a friendship.

A selfish, very selfish, part of me was pleased that I had that kind of sway over him. Though every time that thought rushed through my brain, it was immediately followed by an overwhelming amount of shame. It was absolutely horrible of me to feel that way. I was _happy_ with the happiness he had, dammit. I didn't _need_ to be the cause of it, so long as it brought that softness to his eyes. I was an adult woman, and I was _better than this._

With a sigh, I grabbed my communicator and shot a message off to Bones letting him know that I had an appointment scheduled so that he would stop worrying. He hadn't told me he was worried, but he didn't need to.

I knew anyway.

He wouldn't see it for a few hours yet, what with his shift at the hospitals taking up so much of his time. There was always so much to do for everyone else these days. So many places to help. _So many broken things_. It filled me with a deep sadness that I had any part in what happened with Khan and the destruction he'd rained down on this city. I may not have been the one to drive his ship into the ground, but I sure felt like there was something I could have done to stop it at the very least.

Aimlessly, I wandered over to my couch and flopped on it, feeling useless. I flicked through all of the channels, listless, before settling on a movie that was so old it was black and white. Intrigued, I let the hours slip by until the sun began to sink, and my eyelids began to feel weighed down with my exhaustion.

I was hopeful about tomorrow. Terrified, yes. But hopeful.


	3. Chapter 3

It was hard to put everything into words I felt sitting in the waiting room of my first therapy appointment. I wasn't entirely sure of everything I was feeling, and I suppose that was part of the problem. I was so high-strung from all of the stress that my brain kind of… whited out, and then I stopped feeling _everything_.

I knew that, in the long run, this was going to help me be better. I knew that. I also knew, however, that the road to true healing is not lined with pretty flowers and cupcakes. Healing, _real_ healing, is not easy. It is not kind. It is a conscious choice, constantly, to confront everything about myself that I'm too terrified to acknowledge. It is the obligation of actually being _responsible_ for myself in a way I haven't ever been before. Maturity does not just _happen_ without introspection. And introspection can often be painful when you've buried as much as I have, and you've experienced the things I've experienced in my life. I wasn't quite sure there had been a case quite like mine, and felt no small amount of trepidation. Sure, there were thousands of Near Death Experiences reported every year, but I didn't feel like that… quite fit me right. I hadn't _nearly_ experienced death. I _had_ experienced death.

I had absolutely died. For hours my body had been laying around in a cryotube with no heartbeat, and no brain function.

Though I suppose that's not entirely accurate, because if there hadn't been _any_ brain function, then how had I come back as the same person? Khan's blood, while advanced to the point of almost being magical, was not strong enough to create life from nothing.

"Ms. Kirk?" I jumped, startled from my ruminations, and looked up at Meghan sitting behind the front desk. She had her brown hair up in a neat ponytail, and her brown eyes twinkled gently at me. I stood and, ignoring the shaking in my hands, walked over to speak more privately with her.

"If you would please hand me the finished paperwork, it will be just one more moment before Dr. Fitzpatrick is ready to see you." I nodded, struggling to find my voice, and slid the PADD across the desk to her. Meghan scanned it briefly, merely making sure all of the necessary sections were filled, before nodding and setting it off to the side. She looked back up at me with sympathy in her eyes, giving me a sad smile.

I turned and walked away, shame rotting the back of my throat. I'd seen that look before, so many times, and I always hated it. I'd seen it on the first day of school when my teacher realized just _who_ was in her class, and _who_ my father was. I'd seen it in the eyes of the Starfleet officers tending to me after they swooped in to save the day on Tarsus IV. I'd seen it in Pike's eyes that day he recruited me in that dive bar, my face swollen and bleeding. I'd seen it _everywhere_.

I hated it when people put me into the role of the victim without any consideration as to whether _I_ saw myself that way.

Maybe I was just extra sensitive today, because I was so nervous about my therapy session. I took a deep breath in through my nose, until my chest felt like it was going to burst, and then I slowly let it out through my nose. It helped me feel a little more settled, so I did it again. And again. And again, until suddenly the door to my right was opening, and a middle aged woman was poking her head through, eyes scanning the waiting room until they found and settled on me. She had ash blonde hair that hung past her shoulders, and green eyes that were filled with _warmth_ behind a pair of glasses. When she smiled at me, I couldn't help the tentative smile that pulled at my lips.

"Are you Ms. Piper Kirk?" she asked me, walking through the doorway. I nodded wordlessly and stood.

"Nice to meet you, Ms. Kirk, my name is Jenna. Please, follow me." Again, I nodded, and she turned and walked through the door as I followed. We took a small hallway down past several doors before turning to the left and continuing to the last door on the right. I expected her office to be clean, professional, with a cliche chaise for her patients to lie on, but the room we walked into was much different.

The walls were painted a deep shade of green, with an ornate, wooden desk in the corner, under a window that overlooked the park outside. On the opposite side of the room was a cream colored couch, with two matching armchairs, and a coffee table in the middle. She had the room lit with the soft glow from lamps around the room, instead of the harsh fluorescent lighting of the building. Jenna walked over to her desk and opened a drawer, pulling out a large notepad and a pen before turning to look at me. She gestured toward the seating area.

"Please, make yourself comfortable." I eyed the couch speculatively, but instead opted for one of the two armchairs. I instantly pulled my feet up on the chair and wrapped my arms around my knees defensively, my hands clammy with my nerves. Jenna sat in the armchair across from me, on the other side of the dark stained coffee table and gently set the pad in her lap before looking at me over the brim of her glasses.

"Now, Ms. Kirk, before we get started, I want to assure you that anything you speak of to me during this session is completely confidential. Any topics we discuss, or notes that I take, are not for the benefit of anyone except yourself. I cannot share these with another person without your written consent, or a subpoena from a court of law, or if I have reason to believe that what you share with me indicates harm to yourself or another being. Is that all understood?" I nodded. Jenna looked at me for a moment longer, before setting her pad into a comfortable writing position, and positioning her pen over the paper.

"Now then, what brings you here today?" I looked down at my jeans, uncomfortable. This wasn't something I could nod my head at, or shrug towards. This was a question that required me to speak. This is when the real therapy began. This is when I really had to be honest, if I wanted to get better.

Tears sprang to my eyes, unbidden. Jenna's brow crinkled with worry, but otherwise she sat and waited patiently for me to guide the conversation.

"I've been having a lot of… difficulty… dealing with a traumatic event I experienced recently." My voice came out quavering and weak. This didn't sound like my voice at all.

I hated it.

"That's understandable, trauma _is_ a difficult thing to process, especially on your own," Jenna replied softly. I sniffled. "Do you feel comfortable telling me what happened?"

 _No,_ I thought. I bit my lip. I wanted so badly to leave at that moment. I wanted to get up, and walk out, and never come back. I wanted to curl under my blankets and get the sleep that I hadn't been able to find last night. I wanted to run to the closest bar, and the nearest warm body, and pretend that I still had a spine of steel in the face of danger.

"I…" I felt a large lump in my throat, and choked on the rest of my words. The tears spilled over onto my cheeks, warm and wet.

" _I'm scared, Spock."_

I looked up at Jenna. She had set the pen and pad down, and was giving me her undivided attention, her green eyes filled with concern. I swallowed hard, and forced the admission out.

"I died. A month ago. I was declared clinically dead during a mission, for over five hours, before they were able to revive me using unconventional methods." More tears spilled over onto my cheeks, dripping off my face and onto my clothes, unnoticed. I curled into a tighter ball, resting my chin on my knees. Jenna's eyes went wide, but she said nothing.

"And I'm… I'm re-really not okay," I whispered. It was _painful_ to say that out loud. It _burned_ my chest to put words to what had kept me awake all last night. I was always okay. I was the foundation that the rest of my crew drew their strength from. I was the unflappable rock in the face of adversity. Even when I wasn't okay, I was _always_ okay.

"Oh, Ms. Kirk," Jenna started, and I flinched. I could feel it, the sympathy. It was _everywhere_. Jenna took a deep breath, and let it out through her mouth, as I had done in the waiting room, before continuing.

"First of all," she started again, and this time, her voice was compassionate, but professional. I dared a glance up at her eyes. They were guarded, though the warmth from before was still there. "I would like to say that I am humbled by the trust you have placed in me just now. I can see that was not an easy thing for you to admit, and I also want you to know that I am really proud of you for what you just told me, for what it's worth."

I blinked, surprised. Proud of me? What was there to be proud of about the sobbing mess in her office? She smiled encouragingly at me before she took up her pen and pad once more, and jotted something quick down.

"Now, I saw in your file that you were mentioning you struggle with severe anxiety and are having trouble sleeping. Is it safe to assume these are tied to your mission from one month ago?" I blinked, wiping the tears off my cheeks and nodded.

"Would you be willing to describe either of these in greater detail to me?" No, to be honest, I still wasn't wanting to talk about any of this. But I did. Haltingly, and with a lot of difficulty. Sometimes, even some backtracking, or clamming up completely. But I was able to get through the allotted hour without too much pain.

Jenna recommended that I schedule to see her twice a week for the foreseeable future, and while the idea that I needed _that much_ help filled me with shame, it was also kind of nice to have someone that was so _ready_ to listen to me without judgement. Someone who was so wholly devoted to simply helping me get better, no questions asked. It was a novel concept. There hadn't been many people in my life that didn't come with strings attached.

And, on my way home from the first session, I found that, surprisingly, I felt almost… lighter. Very vulnerable. But… less burdened somehow.

For the first time that night since I'd woken up in the hospital, I had an appetite.

* * *

Some days with Jenna were easy. Most days were not. Regardless, I came home after every session feeling _raw_ and open. Sometimes I would just sit on the couch and _cry_ because everything inside me hurt, and there was no better way for me to deal with my own existence than to cry over it. It was humiliating, and I was constantly frustrated with myself. I never felt like crying was productive.

Jenna was both unforgiving and unapologetic in her pursuit of honesty. She had absolutely no patience for me leading her in circles, or being anything less than completely transparent. She had no problems letting us sit in silence while I found the right words, as long as when I spoke they were the _right_ _words._ I learned that this also meant I was allowed to tell her I was uncomfortable answering a question, and she would move on for awhile before trying again. But she _refused_ to let me lie to myself, or to her.

It was difficult at first. I've always struggled with being honest with myself, and by extension, those around me. But after a couple months, I began to notice the benefits. Little arguments I had with Bones resolved quicker simply for the fact of me _telling_ him that I was upset with him. Before, when he and I would dance around the subject, it just led to me snapping at him, and his patience with me breaking, and we would eventually spend a couple of days not speaking while we both cooled off. But once I had the _words_ and I was able to tell him, still pissed mind you, _why_ I was getting snappy at him, it always made him stop.

He would stop, and breathe, and then he would _listen_. I learned that was when I felt the most comforted, is when I was being reassured that those I found important were listening to me. Conversely, it was also something that triggered my anger really easily - when I thought I was being ignored. Which, no, is not entirely healthy, because my friends are allowed to have other interests outside of their time with me. But it wasn't so much that I wanted to monopolize all of their time, I guess, and more just that I wanted to feel like the things I had to say _mattered_ to them. Like they found me worthy of more than just my sharp wit and pretty face.

It's amazing how easy it is to get what you want when you open your stupid mouth and just _ask_ for it.

It is also amazing how much more of a friend you can become with someone when you have open and healthy lines of communication.

Jenna also helped me work on managing my anxiety attacks. She wasn't opposed to using medicines such as Xanax, per se… it was more that she felt they should be used only as a last resort, if all other avenues failed. She was of the opinion that medicines could turn too easily into a crutch instead of a true coping mechanism, and that it was too slippery a slope to rely on them entirely to manage anxiety.

She gave me grounding techniques for when I was in the midst of an episode, and mindfulness affirmations to repeat throughout the day.

At first it felt forced, and even though I didn't have to say these affirmations out loud, it still embarrassed me to say things like "I let go of all fear and replace this with love," or "I am perfect and whole in this moment." Not just because I felt silly, but because being gentle with myself was something I was _entirely_ new at, and the whole experience was foreign. It made this dark, twisted thing I had buried _deep_ inside my mind hiss and spit at what I felt were lies. I didn't always feel worthy of something so gracious. Death followed me too closely for something so peaceful.

This was not something that I felt ready to talk about with Jenna, however, so I continued on through all of my discomfort, and let the issue lie.

It was just better for everyone that way.

* * *

"You're coming out with me to celebrate." Bones rolled his eyes up at me from the file on his desk and scoffed.

"And if I say no?" I grinned, crossing my arms and leaning against the door.

"Then you'll still be coming out with me to celebrate, you'll just enjoy it less."

Bones sighed.

"And what, exactly, are we celebrating?"

"Progress." Bones scrunched his face in confusion.

"What progress?"

" _My_ progress. Y'know, in therapy? The therapy for the whole temporarily being a corpse thing?"

" _Jesus_ , Piper!" Bones glared. This time _I_ rolled my eyes. I flounced over to a chair in front of his desk and sat.

"Look, Bones, it happened, and it _sucked_ , but I'm _here_. I'm alive, and while I may not be okay, I'm _coping_. I've worked really hard to get here. I wanted to celebrate myself and my hard work with my best friend."

Bones sat back in his chair and looked at me. I looked back. I wondered what it was that he was searching for, but before I could speculate, he wiped a hand over his face. He leveled me with a very flat look. I recognized it immediately as the look he shot me when I ended up on the biobeds again. The look that said he would hear none of my arguing.

"Alright, fine. We can go out, but you will _not_ get three sheets to the wind. We don't know how alcohol is going to impact you yet." _Because of Khan's blood_ went unsaid, but I heard it all the same. I swallowed and looked down at my hands, clasped tightly in my lap. I shrugged, and spoke without looking back up at Bones.

"Well… to be honest, I don't have much of an interest in getting completely plastered. Maybe a couple of drinks to savor, but not… blind drunk." I peeked up at him from my bangs before looking down at my hands with a light blush. "I really just want to see my best friend, and… exist."

Silence.

This whole being honest thing was really, supremely uncomfortable. But Jenna kept encouraging me to stick with it, telling me it would get easier with time. Like she _knew_ what she was talking about.

Pshaw.

"Huh. In all the years I've known you, I don't think I've ever seen that look on your face before." I glared up at him, the blush deepening. Honesty was refreshing, but intimidating, because it then left people with the knowledge that this _meant_ something. It left me open to being hurt later.

But that was the crux of being human wasn't it? We all had so little time in this life, that we couldn't afford to waste any of it on ignoring our feelings, or shying away from experiences. And out of anybody on the planet, Bones probably deserved complete honesty from me the most. He had put up with me all the way since Iowa, since I was a half-beaten mess that declared him my friend without any regard if that was what he _wanted_.

"Shut up, Bones," I grumbled. He huffed out a laugh and dropped his pen down on his desk.

"Where are we going?" I shrugged. I hadn't had any place in mind, this was mostly done on impulse. I was so tired of every time I saw Bones being in a _hospital_.

"I dunno. There's this cool place close to my home. You can meet me at my apartment and we could walk there, if you want."

"Alright, what time?"

"Whenever."

"Why aren't you this agreeable when you're on a biobed?" I stuck my tongue out at him like the grown ass woman I was. "Ah, yep, there's the maturity I was looking for."

"God, Bones, never mind. I'll go celebrate by myself." Bones grinned at me, the cheeky bastard. No, I did _not_ smile back.

"I'm busy the rest of this week, but I _suppose_ I could squeeze you in on a Wednesday night next week. Say… five-thirty?" I waved my hand dismissively at him, rolling my eyes to the chuckling I heard while I left. I happily embraced the warmth I felt spreading out from my center to the tips of my toes and fingers. I had a hard time placing the feeling at first, because it had been so long since I'd felt it, but I could only describe the feeling as _contentment_.

* * *

"So if you're okay with it, I'd like to talk about your step-father today." I blinked in surprise at Jenna, then furrowed my eyebrows with the confusion I felt immediately after.

"What does Frank have to do with all of this?" Jenna had her own feet tucked under in her usual armchair, the notepad propped on her lap to make writing easy. She pursed her lips for a moment in thought before she pushed her glasses back up her nose.

"Well, nothing specific, but it's apparent from some off-hand comments you've made in the past that you have a lot of emotions associated with the man, and he _was_ with you during your formative years. It stands to reason that he helped shape you into a person who would give their life to save others."

"Frank has _nothing_ to do with who I am, that is _all_ me. He never helped me with _anything!_ " I spat angrily. Jenna was nonplussed in the face of my anger and gave me a _look_ over the rim of her glasses.

"I didn't say he had a positive influence on you, Piper. But even negative things that happen to us when we're children have huge impacts on who we become as adults." There was a pregnant pause as I glared angrily down at the beige carpet. Jenna gave me a moment to collect myself and process her proposal, but the silence kept dragging on as I refused to offer anything up.

"We don't have to, Piper. This is your time, and your therapy session, I'm not here to tell you how it's supposed to go. I am, however, supposed to offer up advice when it's necessary, and I think that it would be prudent to begin bringing Frank into the sessions. I realize that it's a touchy subject, I've read the police reports and court files, so I have some idea of what he's done to earn your rage. Leaving that kind of trauma alone isn't helpful to you, though, and it's never too late to begin the healing process." I fisted my jeans as Jenna laid out her reasoning for me, perfectly logical without being pushy. I didn't want her to make as much sense as she did, and it was endlessly frustrating that I not only understood her point, but even kind of agreed with it. I didn't want to understand it, I wanted to tell her to leave well enough alone, and to let the dead stay buried so to speak (I wasn't sure if Frank was dead and didn't care to find out, he was dead to me, and that was enough).

Instead, I sighed and rubbed at my temples and the building headache.

"No, you're right. You're usually right, I'm finding. It's annoying, I'm always the one that's right." Jenna grinned.

"The many years of studying psychology has probably given me a slight edge in this case. Sorry." I smiled softly and rolled my eyes.

"We can talk about him, but can we just… not do it today?"

"Of course. Like I said, these are your sessions. What would you like to talk about instead?" I thought over it for a moment, looking out her window at the park. I saw a couple walking slowly on a path, hand in hand and deep in conversation. I frowned, thinking of Spock. I hadn't spoken to him in almost a week. Last I heard, he had a big presentation in one of his classes coming up.

"Something has been going on with my First Officer, and I don't really… I don't really know what." Jenna tilted her head to the side, looking down at her notes briefly.

"Mr. Spock is your First Officer, correct?" I nodded. "Do you care to explain what you mean?"

I bit my lip.

"Well, see, here's the thing, I'm kind of… in love with him, I guess you could say. And he was there when I died. He was on the other side of the door, and I talked to him… before. I didn't tell him exactly how I feel, but I'm worried that he might have figured it out anyway, and now he's acting different and I don't know what to think." Jenna blinked, and I could tell that I had surprised her by my open admission.

"How is he acting different from before you passed away?" I took a deep breath in, considering how best to answer.

"It's hard to explain. He's half-Vulcan, so every interaction with him has these _layers_ that you have to sort through to figure out what he's trying to _not_ say. But lately it's almost felt like he's… I don't know how to put it. Less Vulcan, maybe? Like, a couple weeks ago, when I was discharged from the hospital, he was teasing me about something silly. Which, for you or me, is a completely normal, _human_ interaction, but this man grew up on Old Vulcan, _deep_ in Vulcan culture, so there isn't a lot that I'd call human about how he interacts with the world around him."

Jenna took a second, tapping the tip of her pencil to paper before huffing out a soft laugh and smiling at me.

"Well, you certainly know him better than I do, so I'll have to trust your judgement about what is normal behavior for him. What do you think is causing this change in his demeanor?" I shrugged.

"I don't know. Watching me die probably had some kind of traumatic effect on him. He was crying. I don't have words to explain how unsettling that was. He didn't even cry when his mother died right in front of him." Jenna made a soft noise of sympathy and wrote something down.

"Well it stands to reason that you're very important to him, then. Have you tried asking him to explain why he's been acting so different with you?" I felt my cheeks turn red with embarrassment. God help me, there was no way that I was at _that_ level of honesty yet. I don't know if I was ever going to be quite _that_ bold and outspoken about my feelings.

I shook my head mutely.

"What do you think would happen if you did?"

I bit back my initial response of "I would die of embarrassment," and considered my answer more thoughtfully.

"Well, he would either pretend like he was clueless as to what I was talking about, he does that sometimes. Tries to bend words so that it seems like he doesn't understand the subtler nuances of a conversation. Or he would tell me what changed. I'm not sure what's more likely though. Honestly, both of those terrify me."

"Why do they terrify you?"

"I mean, on the one hand, I've put myself out there and made him aware that I can see what's going on, that there's something different between us, but if he doesn't acknowledge it, then I'm just going to feel crazy. Like it's all in my head. And also like he doesn't want to admit to… whatever this is now. But if he does tell me what's changed, well then… that changes things even more, and I already don't know how to handle what's going on _now_."

I frowned for a second as another thought popped up in my head.

"Plus I don't think that it would be entirely appropriate to have that conversation. I don't see a lot of ways to get around bringing _feelings_ out into the open, and he's in a committed, monogamous relationship with another friend of mine."

Jenna was writing furiously for a few seconds before she unfolded her legs and set the pad and pencil on the chair underneath her as she stood up.

"Well, I won't tell you that you have to have this conversation with Mr. Spock, especially if you feel like it will put strain on his relationship or your other friendship. However, if you feel like this newly developing interaction you have with your First Officer needs to be addressed, I would encourage you to seek him out to establish an open, and honest line of communication about everything you've told me just now. You might be surprised at what he has to say. Even if it's not what you were hoping for, at least you'll have a very clear idea of where you stand with him and where the boundaries are in your friendship."

I stood as well, nodding, and waved goodbye with a small smile as my appointment came to an end.

* * *

' _God, you've gone out, like, a thousand times. There's no need to be so flippin' nervous. It's just Bones, for God's sake.'_

I frowned in the mirror at myself, finding my pep talk sorely lacking. At first I felt like getting all dolled up, really throwing myself into the spirit of things that I'd pushed so hard on my friend. But now, staring at my hair hanging limp and damp after my shower, I felt… hesitant. I wasn't even sure why. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I… didn't want to do this. Any of this. I didn't want to see my friend, I didn't want to go out into the public, and I definitely did not want to look…

I frowned harder, confused.

What was wrong with me? Things were fine. Things were going great. I'd been out of the hospital for a month, and the last of the rubble had been cleared from the wreck in San Francisco. Everyone had a reason to celebrate tonight. Jenna was as helpful as ever, and my anxiety even felt more manageable. Why shouldn't I throw on those jeans that made my legs look _just so_?

"Come on Piper, you're being stupid." I muttered. I slapped my cheeks lightly and took a few deep breaths. Maybe I just needed to breathe?

It helped, for sure. I felt a lot calmer when I let out the last breath, but not… completely fine. Still, it was way easier to ignore, and that was all I needed. The light buzz from alcohol could handle the rest.

With a firm nod, I began brushing out my hair and preparing for the night with Bones. He would be here in a half hour, so it wasn't a ton of time, but I still wasn't comfortable with something elaborate, so that was fine. I just threw my hair back in a ponytail and grabbed the comfiest looking clean clothes I could find. It ended up being a gray sweater from my academy days and a pair of jeans that made my legs look a little less _just so_.

Bones knocked on my door at exactly seven. I opened the door and blinked happily up into his Southern blues. His eyes crinkled down at me.

"Hey Bones, you're punctual tonight." He shrugged.

"Yeah, maybe you should take some notes so you actually show up to your appointments on time in the future." I rolled my eyes.

"Har har. Moving on. There's this little pub a couple blocks away from here, is that okay? They have some pretty great food too, if you're hungry." Bones stepped back to let me out and gestured down the hall towards the lift.

"Lead the way."

The walk to the pub was nice. The night air was crisp and refreshing, and I was glad for the sweater I had on. Bones and I hadn't had much of a chance to talk to one another since I'd been discharged. Once I wasn't in his immediate care anymore, the hospital threw him into the fire with the rest of the overworked staff. There were plenty of people still recovering from everything that happened, and the hospitals didn't have nearly enough people to cope with the sudden influx of patients. It made Bones miss his small town back in Georgia, with the clinic that only had five exam rooms, but I could tell he found the work he was doing now more fulfilling.

I told him a little bit about how my appointments with Jenna were going. Not specifics, because I didn't want to become a blubbering mess, but more a general sense of how things were. He was quiet, letting me say what I wanted, listening attentively in the way that I found only he could. Maybe it had to do with him being a doctor. And then, before I knew it, we were there, the sign for the pub glaring _The Vern_ out in neon lights.

The smell of alcohol and greasy food hit me first, but then the sound. The _noise_ punched me in one big wave, and I cut off in the middle of my sentence. There were so many people crammed into the building, all talking, and noisy, jumbled into one big mess and I couldn't even hear myself think. I could concentrate, and the different voices would start to separate, become more distinct, but I couldn't grab on to what anyone was saying. I flinched as someone in the back howled with laughter before dying down, disappearing in with the rest of the masses.

I nervously licked my lips and looked around. I was suddenly much more hesitant, that reclusive feeling from earlier coming back with a vengeance.

"You alright Piper?" I jumped at hearing my name and whipped over to look at the concerned expression of my friend. Shit, I'd forgotten he was even here. I forced a chuckle but let it die out when I heard how much it didn't sound like me. I let the fake grin fall off my face and looked around anxiously.

' _Come one, Piper, just communicate. You've been working on this with Jenna. No one will know what you need unless you start asking for it.'_

I took a breath.

"Actually, it's… it's a lot louder in here than I thought it would be, and I don't feel… ready for it yet. Do you think it would be okay if - "

"Oh my _God_ , is that Captain Kirk?!" I froze, looking back into the crowd. There were a lot of eyes looking back at me, and it was considerably quieter. I gulped. Who had said that? I couldn't tell, I hadn't seen.

My hands broke out in a cold sweat.

There was an _eruption_ of noise and the crowd surged forward and swallowed me whole, cutting me off from Bones almost instantly. Hands came out from the bodies around me, pawing at me, patting my shoulders, my back, my arms, my head. Everywhere, they were _everywhere_. I felt a shriek of terror building up in my throat, and to my horror, my hands started to shake. Everything in front of my eyes was swimming, and the voices, much louder and more distinct now, were spewing words at me I couldn't understand. Things like hero, grateful, and savior.

I blinked, in a stupor, looking around.

I didn't know any of these people. I didn't know _any_ of these people. Oh my God, where was Bones? I could feel my breath starting to pick up as I looked around wildly, but all I could see were strangers. Swarms of strangers. Strangers praising me for everything I'd done to save the city.

I hadn't saved the city.

All I did was die on my ship as the rest of the world burned. Why were these people thanking me for that? Did they not understand what I had gone through? Did nobody _know_? Spock was the real reason the city was safe. Why weren't they giving Spock the credit he was due?

_Why wouldn't they stop touching me?_

"P-please," I whimpered, my voice drowned out among the cheers of joy, "please I'm just trying t-to have a night wi-with my friend, no, please stop."

They didn't stop.

"P-please let me go."

They didn't let me go.

"Stop."

**' _You're no savior.'_**

"I said _stop_."

**' _Everything is all your fault. You let the city burn. You were weak, and that is why you will always lose.'_**

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I heaved in great gulps of air in the sudden silence. Everyone stared at me, their eyes open in shock. Why were they staring at me? Was I the who had yelled? What was happening? Where was Bones?

I felt tears well up in my eyes, and in a blind panic I shoved my way through the crowd and ran out the door. I had no idea where I was running, or how long I ran for. Everything I saw happened in a blur, snapshots of awareness before my mind slipped underneath the tidal wave of anxiety that kept me going. The glare of a streetlamp here, the honk of a horn there, bumping someone's shoulder. I was pretty sure I heard someone yell my name at one point, but it only made me run faster.

I did not want to be found.

I ran and ran, and kept running for what seemed like forever. At some point I realized I should have stopped. My body should have given out. I shouldn't have been able to keep going at this pace for this distance. But… the longer I kept running, the better I felt. More centered, grounded. Logically, I knew it was the release of endorphins, known as a runner's high. But it was more than that. The further I ran, the more power I could feel from my muscles. I had no idea how, or why, but I didn't question it. I felt all my fear slipping away behind me with the wind, and I grinned. I tucked my head down a bit and _pushed_.

It felt like I ran for days. I saw things pass me by: buildings, parks, people. I even saw the Golden Gate Bridge while I ran across it at one point. The sun set, the sky darkening from orange to a deep blue, and still I never stopped. I felt like I could go one for the rest of my life and finally, for the first time since I'd woken up in the hospital, I actually felt like… me. I felt more like myself than I had in ages. It helped me clear my head, and I promised myself that I would make a habit of going on a run regularly. I had to bring it up to Jenna.

Shit. Jenna. I had to tell her about tonight. All of tonight. That included the Vern.

I frowned and took a random turn, aimlessly exploring. I'd never been to this side of the bay before. I blinked and took a good look around at my surroundings for the first time since I ran away from the pub. There were trees everywhere. No real sign of life. It was completely silent except for this soft crashing sound that I recognized as the ocean. Curious, I headed for a break in the tree line.

The trees thinned from towering evergreens to wiry shrubs, and eventually nothing, until I was left by myself standing on an empty beach. Off in the distance there were boulders, worn smooth by the ocean spray, and past those a lighthouse. I bent over, hands on my knees, struggling to catch my breath. Now that I had stopped moving, it seemed like all the effort was catching up with me. Sweat dripped off my nose and down my back. Oh God, it was so _hot_.

I ripped my sweater off, using it as a sweat rag before tying it around my waist. My tank top wouldn't do much against the bitter chill of the ocean, but for now the cool air felt wonderful as it licked against my skin. I wandered over to the boulders, climbing up the biggest one I could find until I was standing on the top. The glow from the lighthouse gave just enough light for me to see the waves breaking, the white spray crashing over on itself until it was washed away by the rest of the water.

Something in me settled at the sight.

I sat down, pulling my knees up to rest my chin.

I knew I had a lot to deal with tonight. Bones was going to be out of his mind with worry, especially when he couldn't find me at home. I grimaced at the thought. Then there was my meltdown in the middle of a pub, screaming at the crowd of people like the lunatic I was. I could feel it all waiting for me, right on the edge of this beach. Reality, waiting to crash yet another party.

But… for now, I had the ocean, and the lighthouse, and felt my mind completely quiet and content for the _first_ time since I'd woken from my coma. And for now, that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I would appreciate your thoughts letting me know what you think. I hope you enjoy it!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HA. I DOUBLE POSTED A CHAPTER. THAT'S EMBARRASSING AND WE'RE JUST GONNA PRETEND LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED. COOL? COOL. I hope this chapter makes up for my mistake. Please let me know what you think with a review!

I have no idea how long I sat on that beach, under the watchful eye of the lighthouse and counting the stars over my head. I didn’t notice him at first, so worn out was I from my run, so lost in my own head. But when I did notice him, he was cresting over the top of my boulder, and I nearly fell off in fright. I gripped my chest, my heart pounding in terror as I watched him carefully pull up onto the boulder and sit down next to me.

We sat there, silent in one another’s company, for a few minutes. I could feel the heat from his body next to where mine was shivering (when had I started shivering?), and jumped once again when he wrapped a thick jacket around my shoulders. I felt guilt snarling at me. He had to feel even more frigid than me, and here he was, offering up his jacket.

“You are a long way from home,” Spock finally said. His voice was soft, thoughtful. I was surprised. I’d never heard this much emotion from him before. Was it the darkness around us? It was so much easier to hide your face and all the emotions it betrayed when it was dark. I felt like people were much more capable of feeling vulnerable when they were cloaked in darkness.

“Where are we?” I asked just as softly. He hummed in thought for a moment, watching the waves out in front of us.

“Point Bonita.” My eyebrows shot up in shock. I was  _ miles _ from home. Not only had I run through the city proper, but I’d gone north across the Golden Gate, then followed the bay through the forest until it wrapped down around to this tiny beach. I blinked, floored. There was no way I ran that far. And in that short amount of time. How fast had I been running?

“You’re kidding,” my voice was flat in my disbelief. Spock turned a fraction towards me but still didn’t face me fully. He shook his head quietly. I blinked once again before I looked back out at the ocean.

“Well… shit. How did I get all the way up here?”

“I was hoping you would have the answer to that question, Captain.” I shrugged.

“I went for a run.”

A beat of silence.

“A run?” I could hear the disbelief in his voice, and I bit my lip to keep the grin off my face. I didn’t want him to think I was mocking him.

“Yeah. I was going out with Bones for a drink or two, but when we got to the pub it… didn’t go so well.” My voice trailed off lamely as I remembered the crowd surrounding me.

“Yes, Doctor McCoy called me after his attempts to locate you failed. He requested my assistance.” I felt my face heat up in shame. I felt so bad for just  _ leaving _ Bones there. He was going to kill me whenever he saw me again, mother hen that he was. Then a thought hit me and I scrunched my nose in confusion, turning to face Spock once more.

“Wait, if I’m at Point Bonita, which is pretty much the middle of a forest, how did you find me?” Spock was silent for several minutes, the roaring of the ocean the only sound between us. He sat there, watching the waves for so long I thought he was going to completely ignore my question. But then he sighed very softly and for the first time since getting here, turned to meet my gaze as well as he could in the low lighting.

(Probably better than I could, his eyesight was much better than mine.)

“I had several methods from which to choose. The easiest and simplest method was using your communicator’s global positioning software.” I hummed in response, not really having an answer. I felt a little less bad though, if that was the case. It meant that Bones was capable of finding me if he really wanted to, his struggles with technology be damned. 

“Well… glad I’m not lost, then.” Spock nodded at me before he tilted his head to the side slightly in thought. It was absolutely  _ adorable _ and I melted. I wished I could see his face better, I wanted to watch how his deep brown eyes caught the starlight. With a mental slap I pulled myself away from that thought.

_ ‘No, stop that, he’s not your man to ogle at.’ _

“I would find you, if you were.” His voice was soft, intimate, but I could feel the weight of his conviction. I couldn’t help but want to believe him when he sounded like that. Like this was just another fact of the universe. It made my face flame with a deep blush that I was  _ so  _ grateful he couldn’t see.

“Don’t be so sure about that, buddy. I’m pretty good at hiding when I don’t want to be found.”

“Not from me, Piper.” I felt my breath leave me in one great whoosh. I felt a tingling all over my face and down in my fingers. They burned with tiny little pinpricks of needles and I looked down at them, dazed. Spock’s fingers were just  _ barely _ brushing the edge of mine. Not even really connecting, but I could feel him right there as if he were a part of me. My eyes snapped up to his face, wide with… anticipation or alarm, I couldn’t tell which.

I flinched in surprise when his face was a lot closer than I remembered.

His eyes bore down on me, pinning me where I sat on the cold, wet stone. His gaze was heavy, pulling at me, wearing down everything I had built up, leaving me exposed in a way that had me itching to run away again. My breath hitched, and I saw his eyes snap down to watch my tongue wet my lips, before meeting my gaze head on.

“I will always find you, t’hy’la, even when you are lost to yourself,” he promised, his voice a ghost of a whisper across my face. 

Tears clouded my vision instantly, and I wasn’t even sure why. There was something about this moment I was missing. I could feel it. This meant more than my mind could comprehend. I could see it in the way his eyes traced my face, like he wouldn’t get another chance to see it. I could feel it in the way his lips wrapped lovingly around that word, almost reverently. Like he was praying.  _ T’hy’la _ . What did that even mean? I’d never heard that word before. It made me shiver with a profound sense of desire. 

It would be so easy to just lean up and kiss him. My lips tickled at the thought. When he let out a great shuddering breath and inched forward, I wondered if he was thinking the same. I felt like he was. I  _ hoped  _ he was. This seemed like a moment where people should kiss each other, and I would greatly enjoy kissing him, I was sure. My eyes fluttered, wanting to close and lose myself in just  _ feeling _ when his lips finally grazed mine… 

But alas.

Spock sighed, and shivered against the cold, pulling away. The moment broke. I snatched my hand away from his, cradling it against my chest, guilt and an irrational, blind  _ horror  _ taking place of the warmth that had been there before. 

What was I  _ doing?! _ This was Uhura’s boyfriend, her very seriously committed boyfriend, and I almost kissed him. She would never forgive me for this. I couldn’t forgive myself for this. She was one of my closest friends on the bridge, her respect and companionship hard won. I wouldn’t throw it in the garbage just because I couldn’t keep it in my pants. I didn’t care how damaged I was from dying and being brought back to life, I was so tired,  _ so tired _ of who I had been before. Always hiding and chasing the next willing body. Drowning my insecurity in alcohol and witticisms. 

I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I wanted to be better. I was  _ going _ to be better. And that meant keeping a very firm boundary with her boyfriend. Who also happened to be one of my best friends. 

**_Ugh_ ** .

“We should return to the city, Captain. It is late and Doctor McCoy wished to speak with you before the night was through.” I jumped away from him at the sound of his voice, chuckling nervously.

“Yeah. Yep. We should. Do that thing which you said. The returning to the city thing. Definitely gotta apologize to Bones for scaring him. That was my bad.” Spock raised an eyebrow at me, looking like he wanted to say something, but he closed his mouth, his lips frowning ever so slightly before he turned away and carefully climbed down the boulder. I crept over to the edge after him, surprised to see him raising a hand for me to use as support while I climbed after him. I stared at his appendage, thinking of how hot his skin would feel against the chill of mine, of his long fingers twining with mine, of them grabbing on to me to keep me from harm. Of never letting go.

Nope. Nope, nope,  _ no _ .

Before I could think twice I stood up and  _ jumped _ , completely ignoring the offered help. I realized, unfortunately, after jumping, that this boulder was a good two feet taller than I’d thought. I landed with a yelp as my foot hit the ground first and then  _ rolled _ , sending me falling flat on my face in the sand. I stayed like that for a minute, just letting myself breathe through the pain in my ankle and face and knees and basically everywhere.

I  _ groaned _ . 

Spock huffed next to me in what I will swear on my deathbed was an honest to God  _ laugh _ . I could  _ taste  _ the judgement.

“That was not wise, Captain. You seem to have unnecessarily caused yourself injury. Doctor McCoy will not be pleased to learn this.” My head snapped up and I looked at him wildly.

“Nonono, see, he will never  _ know  _ because you’re not going to  _ tell  _ him. You are  _ never _ going to tell  _ anyone _ .” Spock simply gave me this  _ look _ before he examined my foot.

“Are you able to stand?” I moved my leg and tried to get my foot under me, but the instant hiss of pain was enough of an answer for us both.

_ ‘Great, that’s so like me. I try to avoid one problem and create an even bigger one.’ _

Before I was finished with the self-flagellation, Spock had reached down and tucked an arm under my legs and behind me and simply  _ lifted  _ me out of the sand. I spluttered in surprise and indignance, scrabbling for him to let me go. But he simply gripped me tighter against his chest.

His very firm chest.

His very, very warm, firm, comfortable chest.

_ God _ , he smelled like all my favorite spices. Was it the incense he used to meditate? I just wanted to wrap my legs around him and lick the smell right off his skin. My whole body felt warm where he gripped me. I had never in my life felt so safe and so protected. 

I wanted to  _ consume _ this man.

_ ‘He’s a touch-telepath get a  _ grip _!’ _

“Captain, cease your efforts, I will not release you. You will simply attempt to walk back with me on your injured foot, exacerbating the sprain I believe you have.” I grumbled in weak protest. We both knew he was right. I crossed my arms over my chest, pouting, as he began the trek back to civilization.

The sound of the waves gradually dimmed down as we met the trees once more. Spock walked on a path I didn’t remember seeing, leading up a hill, winding through the forest. I was secretly glad he was carrying me, it was so dark I just knew I would have tripped and completely broken something like the dunce I was. Not that I would ever admit that out loud to him. He would take something like this as  _ carte blanche _ to get all heavy handed with me and try and do things for me, and make my life easier, and help try and take  _ care _ of me. And we couldn’t have that. 

This was Operation Keep Boundaries With Spock. Having him coddle me was not a part of the plan.

_ ‘Because you’re doing such a great job so far.’ _

I sighed and closed my eyes, suddenly so exhausted with myself and this whole disaster of a day. I hated how easy it was to listen to that voice in my head sometimes. The one that was born of Frank, and Kodos, and Khan, and every jealous student at the academy, and everyone that had ever tore me down. No matter how hard I tried, it never went away. Today it was especially bad. I suspected that was because I hadn’t seen Jenna for several days. She helped me with learning how to block it out. I was by no means anywhere near where I thought I could be, but it was easier now to ignore the instant barrage of insults and degradation.

I floated, feeling weightless while Spock carried me, vaguely aware of the fact that I was dozing on his shoulder. I barely noticed when he set me gently -  _ so _ gently - in his car, buckling my seatbelt. He wrapped his jacket back around me once I was secured, and the scent of him gently wafted across my face, sending me off to sleep as he pulled out of the parking lot and headed back for the city.

* * *

Bones was not happy with me when I returned home.

Bones was, in fact, very  _ un _ happy with me when I returned home.

When he saw I had sprained my ankle, he was outraged.

“How could you just take off like that?! Do you have  _ any _ idea how worried I was for you?! You only got discharged a month ago, Piper, and we  _ still _ don’t have a clear idea of any side-effects from your treatment. What if something had happened to you out in the middle of, where did you end up again? Point Bonita? How did you even get that far away without a car?!”

I flinched at the sheer volume of his voice, sitting on my couch very much like a child being scolded by their father. Spock sat next to me silently. He hadn’t said a word to me since we arrived, merely carried me across the threshold to a spluttering Bones pacing back and forth in my living room. I could see the gears turning, though. There was a thought there, grinding away at the gears of his brain. 

“I had to get Spock to come and help me, Piper, because I couldn’t  _ find _ you anywhere. You can’t just take off like that. I know things got way out of hand there, and trust me, I let them have it after you left, bunch of drunken frat boy idiots. Couldn’t even tell me which way was up, they were so wasted. Irresponsible little cretins.” I risked another glance over at my First Officer while Bones trailed off into unintelligible grumblings of displeasure. Spock blinked his eyes away from Bones and met mine. We stared at each other for a moment before Spock shrugged and looked away.

Shrugged.

_ He’d shrugged _ .

I made a squeak of surprise, my mouth gaping at the Vulcan sitting next to me. Bones’ eyes snapped over to me, reminding him of my presence and he sent me a hard glare. I flushed when I noticed it, wisely choosing to ignore my Vulcan’s - uh, my First Officer’s very strange behavior tonight and receive the rest of my lecture.

Bones just glared at me for a moment before wiping his hand over his face and letting out a  _ deep _ sigh. He sat on my coffee table across from me and grabbed my hands in his. Spock’s eyes honed in on where we held each other, his eyes burning with an intensity that made heat flush through my whole body. Bones’ grasp was gritty with the sand still under my nails, but he rubbed his thumbs over the back of my hand like he didn’t even notice.

“I’m not trying to make you feel like garbage, Piper, I know how much you do that to yourself already. I was just… I was just  _ so _ worried. I could see your panic attack building, and I couldn’t get through the crowd to you, I couldn’t help you. By the time I finally shoved those morons out of my way, I heard you scream at them and run away, and no one had seen where you went. All I could think of was you lost somewhere, afraid, and how I wasn’t helping.”

His voice was quiet, and it wavered like he was crying. I wouldn’t have known otherwise if I didn’t see that his eyes were completely dry. And that… that cut me down worse than any of the shouting, or anything I could have said to myself. My lip trembled, and tears rolled off my cheeks. Spock shifted next to me, pressing his thigh gently against mine in a show of comfort. I hiccuped in response and threw my arms around Bones.

“I-I’m sorry Bones, honest, I wasn’t trying to… I don’t even remember what happened. I just got so scared, and there were so many  _ hands _ and then I was running. I just kept running, I was so scared. I barely remember how I got there.  _ How  _ did I get there? What’s wrong with me? I shouldn’t be able to run that far.”

Bones squeezed me just as tight, rubbing the back of my head gently. He made a thoughtful noise in the back of his throat before answering.

“I’m not sure Piper. I told you we aren’t sure of all the side effects we would see in the future. But whatever it is, we’ll figure it out, I promise.”

“I don’t want to turn into him,” I admitted so quietly, I wasn’t sure at first that they heard me. Both men froze unnaturally still. Bones grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me away to give me a very stern look.

“There is absolutely no way that I would  _ ever  _ let that happen to you, Piper. Do you understand me?” I hiccuped again, my voice too wet with tears. I nodded. 

“I also would not allow such a circumstance, Captain,” Spock added. I rubbed the tears off my face and looked at him from under my bangs. My lips twitched in a small smile.

“Thanks Spock. You too Bones. I appreciate you both more than I could ever say. I won’t run away like that again, I’m sorry for scaring you.” Bones narrowed his eyes at me, searching mine for something before he gave a great huff and nodded. He stood up abruptly, patting me on the head a couple of times before walking around the couch and heading for my door.

“Well, as long as you understand. Now excuse me while I go and enjoy a very strong and very quiet drink by myself at home.” And with that he walked out the door and was gone. I rolled my eyes at his very obvious and very abrupt retreat. 

“Captain, may I stay with you for a little longer? There is something else I wish to discuss.” I peered over at Spock. On the one hand,  _ yesyesyesyesyes stay with me forever _ . On the other hand, this wasn’t very good if I was going to keep very strict, very clear boundaries on appropriate behavior. 

I swallowed the anxiety down and plastered on a bright, sunny smile.

“Sorry my dude, but this day has worn me out beyond what you can imagine. Can it wait until later?” Spock pursed his lips, obviously displeased by the small tick under his eye, but he kept his tongue. He stood, dusting stray bits of sand off his pants and on to my carpet (which, rude).

“Of course, Captain. I will leave you to rest. Please remember to compress your ankle and apply a cooling agent to reduce the swelling.” I rolled my eyes affectionately at him, shooing him off with a wave of my hand.

“I’ll be fine. Despite what Bones will have you believe, I  _ am  _ actually an adult and can actually take care of myself. I just need some sleep.”

“Very well then. Good evening, Captain.”

“Oh for crying out loud, for the  _ last _ time, my name is Piper. Use it.” Spock looked down at me, something flashing deep in his brown eyes. It brought my breath to a halt, and my heart started pounding in my chest. He had a heat to his gaze that  _ pulled _ at me, and made the tips of my fingers spark with some kind of energy. There was a tension between us that hadn’t been there moments ago, and I couldn’t even begin to explain how it happened.

“My mistake,  _ Piper _ , I shall endeavor to correct this error in the future.” His voice was… hushed. And husky. It sounded all… roughed up. Like he had just kissed his last breath away.

But we weren’t even touching.

I gulped.

“G-good night, Spock,” I whispered. There was a hint of a smirk hiding in the corner of his mouth, and his hand twitched. He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly, and then dropped his gaze from mine, following the path Bones had taken towards the front door. I sat on my couch, immobilized until I heard the door latch behind me.

All the air left my lungs at once, and my cheeks flushed.

I spent the rest of the night very studiously ignoring everything that had happened, lest it get the best of me. I mechanically ate dinner, took a shower, and wrapped my hair up in a messy bun to sleep. 

That night I dreamt of crashing waves and brown eyes that watched over me as I flew across the stars.

* * *

“Now, I’m not saying that your thoughts and feelings you’ve expressed are in any way invalid or dishonest. I don’t believe that’s the case, I think you have been as honest with me as you know how, and I am so proud of you for all the progress you’ve made, Piper. But you still haven’t let yourself be  _ vulnerable _ with me.”

I frowned at her, confused. She pushed her glasses up her nose, giving me a very kind but very firm expression.

“I don’t understand what you mean.” She tapped the end of her pen on her notepad for a second before she looked up at the ceiling, gathering her thoughts.

“Well, it’s like this. Not many people realize it, but there’s a very distinct difference between being open with people and being  _ vulnerable _ with them, Piper.” 

I crossed my arms and glared at her, anger boiling just underneath the surface.

“You asked me what happened, I’m  _ telling _ you what happened. It’s not exactly easy for me to talk about, and I really don’t appreciate opening up to you about this and then being told that I’m not opening up  _ enough _ . It’s insulting to all the pain I’ve suffered through.” Jenna nodded and gave me a soft smile, her pen flying across the paper.

“That was an excellent expression of your desire for me to be more considerate towards your feelings, Piper, well done. What you seem to be missing is that openness is being willing to share your story with others. Vulnerability is being willing to have others be a  _ part _ of your story. I’ve noticed that people that are willing to be so open are usually compensating for a  _ lack _ of vulnerability. These people often use their openness as a shield, and when you have a good grasp on that delicate balance, you rarely find yourself in a place of real vulnerability. If you’re being so open about these details, people rarely dig deeper and ask the harder questions you’re too afraid to answer. It’s based on the presumption that if you’re being open with them, you’re sharing the whole story. It’s a very subtle art.

“However, I respect you just as much as you seem to respect me, and you need to at least be aware of where your thoughts are when you’ve feeling vulnerable and cornered. Not once have you told me how any of these things made you  _ feel _ , Piper. Knowing the act of a traumatic event is just as important as knowing what you felt during the whole experience.”   


I fell into an uneasy silence as she let me ponder her thoughts. Was she right? I wasn’t sure. I mean… I felt like she was wrong. I wanted her to be wrong. But the more I thought about it, the more uncomfortable I became. If she was right… well. What did that say about me? What did that say about my friendship? Was it even worth anything if I couldn’t actually let friends in close to me? Oh god, did that mean Bones and I were even friends? I’d been fooling myself this whole time into thinking I was completely transparent. My whole life was a lie.

I was a lie.

“Piper, what are you thinking?” I shook my head. 

I was so ashamed of myself. How did I get to be this way? I hid so much from everyone, so many things I was terrified of sharing. I didn’t even  _ know  _ who I was, I was so good at burying it all. God, how could Starfleet even trust me in command like this? I was a mess. No wonder Pike was so hard on me all the time. He must have seen it. He must have  _ known _ , he must have seen me for the fraud I am and now he was dead,  _ he was dead _ -

“Piper, sweetie, Piper I need you to slow down your breathing for me, you’re having a panic attack.” I made a wild, anguished sound, hunching in on myself and hiding away from the world, shaking my head frantically. I couldn’t catch my breath, but what did it matter anyway? I was such a waste of space, all of it was my fault. Everything was my fault. All those people died and it was  **_all my fault._ **

“Piper,” Jenna sounded a lot closer now, right above me. Was she crouching on the floor in front of me? “Piper, remember our grounding techniques. Take some deep breaths and focus on your senses. You’re in a safe space, there is no one here that will hurt you.”

I peeked up at her. She smiled at me, rubbing her hands up and down my arms gently.

Deep breath in.

“I can taste the gum I had in my mouth earlier.” I choked out.

Deep breath out.

“I hear the wind through the leaves, and the sound of Meghan answering a call up at reception.”

In.

“I can feel your hands on my arms, the soft leather of your armchair, and wetness from my tears.” My voice was a little bit louder and a little more steady now.

Out.

“I smell your shampoo, your tea, a candle and… maybe your perfume?”

Jenna nodded at me.

“Good job, Piper. That’s so good. You seem a lot calmer now. Do you feel a little better?” I nodded mutely, picking at an old thread sticking out of my pants. Jenna gave me one last pat and retreated over to her own armchair, gathering her notepad and scribbling something down real quick.

“Do you feel comfortable explaining what triggered this anxiety attack?” I curled into a smaller ball.

In.

“I… I feel very guilty because of what you’ve said about me. I don’t… think you’re wrong, and it’s really frustrating that I’ve been deluding myself for so long.” Jenna frowned at me.

“I don’t think you’ve been deluding yourself, Piper. Not necessarily. I think that up until now, the ways you learned to open up were genuine, and you really did  _ want  _ to open up, and this way was the best way you knew how. However, I think that, from your own accounts, since you have been hurt every time you have allowed yourself to feel truly vulnerable around someone, you found ways to feel vulnerable without becoming truly vulnerable. I’ve seen this pattern of behavior quite a lot in both children and adults that have survived difficult home lives or sexual trauma. 

“The argument here, however, is that this type of openness is worse for you than even closing yourself off from those around you completely. You’re foregoing the pain of vulnerability by instead numbing yourself to it. When you do that, though, you don’t just numb the pain, you numb the opportunities to experience true joy as well. A life without emotion is a very bleak life, in my opinion. And one can only bottle their emotions away for so long before they start to get the better of you, Piper.”

My lip trembled. 

“I’m scared, Jenna. How do I know that I won’t just get hurt again?” My voice came out hoarse and wavering. Jenna pursed her lips and set her pen down.

“You don’t, Piper. No one really knows. And it  _ is _ scary. And in the future, if you become open with someone, you will have to accept that whether they hurt you or not isn’t something that you can decide. You can’t control every aspect of your life, Piper, and you can’t run from pain. You have to face your pain, own it, and make it yours. Honor that pain you’ve been through and will go through again, and then let it go. Otherwise you won’t move forward.”

I made a noncommittal noise, perusing over this in silence. Jenna sat and watched me for a moment, I suspect to let my emotions settle even further before she pressed on. She was good at that. Pressing an issue. I didn’t seem to mind as much when she did though, because I knew her intention wasn’t to hurt me or try and find a weakness to exploit. She just… wanted to help.

I had never appreciated another human being more. Except maybe Bones. Definitely appreciated Bones.

“How was your outing with Doctor McCoy the other night?”

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I looked at her over my knees and then quickly away, my cheeks turning bright red.

“Not… not very well.” Jenna made a sympathetic noise.

“I’m so sorry to hear that, Piper, I remember you telling me how excited you were to do something with your friend. Do you feel like talking about what happened?”

I sighed.

“Well everything was going fine while we were walking to the place I’d picked. It was good weather, and it was really nice just talking with my friend. We haven’t had a chance to do that in a long while. But when we got there, literally everyone in the bar surrounded me, and I kind of… ran away.”

“Oh dear, that sounds like it was stressful. Why did they surround you?”

“Some kind of thanks I guess? Bones told me they were all pretty wasted, so maybe they didn’t realize what they were doing, but I… it was so claustrophobic. They were all trying to hug me and saying thanks for saving the city and blah blah blah. I dunno.” I shrugged, frowning as I remembered the choking fear that had sent me spinning out of control.

“How were you able to calm yourself down from that anxiety attack?” I ducked my head, refusing to meet her eyes.

“Uhm, I… I literally ran away. I don’t remember much of it, but I left the pub in Merced Heights and ran all the way to Point Bonita Lighthouse.”

Silence.

“I’m sorry, you said you  _ ran _ there?” I fisted my jeans, a nervous energy building up inside of me.

Deep breath in.

“Yes.”

Deep breath out.

Jenna sat there, stunned, her notepad forgotten in her lap.

“How… how far is -”

“13 miles. Give or take. I didn’t exactly keep track. I was kind of, ah, out of it. I had to look it up on a map later.” Jenna blinked once, twice, three times and dumbly pushed her glasses up her nose.

“That’s quite the workout regimen you have there. You’ll have to share it with me some time.” I snorted and rolled my eyes. Her green eyes twinkled with mirth.

“So… I got to the beach, and the whole run there I, um, I felt really good actually. Mentally, I mean. I’m sure it was all the endorphins being released in my brain, but it really helped me clear up my thinking by the time I stopped. I was thinking of going for runs a lot more regularly than before, actually. I think moving my body will really help me cope with my anxiety.”

Jenna nodded.

“The beach was nice, too,” I added. “Really empty and quiet. I sat there for a long time, just… enjoying not being in the city for once. Until Spock found me, that is.” Jenna raised her eyebrows and made a note.

“And what did he have to say when he found you?”

“Well…” I blushed and looked out the window. 

“Not much, really. Told me where I was, because I didn’t know at that point. Then I made a joke about being lost, and we left.” I didn’t meet her eyes. I couldn’t. I felt guilty not being completely open about everything that had happened, what it had felt like it  _ meant _ . But I didn’t want her to crush the hopes I shouldn’t have even had in the first place. I felt even worse for it, because I  _ knew _ it was wrong to harbor secret feelings like this for someone that was involved with my friend. I’d  _ tried _ to get over him, many times, and with many willing participants to help me. But it never worked. There was a very stubborn piece of my soul that clung to this, clung to him, and it wanted to guard my feelings with extreme prejudice. Most of the time I could ignore it, but there was something about the other night that felt… sacred. Like I would be breaking Spock’s trust by admitting what happened. 

“Hm.” I tensed, chancing a glance at her from the corner of my eye. She looked thoughtful, her head tilted to the side as she examined me. I waited for the questions, but she merely  _ tsk _ ed her tongue and looked down at her watch.

“Well, I’m afraid our time has run out for today. I can tell that you’re embarrassed over what happened with your friend, but I want you to remember to be gentle with yourself. You’re still healing, in more ways than one, Piper, and punishing yourself for wounds that haven’t healed yet will only make this process more difficult.”

I blinked. That… that seemed too easy. I narrowed my eyes at her, suspicious. She never let things slide just like that. Slowly, I uncurled my legs and stood up to stretch, preparing to leave.

“Piper?” 

I froze.

“Yeah?”

“Remember that if you don’t want to talk about something, all you have to do is say so. I’m not here to fight with you, I’m here to help you.” My face crumpled, and I looked away, unable to meet her gaze. “It’s okay to get to a point in your sessions where it’s too much at once, we talked about a lot of difficult things today. You aren’t obligated to share anything with me, and it is always okay to say no. You don’t even have to give a reason. No is a whole and complete answer for everybody in your life. Remember that, okay?”

I nodded mutely, shuffling out of her office and towards the safety of  _ away _ . I slapped my sunglasses on my face when I stepped outside, trying to ignore the cloud of gloom hanging over me all the way home.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hullo! I have to admit, I'm not entirely satisfied with this chapter, but there's some pretty important stuff Piper has to go through in here, so I didn't really have a choice. I tried, but I couldn't fit it together any other way. I hope you guys aren't as unhappy with the outcome as I am. Let me know what you think in a comment, and how you think I could make it better or what you thought was perfect. Writing this is very important to me, but emotionally taxing, I won't lie, and every comment really gives me the motivation to keep going.
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading! Much love you to all!

_I dug my toes deeper into the sand, relishing in the lazy head that curled around my feet and licked its way up my ankles. I closed my eyes, feeling the hot, dry air whip my blonde curls around me. The sun was beating down on me, but I didn't spare a thought for possible sunburns. I just stood there and soaked in the energy of life flowing in and around and_ through _me. I felt, for the first time in my life, at peace._

_There was a gentle pressure along my fingers, and a ghost of a smile tugged at my lips. I kept my eyes closed, even as I twined our hands together. There was a pleasant buzz of emotion that swelled in the back of my mind, a voice that called to me that I knew as safety and love and happiness._

**T'hy'la** _._

_My hand tightened at the same moment as his. Everything about this moment was perfect._

" _You are going to burn if you stay in the sun any longer." I didn't fight back the grin this time._

" _Just a few more moments." I felt the disapproval, consideration, then grudging affection as he conceded to my desires. I blinked my eyes open and looked at him. His face was carefully neutral, but that no longer mattered to me, because he was mine as I was his and I had long since learned to read everything that he hid from the world._

_I beamed at him._

" _I love you too, Spock."_

My eyes snapped open, and I took a very _, very_ deep breath. I stared at the ceiling, dumbstruck.

"Aw, hell," I swore. Blearily, I looked at the clock on my nightstand and swore once again when I saw it was barely six in the morning.

Did I try and go back to sleep? My whole body tingled, felt raw, like I had electricity running in my veins. I felt so wired on adrenaline and this giddy feeling that I could not contain, even as my brain struggled to wake up with the rest of my body. Probably not. I grumbled, wiping a hand over my face and glaring at my clock like this whole thing was its fault.

Traces of my dream flitted across my mind, and I groaned, throwing a pillow over my face. I couldn't believe it. This was all Jenna's fault. And Spock's, this was his fault too. She had to ask me about what happened, and then Spock had to go and be all… weird. And both of them were awful and mean and I hated them.

Except I didn't hate them.

Especially not Spock.

Which was the whole problem.

I rolled over, tangling my legs in the blankets even further, settling the pillow next to me and wrapping my arms tightly around it. I was lying on my side, looking out the window as the early grey of the morning woke up the city around me. I felt more alone in that moment than I ever had in my life. Tears sprang up in my eyes, and I angrily wiped my face on the pillow to wash them away. I sniffled a couple of times and stubbornly blinked away the wetness. If I didn't acknowledge it, then maybe the evidence would go away.

I was so _tired_ of being alone. It was exhausting. I wanted someone in my corner, someone who didn't have an agenda or some ulterior motive. Someone who wouldn't hurt me. Someone I could rely on and shed all of my walls with. And I _hated_ that the person I wanted that to be was Spock. I'd loved him for so long, and I couldn't even explain why. It hadn't happened with my permission or awareness. This feeling had taken over me at some point until it was so ingrained into my identity that I had no hope of ever being rid of it. It had crept up on me slowly, so slowly, until it consumed me from the inside out, and every beat of my heart was for him. Every single breath I took, every emotion I felt had his name burned across them all, and he didn't even know. He didn't even _want_ it, because he already had Uhura to do that for him.

There was a very distinct emptiness inside of me, cut into the exact shape of him, and I had no fucking clue how to ever hope to fill it.

I flopped onto my back and blew my bangs out of my face, feeling absolutely miserable for myself. It was only the chirp of my communicator that pulled me out of my self-pity. I blinked lazily at my nightstand, not really seeing the device for a second before the sound finally registered. Sighing, I crawled just far enough to grab the stupid thing with my arm stretched out, and fell on my back once again to read my messages. Two were from Bones reminding me I'd promised to come in today for some tests.

The most recent one was from Spock. Because _of course_ it was.

 _ **Good morning, Piper.**_ I quirked an eyebrow. That was it? Just good morning? I jumped when another message came in before I had decided if I would respond. My stomach bottomed out when I saw it was from Uhura.

_**Hey Piper! I just got back from visiting my mom in Africa today, and I was hoping we could get together later for some coffee. I was so glad to hear you recovered okay.** _

Was that why Spock had spent so much time with me when I had recovered in the hospital? He didn't have his girlfriend around to tend to? Man, had she been gone this whole time? It had been almost four months since the accident, I hadn't known they were doing the long distance thing. At least I didn't have to feel so guilty that I had been stealing his was something in my favor, I guess. Though I felt too much like a kid caught with their hands in the cookie jar, so it was more of a moot point than a real relief.

I sent Bones a message assuring him I wouldn't be late this time, and ignored the other messages for now. I would look at them again, but _later_.

With that plan in mind, I threw the covers off me and marched down the hall towards the sweet, heavenly, life-blood that was caffeine. I set up my pot to brew and pranced back towards my room to shower. The coffee was done by the time my shower finished, at which point I threw on the first clothes I could find, and grabbed a mug with entirely too much sugar to sip out on my balcony to watch the world wake up with me.

* * *

" _Bones_ , please for the love of God tell me we're done soon." I practically snarled at him. Bones reviewed my charts on his PADD, completely unfazed by my threatening tone. He kept reading, silent, for a few minutes before he glanced up at me through his lashes and shrugged.

"No, probably not. We still have the cardiac stress test, plus I need more blood samples, and a few other things." I crossed my arms and glared at him, bouncing my leg anxiously.

"Well can't we do the other stuff later? I am so _tired_ of being in the hospital." Bones finally set his PADD down and frowned at me.

"No, we cannot do this _later_. Dammit, Piper, things are _happening_ to you, and I have no idea what it means for your health and safety. I don't know if this increased endurance is a precursor to heart failure or respiratory complications. It's certainly messing with your hormonal balance from what I can tell, but I need more blood samples to see exactly how and what is being affected." I frowned, losing some of my irritation at the obvious concern on my friend's face. I felt some of his worry reflected, but stamped it down. I looked out the windows in his office and huffed.

"Look, I know you hate it in here, okay? I get it. I'll go as fast as I can, but I won't compromise your health just to get you out of here faster." I puffed out a breath, blowing my bangs out of my face. I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth for a moment and bit it lightly before sighing and sitting back in my chair with grudging acceptance.

"Alright. Any idea how much longer this is going to take, though? I'm starving."

Bones waved his hand in a vague gesture at his office door.

"You're more than welcome to the food in the cafeteria." I stuck my tongue out at him, but he ignored me and began perusing my charts once again. I knew I'd lost him when he started mumbling to himself. Wordlessly I stood and left his office, closing the door as quietly as I could.

The cafeteria was five floors below him, so I walked dutifully over to the lift and waited. When the doors opened, I went to step on and froze.

Spock was alone in the lift, looking lost in thought. I stood there, my eyes wide in shock, contemplating how quickly I could make it to the stairwell when his eyes came into focus and caught mine. I saw a flicker of surprise before he masked it beneath the layers of the mask he always carried with him.

"Captain, I was not expecting to see you here."

"Y-yeah," I squeaked. I cleared my throat hastily, stepping onto the lift before the doors closed. "I wasn't, uh, expecting to see you either. What are you doing here?"

Spock paused for a moment.

"I am here at the behest of my father." I inched as far away from him as I could without seeming rude. I didn't want to do something stupid like get sucked into the warmth of his chocolate eyes and forget myself. That would be a humiliation I could never live down.

"Oh? Why's that?" Spock shifted his body weight next to me, clasping his hands neatly behind him and looking fiercely at the door.

"He felt I would benefit from meeting with a Vulcan mind healer." My head whipped around, and I felt real concern when he made a great effort of avoiding my gaze.

"Spock, what's wrong? Why do you need a mind healer? Did something happen?" There was a heavy silence. Spock dropped his eyes down to the floor, and the corners of his mouth pursed. Every muscle I could see was tense, his knuckles turning white, and my concern morphed into something closer to panic. Whatever it was, it was eating him up from the inside out, that much was obvious at least.

Then, with a deep breath, all the tension left his body. He gave me a sidelong look.

"Yes, Piper," he admitted softly, "something happened." I made a noise of distress and took a couple steps closer to him. I resisted the urge to reach out and touch his arm, but barely.

' _He isn't yours to comfort, stop it.'_

"I am, however, capable of dealing with the consequences and am not suffering any permanent damage." I bit my lip and looked at him in uncertainty. His attention snapped down to my lips instantly, the deep brown of his eyes practically _burning_ me with the intensity. I released the skin from my teeth and blushed furiously, absolutely confused. I blinked hard and looked away, taking a healthy step back.

"Well, as long as you're okay. I hope the mind healers are helping you. What happened?" Spock tore his attention away from me and seemed to mull his answer over carefully.

"The matter has already resolved itself, and is of no concern." I frowned at the door. That wasn't an answer, that was a deflection. Why was he deflecting? This only increased the feeling that whatever it was, it was _deeply_ personal. Spock only beat around the bush when something emotional was involved. I swallowed down the rest of my questions, feeling the words clogging up my throat, and stubbornly refused to look at him again.

Moments later the lift doors opened and I breezed past him with a hasty wish to enjoy his day, determined to find some food. I could feel his gaze tickling the back of my neck, and I knew that if I turned around to watch, I'd find him staring. I wasn't sure what emotion he would be trying to bury in his eyes, though, and it made me a little hurt and confused that he was giving me the run around like this.

Not that it mattered. It was obviously none of my business, and if he wanted my help he would ask me. Even though he shouldn't. He should really ask Uhura first.

I shook my head, thoroughly frustrated with my day. A little less annoyed about the tests Bones had planned out, though, because at least this meant I could work out my _new_ annoyance with all the physical labor. I just wish it didn't have to be at a hospital.

I hated hospitals.

"Captain Kirk?" My hand froze in the process of grabbing a tray. I hesitated, harshly shoving away the memory of the pub with Bones and the crowding. I took as deep of a breath as I could and plastered a smile on my face, turning around. There was a girl I'd never seen before with short, black hair and brown eyes staring at me in adoration. My heart sank.

"Hi there. What can I do for you?" The girl blushed, smiling shyly and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I thought it was you, but I wasn't sure. I just had to come up and see for myself, though. It's such an honor to meet you, ma'am, you're such an inspiration."

I felt like I was going to throw up.

"That's so sweet of you, Ms…?"

"Emily. Emily Stewart." I outstretched my hand to shake hers in a tight grasp, wishing that I could be _anywhere_ but here.

' _Fuck everything about this day.'_

"Ms. Stewart. It's nice to meet you. I appreciate the sentiment." Emily nodded and handed me a tray with a bright, happy smile. I felt like mine was cold, chiseled from stone. Could she tell how much of an imposter I was right now? I hoped not. She seemed like a sweet girl, if misguided in who she looked up to.

"When I heard about everything that happened with Khan and Admiral Marcus, and then your coma, I was so worried that you wouldn't pull through. I'm happy to see things worked out for the best." Time slipped away and the world tilted to the side in my vision, but somehow I kept my hands clasped on the tray. I threw food on it without looking to see what I'd actually grabbed, suddenly frantic to get away from her.

Ice slid down my spine as she followed me, spewing words that all just sounded like explosions going off in my head. I blinked hard, trying to clear my vision, and made a hollow noise of interest. Hopefully she didn't notice that I'd turned into a shell from before.

"-radiation poisoning, god, what is that even _like_? I've heard it's excruciating, and I can't believe you _survived_ with how long you were stuck in the-"

"I'm so sorry, but I have a doctor waiting for me. I have to go."

I'll admit it, no shame, I absolutely ran away. I didn't even bother with the food. I was pretty sure Bones had some protein bars stashed away in his office. I pretended I didn't see the hurt look in Emily's eyes as I dropped the tray where I stood and _ran_. On an impulse, I went past the lift and headed for the stairwell. The door clanged shut behind me with a kind of finality, and I looked up at the spirals of stairs.

At least I hadn't gone on an impulsive run to Sacramento or something this time. I balled up my fists, so angry, so fucking _angry_ at my inability to even listen to someone talk about what had happened to me. All of this supposed progress with Jenna and what did it amount to? Me hiding out in an empty stairwell from someone who just wanted to wish me well.

My stomach rolled unhappily, both nauseous and hungry. I ignored it and _booked_ it up the stairs. Bones would ream my ass over the coals for doing this and possibly screwing with his test results, but if I didn't do something to get this energy out of my body, I was going to go crazy. I was going to curl into the smallest ball I could, and succumb to the flashes of fire and pain that had run through my veins when I died.

All of this "progress," and really, I hadn't made any progress at all.

* * *

"This is pointless." I spat. Jenna stared at, nonplussed. I glared at her before wrenching my eyes away and focusing instead on my hands. My fingers were long and slender, the nails bit down to the quick from stress. My nail beds were a mess. Such tiny things to have so much power.

They shook slightly.

"What's pointless, Piper?" her voice didn't sound hurt, or angry, or anything except curious and maybe slightly worried. It made the anger under my skin boil hotter, and my fingers curled into a fist. I felt out of control, near hysterical. All of my emotions swelled in me, and I was just too small to feel things so much larger than myself, and it really _pissed me off._

"This," I hissed. " _All_ of this. This therapy, these tests, the medicines, _all of it_. All of it is _pointless_ because none of it has _fixed me_. I am still just as broken as the day I walked in here. I can't even stand to hear his name. People start complimenting me and I want to vomit because I'm so uncomfortable. I _died_ , Jenna. Do you know what it means for a Captain of a ship to die before they assure their crew's safety? It means they _failed_. And people are congratulating me for this?"

Jenna eyes glinted with something, but I was too far gone in this empty, black rage that had come out of nowhere. I hadn't even let her say hi to me before I'd sat down and started ripping into her. Dimly, there was a part of me that felt guilty. Jenna had done absolutely nothing but try and help me, she didn't deserve to be the brunt of whatever demons I was dealing with. She was paid to help me find the strength to deal with them, not to be abused by them.

But I couldn't stop. I had started already, the words had been said. And what's said is said. It cannot be unsaid. And it just felt so _good_. It had been so long now with these stupid anxiety attacks, with the inability to _cope_. I was just so _done_ with everything, and I wanted to rage at the universe that had never, not even _once_ , done anything to help me.

"You feel like you failed your crew?" she asked curiously. I scoffed and jumped up from the chair, pacing back and forth. I couldn't sit still. I was going to _explode_ if I sat still.

" _Of course_ I failed my crew!" I shouted. Jenna, to her credit, didn't so much as jump. "The Captain is _always_ the last one to go. Do you have any idea how many people I had staffed on my ship for that mission? _I had over 600 people on board._ And I had to go and die before everyone was safe because that's just how useless I am."

"I would hardly call the sacrifice you made useless, Piper. That whole ship would have crashed to the surface of the Earth, killing everyone on board if you hadn't given your life that day. To my understanding, when someone gives their life in the service of others, it is seen as a great deed of courage. Not a failure."

I gritted my teeth, hearing the logic of what she said, the inherent truth. But I didn't _want_ to hear it. There was this big, ugly part of my soul that was battered and bleeding, some essential piece that was shattered, and it snarled at everything she had to say.

There was a flash of realization that I didn't actually _want_ help feeling better, and then I was pulling at my hair, groaning in frustration. I had nothing to say back to her. I _couldn't_ say anything back to her. She was right. What I had done hadn't been useless. But I _felt_ useless. I felt like this toy that someone had broken and thrown in the garbage because no one wanted to take the time to try and fix it. I felt like I had been wrung out for all I was worth from the moment I was born. My mother, always so gentle and so sad, no love in her heart left to give me. My brother, who couldn't _wait_ to get away from the abusive stepfather and the little sister born with a brain that knew too much, too soon.

Tarsus, and the endless _sea_ of corpses. First my aunt, then my uncle, the first people that were kind to me unconditionally and without expectation - murdered right in front of my eyes. All those children I looked after, starving and wasting away every day. Every morning more bodies, more hunger, more blood. Kodos.

I shuddered at the pain of Kodos. His eyes, so piercing and blue, so much like Khan's. Was that why I found the thought of him so horrifying?

I felt gentle hands on my shoulder as I curled further in on myself (when had I ended up on the floor?). My eyes felt puffy and sore from all the crying, but I couldn't stop the wracking sobs. Decades worth of acute pain was just exploding out of me and it felt like death all over again. This endless stream of everyone in my life that had never wanted me, people that always left. Why did they always leave? Why did they _always_ leave me? I had so much love to give to others, I had _so much_ to offer, and everyone always seemed to spit on me for it. Why was I _never_ good enough?

Would I ever be someone's first choice?

Would I even be someone's second choice?

The dam had burst. It was messy. The wall that had been holding this cavernous pit at bay had cracked, and I was astonished with the sheer _depth_ of pain I felt. I made a keening noise, unable to put to words what I felt, stuck with a piercing cry of undiluted human suffering. Great, soulful sobs wrenched out from my chest, consumed me, until my heart broke with the weight of it all. I could feel this darkness in me that had been growing my whole life - could feel the wildness of it, the hunger to overshadow everything else I felt until I was nothing but an empty husk. It made me want to scream out, rage against this weight, this _pressure_ that had been put upon my shoulders without any consideration if I could actually handle it.

I don't know how long I was on Jenna's floor, sobbing into her arms. Long enough to reach a kind of horrible clarity that felt like something I had already known, and chosen to forget.

I had no idea who this person was that I had grown up to be, but I _hated_ her. More than anyone I had ever met. I couldn't stand to be in my own skin.

' _How did this happen to me?'_

This revelation was so horrifying that it sparked a fresh wave of tears and a loud wailing that I was wholly unequipped to repress. I couldn't accept it, it couldn't be true, but there it was staring me right in the face. I hated myself. But I _couldn't_ hate myself, because I was... I was all I had left. I was the only constant in my life. There was no one else. Nothing else. Everyone else had left, or was going to leave, the data said this with certainty. So if no one else would do it, then I had resolved to love myself so much that I never needed another to do it for me. 

I felt such a surreal sense of abandonment that shook me down to the core. Out of everyone, I never saw this coming. How was an emotion this complicated even possible to experience? I felt so angry at myself, because there was a part of me that had _walked away_ from this ball of pain and rage I'd turned into. I had been _abandoned_ in some corner of my mind, left to my own defenses, and I couldn't blame anyone else but myself. Then, at the same time, I felt so ashamed, because I realized what I'd done, and my heart broke. How could I have done this to myself? Instead of dealing with this, I'd pushed it away and pretended not to notice. Piper had left this behind, but _this_ was also me, and me was also Piper. It was all the same person, and yet all somehow felt intrinsically different. Was I dissociating?

I felt like I was dissociating.

I was probably dissociating. 

_'How has everything gone so horribly wrong?'_

* * *

Eventually I calmed down. My clothes were soaked with sweat and tears. Distantly, I registered Jenna leaving for a moment before returning with a box of tissues. I blinked at it slowly before sluggishly grabbing a few pieces and wiping at my face. Jenna just watched me, silent.

I wasn't sure how long we sat there. I could hear the soft murmur of people milling about the office. I only gathered the strength to look up when I felt her hand on my shoulder again. Jenna's eyes shone brightly with a lot of emotion that I felt wholly unequipped to deal with. I dropped my eyes to the carpet.

"Do you feel a little calmer?" she asked softly. I thought over this. The technical answer was no. It was all there still, simmering under the surface. I simply didn't have the energy for it anymore. So in a sort of way I guess that meant I was calmer?

Whatever. I nodded.

"What were you feeling, Piper?" I shied away from her, bringing my knees up to my face and tucking myself away. I shrugged with great effort. She hummed quietly before drawing her hand away. My shoulders relaxed a little bit when she did.

We lapsed back into silence.

"Would you like some water?" I sniffled quietly and nodded again. Moments later a small cup of cool water was set on the floor next to me.

I didn't touch it. I wanted the water, but the thought of having to reach out, grab the cup, bring it up to my mouth… it exhausted me down to my bones.

"Is it okay if I give you a hug?" I waited a beat before I shrugged. I felt her arms reach around me, gently coming together over my shoulders. I felt pressure in my eyes that usually came with crying, but my eyes remained dry. I didn't have any tears left to give. I tensed my muscles to hide the shaking in my hands.

"Piper, I want you to listen to me, _really_ listen." Jenna waited a second, and I wondered if she was hoping for some kind of response from me, some sign that I understood and was indeed listening. She sighed quietly when I remained curled in on myself, speechless.

"I cannot and will not speak for anyone else in your life. As much as I wish I had that power for you, I don't. However, I _do_ speak for myself when I say that you are important to me."

I made some sort of choking noise and tried to shy away from her. Jenna simply tightened her arms and laid her cheek on my shoulder. Her voice dropped to something soft and meaningful and she spoke right into my ear. Right down into my soul, and I couldn't run from it, much as I wanted to.

"You are _important_ , Piper. Your life has _meaning_ outside of what you can do for others. You matter simply by being yourself. You do not owe your life, your passion, your sense of self-worth, or your self-respect to anyone except yourself. Not your friend Bones, not Spock, not your dead father. No one owns any of that except you."

I shook my head, unable to force out the words that were strangling me. Everything in me was rebelling at this. This couldn't be right. I couldn't be this… _thing_ that she said I was, because if I was, then what the hell kind of explanation did I have for my entire life? If I wasn't a monster, then I didn't deserve any of the beatings, I didn't deserve dying. I didn't deserve Tarsus. None of it. But I had been given it anyway.

And that was something I could not stomach.

Because if it hadn't been my fault, then there… there was just nothing. There was _nothing_.

"I can see how much pain you're in, Piper. Thank you for your trust in me. I am _so_ sorry you've had to suffer like this in your life. I will not trivialize what you're feeling by telling you that you'll be okay. I can't make a promise like that, that's a promise you have to make to yourself. You have to tell yourself you'll be okay, and then you have to _work_ for it. But I absolutely have faith in you that if you really want to leave this pain behind, then you can. And I will be here to help you for as long as you need me."

I sniffled. I guess I did have more tears left. I lifted my head weakly and tried to blink away the blur from my vision. Jenna's face was close to mine, and I could see a great concern on her face, but beneath that was a hard conviction. She _really_ believed in everything she'd said.

My face crumpled as I threw my hands around her and sobbed into her shoulder.

We stayed on the floor like that for the rest of my session. When my time was up, I wiped off my face, quietly bid her a goodbye, and drove home in a fog. I didn't even bother taking off my shoes before I fell into bed, passing out as my head hit the pillow.

* * *

I stared gravely into the mirror. Blue eyes, bright and sparkling with intelligence, looked back at me. I blinked. The woman in the reflection copied me. I pursed my lips, and I watched the woman with an embarrassed kind of detachment.

I felt foolish.

"I am important. I am in control of how I feel, and today I choose happiness. I am my own hero." My brow furrowed and I scrunched my eyes in concentration before I huffed and looked down at the crumpled paper to jog my memory. "I let go of that which no longer serves me. I love myself deeply and fully. I am whole and worthy of this love. I am enough."

The last affirmation left a slight tingle on the tip of my tongue, and this funny feeling flopped in my stomach that I didn't recognize. It was a pleasant feeling, though. I'd felt so _cold_ inside the last couple of weeks, it was a welcome relief. Tentatively, I bit my lip and looked at my reflection before meeting my own eyes again. Uncertain blue orbs pierced right through me, and then darkened with determination.

"I am _enough_."

The warm, floppy feeling came back but stronger. It spread out from my abdomen. My lips twitched in what could almost be a smile. I tucked the paper back into my jeans and left my bathroom.

Jenna had given me a long list of positive affirmations she wanted me to say out loud every day. I felt like an idiot the first day, and the second, and the third. But she assured me that the longer I kept with it, the easier it would be to continue, and the more I heard all of these things, the more I would start to believe it. Personally, I wanted to find the whole thing suspect because I felt like a fool staring at my reflection every day and talking to myself like I was some crazy person.

Even if I was told repeatedly that Jenna believed every affirmation she gave me.

My therapy with her had changed since my absolute _breakdown_ in her office. Something had… shifted. I couldn't put my finger on it. If I had to guess I would say that had been one of those rare moments of vulnerability Jenna had been talking about, and now that she saw who I really was, the ugly blackness I hid inside, she was better equipped to help.

I noticed it in the ways she caught my panic attacks before they started happening now, helped me get control of the anxiety before it swallowed me whole. She had a much better grasp on the off-hand comments I made that were disparaging about myself. Every single time I ripped into myself, she had me stop in the middle of my sentence and recite more of her affirmations. She gave me other things to try that, surprisingly, had helped.

It's always been easy for me to get stuck in my own head, lost in the labyrinth of self-hatred and righteous indignation. She told me that whenever I noticed that happening, she wanted me to mentally picture a stop sign and force my mind into a complex task. Some kind of math problem, something challenging. Jenna told me that a challenge would keep my mind too busy to entertain these thoughts, as well as give me a confidence boost when I inevitably finished it. The stop sign, much to my astonishment, would slowly break down the neural pathways I had made in my mental isolation. The more often we think something, she said, the more the pathway is established, and the easier it is for the human mind to recall this thought. It was the whole idea behind rote memorization. You grasp the concept of something to build the pathway, and then repeat it to foster a stronger connection.

I had my work cut out for me because I had about twenty years worth of neural pathways to disrupt.

Some days I was better at it than others. There were a lot of days where I still cried in her office. I even argued with her sometimes when she had to remind me of my self-worth. Nothing as bad as that first day. That had been like dying and being reborn. Like one great big earthquake of emotion and we were going through the aftershocks now.

Regardless of what I said or did, Jenna was unflappable in her consistency. She never once showed any disappointment when I regressed and seemed to give up on myself completely. She never huffed in frustration when I bawled my eyes out yet _again_. She would simply sit there, and listen. Offer me a tissue or a pat on the shoulder. And when the black emotion had passed, she would help me examine it. We would figure out where it had come from, what memory had spawned it, and she did her best to disassemble it with me.

Jenna had been right though. She did none of the work for me. She gave me the tools to do the work myself, and helped push me back on the right path when I started to fall behind, but all of the work I had to do on my own. It was… _excruciating_. Every bit of poison was slowly being pulled from me, drop by drop. Every time we had to revisit something from my past, it was like I was being injured all over again.

I'm not a saint. I've done bad things in my time. Things I am not proud of, things I don't admit to easily. Confronting my skeletons takes a certain spine of steel that I sometimes just… don't have. Which is why I've always gone looking for that strength in the bottom of a bottle or in the warmth of someone's body. Having Jenna's help made the process more focused, less messy, but she cut right to the heart of matters with the precision of a scalpel. It was a lot harder to hide from myself when there was an objective party calling out all my bullshit every time I tried.

Sometimes, therapy really just _sucked_ , okay?

I wanted to be done. I wanted the world to shut up, and the universe to just _stop_ , and I wanted to lie down and just waste all my atoms away. I felt like an entire nerve, exposed and raw, like the barest of touches would break me. At first I'd tried dealing with those nights on my own, I didn't feel comfortable being like this around other people. I felt too… too weak.

 _Unsafe_.

But Jenna quickly discouraged my inclination to isolate myself.

"That's more of the same pattern of behavior, Piper, part of your coping mechanisms of the past, and I don't mean to offend you but I'm going to be frank and tell you that they have never once worked out well for you. If you _want_ to change, then you _have_ to _change_ , and that starts with how you process all this anger and fear you have."

Honestly, it was infuriating how much sense she made all the time. And I really, _really_ hated how a lot of what she had to say were things I already knew, but had chosen to ignore. It wasn't so much a revelation talking to her, as much as it was a re-discovery of who I was. It was a novel feeling, because I couldn't tell you the last time I really felt like myself. But this swirling, messy ball of _ugh_ that I felt all the time were the most genuine emotions I'd ever felt in my life.

Well.

Except for maybe one.

I frowned down at my breakfast, shoving away the plate still full of food, and tried not to think of black hair and brown eyes. Instead, I forced the rest of my food down my throat too fast to taste, and tried not to gag as it settled in my stomach uncomfortably. I pulled my hair up into a ponytail and slipped on my running shoes to go for my morning jog. The exercise had really been helping me with controlling my mood swings, something Jenna had avidly encouraged me to keep up with. Bones, while hesitant about me pushing my body with strenuous activity, gave his tacit agreement as long as I promised to call him if I ever felt uncomfortable or faint. We were waiting on some problem with the labs for the final test results from my blood work before Bones would give me a definitive answer on what had him so spooked. Normally it wouldn't take this long, but I guess a lot of hospitals hadn't recovered yet since the accident, and every testing lab was overworked with the backlog from both new and pre-existing patients in the city. Even set as a high priority test, we weren't expecting any answers for at least another week.

It was frustrating. Just as frustrating as everything else in my life. I felt like some freak of nature, a walking science experiment. Sometimes I wanted to both curl in on myself until no one could find me, and crawl out of the skin surrounding this body I no longer recognized. But no matter how uncomfortable I felt, this was the body I was stuck with, and I had to make the best of it.

"Come on, feet," I muttered, grabbing my communicator and keys before slipping out the door with a swish from my blonde hair.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a monster to write, coming in at a little over 8k words. It's entirely from Spock's POV, so I'd appreciate what you guys think of it and how it turned out. I'm always nervous writing for him, I worry that I don't capture the true complexities of his nature, and instead make him sound like a robot. I hope this is not the case. Please let me know how I did!

Later on in life, Spock will reflect at the absurdity that some of the most poignant personal insights he has gained have only been born of great emotional pain.

At present, he can only wonder at whether or not there is, in fact, an ending to the overwhelming, undiluted _suffering_ that has settled in his side where his heart is. It has been three hours since he apprehended Khan, and yet Spock has not felt the passing of time as he would have before Piper's death.

His hands clenched into fists laying in his lap.

The chair he occupied was not designed for comfort over function, but he could not find the feelings within himself to care. He hadn't even gathered the will to wash the blood off his hands. Green and red flakes dried across his skin in an abstract, morbid picture attempting to depict all the ways that he felt like his _katra_ was dying. How could one person contain so much _emotion?_ Spock could not recall ever feeling something like this. The only memory that came close was watching his mother fall to her death mere moments before the transporter activated. Even that seemed to pale in comparison to this… _agony_.

Not one word.

She had been dead nearly four hours, and not one word had been given to him that truly gave hope.

Nyota had tried, right as Spock was exacting his revenge and ready to beat Khan to death _with his own two hands._ However, he was beginning to suspect she had not been entirely honest about the statistical probability of success for this procedure. Logically, Spock could not blame her methods. There is nothing else she could have said at that moment in order to cease his murderous efforts and spare Khan's life. _Logic_ dictates that she made the ethical choice.

He could not help feeling like he had been cheated, and this added to his torment, fueling the flaming inferno of rage that threatened to overtake him. There were several choice phrases Spock had heard humans utter when experiencing similar turmoil that he felt adequately encapsulated his sentiments about the _logical_ decision.

To be frank, _fuck logic_.

His soul thirsted for the death of Khan in a way Spock had never thought possible. He longed to drive his fists into Khan's pliant body over and over, until he could feel the exact moment the human stopped breathing. Spock wanted to wrap his fingers around Khan's neck and squeeze, depriving his brain of the oxygenated blood necessary for survival, leaving behind dark, sinister marks on his skin to prove that Spock had been the stronger life form. That Spock had won.

Alas, Spock was deprived of such a prize.

And so he was in this chair, in this stagnant hallway, his fists trembling against his knees wondering what the point of living was if Piper was not there to share it with him.

How had he been so blind?

Even now, he could feel it, shredded as it was. Left in tatters, the edges of it burned and frayed, as if the radiation had reached through Piper's consciousness and tried to consume Spock as well. It was such a cheap imitation of what a bond should be, what it _could_ be, but even this broken thing still held such beauty. Mere whispers that teased at him, mocking him for never realizing what he had right in front of him. And yet the song all these whispers sang to him pulled at his soul in such a way as to leave him quaking with need.

It left Spock feeling bereft.

The only way he had noticed this bond he shared with Piper was when she was ripped from it. It had snapped in half with the loss of her soul, nearly taking Spock's sanity with it. He had comprehended at the moment of her passing that not only was she _his_ , but he was _hers_ in a way that no other soul could ever hope to be. They were two parts of one whole, and now he was only a half. The lesser half at that. Piper had been life, sunshine, and a soft golden glow in his life, illuminating everything. Now, he was stumbling around in the dark, his heart ripped from his chest with no hope of ever finding his way out.

It was a wonder he could even sit there and remember how to breathe.

Spock was uncertain what he was going to do if this did not work as planned. Dr. McCoy had been more honest than Nyota about the reality of their situation.

"I can't guarantee this will work, Spock, there's a big difference between Tribbles and a human consciousness, but it's the only option we have left."

It was, at best, _a long shot._

Still, Spock could not bring himself to leave and wallow in his grief. If there was… even a ghost of a chance that Piper could be saved, he could not bear the thought of being away from her. And so he sat, letting the bustle of the hospital wash over him, as time went ruthlessly forward.

Nyota had attempted to convince Spock to leave, for food and shower and comfort. But the thought of seeking support from her was so viscerally _wrong_ now. It made him feel very nauseous to even entertain the idea. It was no fault of hers, Nyota was a wonderful woman. Fiercely independent, breathtaking to behold, and with a seeming endless intelligence. It was a marvel she had the patience for Spock when all others did not. Yet another gem in her favor.

And yet.

She was not Piper, and nothing about her could ever _be_ Piper, and so he recoiled from her so violently that Nyota had been at a loss for words. Spock was unsure what expression had broken past his shields, but whatever she saw on his face had made the blood drain from her and take a frightened step back.

He had not seen her for nearly two hours.

Others came by, all from the crew of the _Enterprise_. All still uncertain whether or not to offer congratulations or their condolences. All consumed with grief. Spock wanted to laugh at them all. _None_ of them understood how important this woman was. Not a single one comprehended how singular, how unique of an existence Piper was to him.

_T'hy'la._

Spock had thought it a myth. It seemed so improbable as to be classified impossible. His people did not keep to the old ways, they had long ago shed their emotional outbursts for the cold simplicity of logic and reason. T'hy'la were not known to be real. Could not be real. How could such a thing stand to reason? The likelihood of finding such a being was enough to call the whole affair laughable.

 _And yet_.

There was no other explanation that Spock could fathom. The old lore Vulcans liked to pretend did not exist spoke of such bonds. They were prone to fanciful hyperbole, Spock had been certain, but the empty chasm in his chest said otherwise. And with such a fledgling bond causing so much pain, there was little option left to offer him any kind of justification.

Piper was his t'hy'la.

And his t'hy'la was…

Spock felt a pressure behind his eyes he now knew meant tears were unavoidable. Such a display was shameful. Abysmal. He should be horrified with his own lack of control.

He could not find the energy to care.

The warmth from his tears burned tracks across his face. The bond in the back of his mind, ragged and dying, keened out with him in misery. With great alarm, he realized that the bond was fading. With no tether on the other side, _no Piper_ , it could not sustain itself, and it was dissolving to ashes in his consciousness. He made a soft noise of distress, clenching his fists tighter, and clamped down on the bond with all of the strength he could. It ached, it _stung_ to hold on to this dead and broken thing, this reminder of what he had never had and now never would. It was anguish, feeling how empty and alone he was in the universe.

But… it was all he had left of her.

Spock could not, in good conscience, allow it to desert him as well.

But the more he tried to hold on to it, the faster it slipped away. It quieted, and then all at once, without any fanfare, it was gone.

It was at that moment that Spock realized every meaning of the word heartbreak. His head dropped into his hands in a shameful display of emotions, his sobs echoing hollowly around him in the empty hallway.

* * *

_**She's waking up.** _

His fingers flew across the screen in response.

_**Thank you for the warning, Doctor. Is there any indication how long this process will take before she is conscious?** _

It felt like an eternity waiting for the device to beep quietly once again.

_**If these circumstances were anything even close to the realm of normal, then maybe I'd have a better idea, but all I know is that her brain waves are telling me she'll be awake soon. If I had to give a time frame, I would say maybe in the late afternoon, but I don't know exactly when it will be. Sorry, Spock.** _

He contemplated the idea of forgoing his morning meal to rush off to the hospital, but was just barely able to keep himself disciplined enough to continue with the routine. Logically, arriving at the hospital would not hasten Piper's journey to wakefulness. However, he could not condone the idea of following his whole routine as usual.

A compromise was in order, thus he agreed to finish a substitute meal he was capable of cooking in a shorter amount of time, but decided to skip the morning meditations and lesson planning. In the grander scope of things, academia seemed superfluous and inconsequential.

All in all, it took Spock precisely 47 minutes to arrive at Piper's room in the hospital. Doctor McCoy was, obviously, already present. He seemed to be caught in some unspoken dance between all the machines previously used to keep Piper's body stable during her coma. Khan's blood had done remarkable work in healing her of her… condition. However, the strain on her own genetics had been _substantial_ , and the transfusions, while necessary to purge the radiation, had caused her heart to fail on several occasions. McCoy had, for a time, put her on life support, so as to give her body time to heal without the pressure of sustaining life.

At the moment Spock entered the room, the intubation connected to the ventilator was carefully being removed. He found himself arrested by the site, by the dangerous flutter of hope and resigned to standing by the door in the corner. He did not want to impose his presence upon the doctor and distract the man from such a delicate process.

Despite Piper's wan complexion, Spock could not help but appreciate how golden her hair looked in the light streaming in from the window. There were bags under her eyes, and her muscles were slightly atrophied from under use. The feeding tube, while nourishing her body, had done little to keep the toned and athletic body Piper found desirable.

To Spock, she was captivating in her inherent beauty. If he was perfectly honest, he felt a little breathless simply with the gift of beholding her.

"It won't be long now, Spock. She's nearly awake." Spock blinked at the doctor, nodding quietly. There was no indication to expect anything less than a complete return to Piper's cognitive functions, but he could not help the feeling of anxiety swelling within him. Had the crew frozen her body quickly enough? Had the serum properly restored her neural pathways? Were the transfusions too much for her body to bear? Would the person that awoke still be Piper?

_Was his t'hy'la even here?_

There was a sudden gasp of air from the bed, and Spock clenched his hat tightly in his hands. It was obvious she was in pain, and he felt his feet move to take him to her side before he had made the conscious decision. He stilled himself through a great force of will. The peek of her iridescent blue eyes when they first snapped open nearly undid him. All of his carefully constructed walls, his hours of meditation, useless.

But nearly as fast as they opened, Piper slammed them shut again in an intense grimace, and Spock felt like he could once again properly breathe. Deeply in through the nose, and slowly out through the mouth so as to calm the rapid heart rate. It would not due to overwhelm her the moment she awoke. No matter how he wished to whisper Old Vulcan psalms into her skin, Doctor McCoy would throw him out at the sheer audacity.

There was an unintelligible groan of discontent that Spock felt he could relate with down in his _katra_ , and the good doctor chuckled from his spot next to her. Piper jumped in obvious surprise, and with bated breath, Spock watched her once again open her eyes. He felt more adequately prepared for the sight.

He was, once again, mistaken.

Even though they were not trained on him, Spock felt himself weak, and briefly contemplated asking Doctor McCoy for a physical exam. Such a repeated strain on his nervous system could not, realistically, be healthy. This was, however, a secondary concern to the glint of pain and unconcealed _shame_ that darkened Piper's eyes. She had seen something in her friend's face and, much to Spock's dismay, she was immediately sobbing.

Spock did not realize how hopeless one being could feel when confronted with a problem they could not fix. Despite what he wished was within his capabilities, he knew that her journey towards healing mentally would have to be a fight she completed with her own capabilities. But he had faith in her success. He knew a great deal of Piper's character, knew of how compassionate she was. How much she gave of herself to others, especially the friends she considered family. He could only imagine the depths of her love, and the emotions she felt. They had to rival his own, if she truly was to be his t'hy'la. Nothing less would be acceptable, he would overshadow her otherwise.

No, it was obvious by all the things that flickered across her face how deeply distressed she was by whatever thoughts hid behind her blue eyes.

Spock nearly gasped at the surge of relief when he realized that Piper was _here_. She was _present_ , and they had not simply woken up a vegetable. It had been a fear that kept him stricken for many nights, unable to completely commit to the meditations necessary to maintain his mental shields. The strain had been understandably wearing him thin with all his time helping to set the academy to rights.

"Oh, Piper, don't be so melodramatic, you were _barely_ dead." Spock pursed his lips with displeasure at the flippancy. This was not such a lighthearted matter to him, and he felt irritated with the doctor for downplaying how they had nearly been unable to work this miracle to fruition. But then Piper let loose a quiet chuckle through her tears, and Spock felt some of his ire lessen. McCoy was simply using humor to lighten the intense emotions of the moment, he realized.

Perhaps Spock could let it go, in that case.

"It's the blood transfusions that really took a toll on you. You were in a coma for two weeks." Piper quieted her sobs to the occasional sniffle as her brow furrowed in confusion. Spock could see the intelligence in her eyes as she tried to come to the answer on her own, and he felt such pride for his t'hy'la in that moment. He was not so arrogant to claim superiority over another when presented with the obvious truth. Spock could not deny that Piper held an intellect parallel to his own. Though, admittedly, her methods were foreign to him. It was without surprise, then, when she came to the obvious conclusion in mere moments.

"Khan?"

And he had thought it a struggle to see her eyes. What a hasty presumption. He had not waited to hear her speak until coming to this conclusion. Obviously, he was mistaken. It was much more taxing to hear her voice and not be allowed to feel the reverberations of her vocal chords with his tongue. To feel the whisper of it chase across his lips.

Spock took in a shuddering breath and released it very, _very_ slowly.

"I developed a serum from his blood to transfuse. Your cells were _heavily_ irradiated, and it took some time for your body to adjust. To be honest, it was kind of hit and miss there for awhile." Even Spock could hear the hollow tones of McCoy's voice, and he felt he could greatly empathize with the man. There was nothing left for Spock to feel without Piper around to give it meaning.

After a silent moment between the two, McCoy put his tricorder away, apparently satisfied with the findings. Spock allowed himself to relax further with the knowledge. If the doctor was unconcerned with what he saw, he would trust his professional judgement. It was obvious McCoy held his t'hy'la in very high regard, and Spock doubted the man would accept anything less than perfection when it came to her health.

"Tell me, are you feeling homicidal, power mad, despotic?" Another successful attempt at easing Piper's worries with his _charming_ wit. Her lips lifted in a weak smile, but it was full of very real affection. Spock was instantly aflame with jealousy. It should be _him_ that she smiled for.

Patience, he had to remind himself. All in due time. They had the rest of their lives, there was no need to rush.

"No more than normal," she whispered. The doctor nodded, expecting such a response, and walked around her bed to inspect the flow of her numerous medications.

Spock lost his breath when Piper's blue eyes pierced right through him. They widened in surprise, and he felt such a magnetism in the gaze. As if she was hollowing him out, looking for his _katra_ for her examination. It brought forth such a turmoil in his mind. All of the fear, the feeling of being torn in two, and his better half having burned to dust. The bloodlust that even now, demanded retribution. All of his emotions swirled across his mind, and Spock found he was struggling to repress them once he was under the force of her attention. It was… daunting.

Feeling tense and wholly unequipped for this encounter (though this did not stop his spike of pleasure at having been noticed), Spock slowly walked to her bedside. He felt compelled to speak, to offer her _something_ , but the words eluded him. They felt trapped within his mind, and Spock cursed his own ineptitude.

And then Piper began crying once again.

Spock instantly felt a gentle tenderness for the fragile woman in front of him. He could not stand the sight of her suffering, he felt it as a physical discomfort in his side. His hands twitched behind his back with the urge to wipe the tear tracks away, and brush his hands through her hair. It was so obvious how she needed him, how she felt the same distance he did. Piper did not, however, have the same understanding as to why this emptiness was rooted so deeply in her soul. Spock once again blamed his past ignorance. Had he only noticed this sooner, she would not be as lost as she was now. He would spend the rest of her life earning her forgiveness for such a grievous error.

Piper seemed to quickly spiral into a despair she could not work herself out of, and Spock watched with alarm as she quickly began to lose the ability to breathe easily. Her cries turned closer to a whimper of some unnameable pain, and Spock felt a flutter in his side of concern. He looked up and locked eyes with the doctor, seeing the same worry reflected back.

"Hey," McCoy attempted, " _hey_ , Piper, you need to calm down. Piper!"

Spock did not want to offer this, he felt incredibly selfish and coveted her attention accordingly. However, if he was causing more harm than good simply by being near, he _would not_ subject her to it. He would not do anything to hurt her ever again.

"If my presence is too distressing, perhaps I should visit at a later -"

" _No!_ " she wailed so loudly and so suddenly, both men jumped. Piper blinked several times, trying to clear her eyes and looked between them both, her eyes full of blind panic. As if the idea of Spock leaving was so abhorrent, she was going to retch.

"P-please don't leave, Spock. I'm sorry, I'm a mess, I don't even know why I'm crying, but I can't… Bones, please don't make him leave me, _please_. I just, I just need a minute to calm down, I'm a little overwhelmed, but I'm okay, _I'm okay_ \- "

"Piper," McCoy's sharp tone cut across her mindless rambling, silencing her instantly. Spock could not tear his eyes away from her, in awe. He had suspected the lost bond had harmed her psyche as well, but now he was truly worried about the extent of the damage.

"Calm down. Take deep breaths for me, that's right. Just like that."

Piper nodded at the command, and gradually slowed her breathing down. Spock felt he could breathe easier with her, now that she no longer hyperventilated. The readings from her biobed also came back within normal ranges as her blood pressure lowered, and her heart rate slowed. He let out a barely audible sigh of relief.

_This was all his fault._

"Now, if you can keep yourself _calmed the hell down,_ then Spock can stay, but I will _not_ have anything or anyone in here that is going to stress you out." There was a brief flash of anxiety across her face, but Piper took another deep breath and gave a small nod that she understood. Doctor McCoy narrowed his eyes at her.

"I have to put in some orders to change your medications now that you're awake. I'll only be gone twenty minutes." McCoy held up a threatening finger towards her, and Spock felt the irrational urge to break it. He took a deep breath, focusing on the mantras of his childhood. " _Calm_."

Piper stuck her tongue out at McCoy's retreating back with childish indignance, and Spock felt his lips twitch in a smile he tried to repress. Her eyes, still clouded with some measure of pain, twinkled up at him nonetheless. He took a silent moment to appreciate the sight, committing it to memory before he set his cap down and pulled a chair away from the wall. He would much rather lie down on the bed next to her and hold her safe within his arms, but for now, this would suffice.

"How are you feeling, Captain?" Piper shrugged, wincing at the motion, and wiped her hands weakly across her face to erase the evidence of her fit.

"Like I died," her tone was flat and toneless, and Spock was not sure if it was this fact or her words which caused him to flinch. The impulse was so strong, he could not hope to contain it before his body reacted. He blinked, and was transported for a moment back to that blasted glass door, watching helplessly as her dying breaths rattled in her chest and all measure of life faded from her eyes. In another moment, he blinked, back in the hospital, and forced his expression into the best imitation of impassivity he could grasp.

Piper's face flushed in shame and she dropped her gaze down to pick at her blanket. Spock let out a quiet huff, expelling the last of the memory with it.

"Sorry, that was insensitive."

A beat of silence.

"How did you guys get enough of Khan's blood for a transfusion?"

Spock debated the best way to answer this. He knew there was a high probability she would be vexed to learn how carelessly he had acted. However, being both vulcan and her t'hy'la, he was unable to stomach the idea of lying to her. He had long perfected stringing several facts together in such a way so that nothing he spoke was a lie, but the ability to interpret his meaning multiple ways was not only possible, but probable. It was the closest to being outright dishonest he could manage.

Ultimately, Spock decided he did not want their first interaction upon her waking to be built around deceit. More than that, he could not stomach the idea of ever convincing Piper of a falsity, whether explicit or implicit it did not matter. She was his, yes, but he was also _hers_ , and he owed her _every_ part of himself, including his faults.

"After your… death," Spock was utterly displeased with how the word nearly choked him as he spoke, "the crew of the _Enterprise_ was able to apprehend and detain Khan at the behest of Doctor McCoy."

Piper's brow furrowed in confusion, and Spock found there was no better adjective for her expression other than _adorable_.

"Detain? How did you guys detain _Khan_?"

"By rendering him unconscious through physical altercation."

Her blue eyes clouded with suspicion and narrowed at him. Spock felt himself tense under her scrutiny, but kept his face still through great effort.

"And just what possessed you to get into said altercation with the homicidal, power mad, despotic maniac?"

Spock's lips pursed at the accusation in her tone, and abruptly battled off an intense urge to throw his chair across the room. Pictures flashed across his mind: Piper's quiet confession of fear moments before she died, her plea for help against this unstoppable emotion, watching the light fade from her eyes forever. Rage, red and burning, flooded his entire system. He felt his heart begin beating faster in preparation for physical exertion, responding to his body's fight or flight instincts. He very much wanted to relish in the fighting aspect of this adrenaline rush, and found he felt robbed once more that Nyota had kept him from snapping Khan's neck with his own hands.

Logic was slow to take over his baser urges, but with several deep breaths, Spock came back to himself and remembered that if he had indeed murdered Khan, they would not have had the tools necessary to save Piper's life. In comparison, her living was more important than his need for ruthless retaliation. Though it was difficult to remember this, strained as his faculties were.

"A feeling at the moment of your passing that I can only describe as a desire for vengeance," he finally admitted, voice quiet as he wrestled the last of his bloodlust down. This would take considerable meditations to purge from his system later.

Piper's face crumpled with guilt, and her eyes dulled. Spock watched as she shrunk into the bed.

"I'm sorry, Spock," she offered. There were a great many things she could be feeling remorseful over. He tilted his head to the side, a silent question in his eyes. "I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt any of you. I was just trying to… to do the right thing."

Ah. She was feeling responsible for his loss of control. He considered this for a moment. Yes, he decided, her decision to subject her body to radiation had caused her death, and his brief lapse. He could put her at fault, if he so chose. This was not productive for him, however, and he dismissed the notion outright. He instead tried to think of some way to absolve her of this guilt, uncomfortable with the idea that she would carry this weight between them in their relationship.

"Logic dictates that you did make the right choice," he spoke calmly. Piper's blue eyes met his hesitantly, a small flicker of hope buried deep in the depths of her ocean gaze.

"As such, there is no requirement to apologize for simply being… logical." And yet logic had very nearly taken Piper from him forever. It sparked an echo of the emptiness he'd fought against this past month. He had come so close, _so close_ , to losing this.

"Spock, are you okay?"

Spock's shoulders tensed, and he quickly dropped his gaze down to his hands, lest Piper glean too much of the turmoil inside. He felt a rising compulsion within himself to bare his soul to her. To confess all of the emotional struggles he fought against, and all of feelings he had never realized he was capable of experiencing until she died. He wanted to share his most treasured memories of his mother with her, and the shame of his bullying. He wanted to offer up his insecurities, that she might understand what drove him towards his goals in life, and so that she might find a kindred soul within him.

He knew it was too soon, he _knew_ she wasn't ready for this just yet. T'hy'la she may be, but Piper was broken, and understandably so. He could not even begin to comprehend the trauma she had suffered from this. Much as he might want to fix everything, this was a journey of healing she must make on her own. Spock would do her no favors by robbing her of the ability to learn. And to be frank, he did not want to have a life-partner that lacked the maturity he knew would come from this.

But his t'hy'la was _hurting_ , and he was doing _nothing_ to help her and he had never felt like such a failure.

He was torn.

Spock could not overwhelm her, this would be too much and the probability of her running from this relationship was too high to risk at the moment. Piper had only just come back to him, he could not risk her so soon.

Resigned to his decision, Spock gathered what fortitude he had left and met her gaze evenly. He opened his mouth for this dismissive answer he'd formulated, but was ultimately absolved from answering when Doctor McCoy walked back into the room. Startled, Spock quickly stood and set the chair back to rights.

He had much to discuss with his older counterpart, and could not delay this conversation any longer.

Though he very nearly decided against this when Piper's expression crumpled in dismay once she realized Spock was gathering his things to leave. It was not enough to make him change his mind, but it was a near thing.

"I, regretfully, have another engagement to attend to, Captain," Spock informed her. He watched her try to smother her disappointment, and felt compelled to mollify her. It was not ideal, but… "However, I am uncommitted to any appointments tomorrow, and I am able to spend more time here keeping you company, if you are amenable."

Spock was rewarded with watching a very pleasing shade of pink stain her cheeks as she flushed with pleasure. He took a moment to appreciate the sight, his emotions clouding his mind with warmth. If he thought about it hard enough, he could almost picture how she would taste the first time he kissed her.

Piper's blue eyes crinkled happily.

"Chess?" she asked hopefully.

"Chess." He could deny her nothing.

With a shy smile quite uncharacteristic for her, Piper nodded and watched as Bones silently worked beside her. Spock recognized a dismissal, and without another word walked through the door.

For the first time in a month that night, Spock slept.

* * *

"You've been avoiding me."

Spock halted reviewing an end of term paper for a moment, his finger hovering over the PADD before he continued in his work. He swallowed thickly, his mouth uncharacteristically dry.

There was no point in dodging the truth.

"I have."

"Why?"

Spock considered the question for a moment. With a soft sigh, he set the PADD aside on the desk in front of him and looked up to meet a pair of dark brown eyes, swirling with anger and hurt. He felt a flash of shame. Nyota deserved so much more than what he had offered her since the incident with Khan. Nothing about this situation was her fault, and it was not fair of him to simply ignore her presence because it made his life easier. It was dishonest and disrespectful, and his mother had taught him _better_ than this.

Spock fought the urge to look away from her piercing gaze. Instead, he gestured to the chair across from him.

"Please, have a seat. We have much to discuss."

At first, it looked like Nyota would refuse him, and for a moment he believed she would. But ultimately, she walked slowly over to the chair and sat on the edge of the seat, glaring at him. Spock flicked his eyes across her face. She looked tired. There were dark circles under her eyes indicative of a lack of restful sleep. He felt another stab of guilt.

"I must apologize to you, Nyota," he began softly. She sat up a little straighter. "I have behaved abhorrently, and my mother would be ashamed of me were she still alive. I have been avoiding you because there are a great many things made clear to me since Piper died, and none of these topics will be easy for us to address. I found the option of putting the problem off to be… preferable."

Nyota made a soft noise of disbelief and crossed her arms.

"That doesn't sound very much like you, Spock. I haven't known you to avoid a problem because you're uncomfortable with it. That's very…" Her voice trailed off quietly, at a loss.

"Human?" he offered. She snorted, but nodded her agreement. Spock lowered his gaze to the desk in front of him, and the words of the essay on his screen. It was unremarkable, though passable for the assignment parameters. With some effort, he tore his attention away from the PADD, discreetly shutting off the screen. No more distractions.

"What's wrong, Spock?" Again, he had to consider this answer.

"I am… conflicted in such a way as I have not felt since the day my mother died," he admitted quietly. Nyota's face softened, her eyes welling with empathy. He looked away from it. He had no desire for her compassion, he did not deserve it with what he was about to do.

"I find myself hesitant to speak on the nature of my conflict, because I know that it may cause you great pain, and I never desire to see you suffer." Nyota watched him for a moment, her expression guarded and suspicious. Then, confusingly, her bottom lip trembled and her eyes were welling with tears. He marveled that her brown eyes shone brightly with the moisture refracting the extra light.

Truly, Nyota was a stunningly beautiful woman.

Things would have been so much easier if she were his t'hy'la.

Spock felt an _instant_ tidal wave of shame at the thought and buried it _deep_ in his mind. He would not even entertain the thought that Piper was anything less than _perfect_ for him. To do so would be the equivalent of blasphemy.

"It's Piper, isn't it? Something happened with her. You… you changed when she died, Spock. You haven't really been the same since." Spock said nothing, merely inclined his head in acknowledgement at the truth of her words. She made a frustrated noise and stood, beginning to pace around his small office.

"What happened?"

Spock hesitated. Nyota deserved nothing but the truth, especially after the abhorrent way he'd treated her. But this topic was _intensely_ personal to him and his people, and he found that he did not relish the idea of confessing his closest secret to her. Especially not before he had the chance to speak with Piper about what they meant to one another now.

Spock held back his sigh, but just barely.

"She is… t'hy'la."

There was a small part of him that hoped that Nyota's knowledge, extensive as it was, did not reach that far.

"That's… Spock, that's not possible."

It was a short-lived hope.

"And yet, it is the truth. I only discovered this fact after Piper… passed away."

Nyota stopped her pacing and stood before him, dumbstruck. Her hands fell down to her sides, her eyes wide and bright with her shock.

"I've only heard stories about them, I thought they were myths the way they were told to me. What exactly is t'hy'la, Spock?" He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He clasped his hands together lightly on his desk, battling the urge to fidget.

He was Vulcan. He did not _fidget_.

"There is no exact translation of the word. It is a multifaceted concept for an individual that is all at once the equivalent of a brother, a lover, and a friend. I believe the closest term for you would be soulmate."

Nyota fell back down in the chair, her face paling. Spock pinched his lips together at the flash of pain on her face.

"That's - that's why you almost beat Khan to death, isn't it?" A look of realization lit up her want complexion. "And that's why you only stopped when I said it would save her."

Spock could not help but think her last statement sounded like an accusation.

"I was not in my right frame of mind when Piper died. My actions were not entirely within my control, as the knowledge of what she was - what she _is_ \- was followed immediately by the realization of what I had _lost_." Nyota pursed her lips and wrapped her arms around herself. She looked very, very small sitting before him. Spock felt a sad weight settle in his side. The expression on her face right now was precisely why he had put off having this conversation. Though, he supposed, he had only added to her pain by keeping her in suspense.

Would it have been better to make her aware of the situation as soon as it became apparent to him? Or would that have been more cruel to end their relationship moments after losing a dear friend to the cold embrace of death? Which decision was the wiser choice?

It mattered not, he supposed. The choice had been made, and these were the consequences he would suffer for it now. Either way, Nyota would have been hurt. There was no way out of this situation for everyone to remain unscathed.

"So, what? That's it? Just like that, we're done?" Spock did not bother to hide his sadness from her.

"I cannot, in good conscience, remain in a relationship with you and pine for another," he confessed.

The tears finally spilled over onto her cheeks, and she quickly wiped them away, angry. Spock could see her trying to pull her emotions in check, to hide them from his gaze. He hurt with the loss of her, but not in the way he would have hurt a couple of months ago.

"That was fast," she muttered, her voice bitter. The corners of Spock's mouth pulled down in a soft frown.

"Do not make the mistake of assuming I feel nothing for you, Nyota. I will always care about you, and I treasure your unique place in my life. I am able to love you without being _in_ love with you."

"Well you sure aren't showing it well, Spock. How fast was it before you were dropping me for Piper? A matter of a few seconds it seems."

Spock bristled at her tone, and sat up straighter in his seat. He could sense where the implication was leading, and he felt a warm anger inside.

"Do not resort to petty insults to assuage your pain, Nyota, it serves no purpose here," he chastised sharply. Her cheeks flushed, but she narrowed her eyes at him and said nothing. This time, Spock did not fight the sign that welled up in his chest.

"I do not think you truly comprehend what a t'hy'la truly is to me."

"No, Spock, no I don't. Because you haven't _talked_ to me in forever!" She jumped to her feet, throwing her hands in the air in exasperation. Spock tightened his clasped hands when she raised her voice at him. "So you find your t'hy'la, and you aren't even willing to try with us anymore? Did I mean anything to you? You've dumped me without any consideration to my feelings or pride, and don't even respect me enough to try and see if you can be with me still? I…"

Her voice cracked and more tears spilled over, dripping off her chin and falling silently to the carpet below. Spock watched, enraptured, as she stopped her gesticulating and let her body slump, listless. She looked as if all the life had been drained out of her.

"I cannot, Nyota. Not for lack of respect, but because my _katra_ no longer belongs to me. From the moment I felt the bond break, I realized what a t'hy'la represents. I felt all that potential, Nyota, and I cannot express in words how _much_ I want it back. That desire for a connection is _constant_ , and it would overshadow any other relationship I attempted."

Nyota blinked, a growing look of horror on her face.

"Spock, you sound like you've been brainwashed."

The horror left a moment later, and fury darkened her expression.

"I'm sorry, did you say you were _bonded_ with her when she died?"

Spock tensed. That had been a mistake, and not a piece of information he had wished to confess. More mistakes and consequences.

"Yes. I did not consciously seek her out to form one, and I am quite sure that she is unaware it was ever there. It was very weak."

"You expect me to believe this bond just _appeared_ out of _nowhere_ while you were _still dating me?!_ "

Spock slammed his hands on the desk and stood, his facial muscles twitching with the urge to contain his rage, and she jumped in fright at the sudden response. He consoled himself with the reminder that despite her dedication to her craft, Nyota was not and never would be a Vulcan. She could not fully grasp what a t'hy'la was, unless she was destined for one of his kin. He took a deep breath in through his nose and out through his mouth. He dropped his eyes to examine the carpet at her feet.

" _Yes_ ," he growled, "I expect you to trust me enough to know that I would never be disloyal to you. I take great offense at the implication. I was quite content in my relationship with you and had no desire to seek out companionship in another, let alone form a bond with any other. This simply happened by the nature of what we are to one another and being in close proximity for so long."

At this he lifted his eyes and pierced her with his gaze.

"Such is the strength of our compatibility. This is what it means, for us to be t'hy'la. There _can be no other_ for me, Nyota. For the rest of my long life, she will be the only being to bring fulfillment to my life, and peace to my _katra_ , and I _will not_ disrespect you by pretending this is not the case. You are a singularly wonderful individual, and you deserve every bit of happiness in your life. Unfortunately, it is not something I am able to provide for you anymore. Not in the way you wish of me."

Nyota flushed and turned around. She could no longer bear the sight of him, it seemed. Spock felt his energy leave him and fell back into his chair, suddenly exhausted. Perhaps he had not regained his strength from his vigil at Piper's side while she slept on in her coma.

"I'm sorry, Spock. I know you wouldn't cheat on me like that."

A tension he had not been aware of in his chest released, and he let out a breath of relief. He was mollified by her admission.

"I am glad," he murmured. Her shoulders tensed.

"I don't… I don't know how to be around you. And her. This is… this is a lot. How did she take the news?"

Silence.

Nyota threw a furtive look at him over her shoulder before her eyes widened in shock. He looked evasively out the windows at his side.

"You mean she is the love of your life, and you haven't _told_ her?"

"...It is not the right time."

"It's _never_ the right time, Spock. You _make_ it the right time, and you _tell her_." His shoulders tensed.

"I am not what she needs right now," he muttered. Flashes of her guilt, her self-loathing, the self-deprecation welled up in his mind. He caught glimpses of it during his many visits to her in the hospital. Piper made a valiant effort of concealing this darkness within her behind her sharp wit and even sharper intelligence, but Spock was not a stranger to her methods of coping with trauma. She had been changed by this, of that he was sure. And not, he was concerned, entirely for the better.

She may be the breath within his lungs, the blood in his veins, and the light in his life, but to thrust that responsibility upon her before she was strong enough to bear the weight was unfair. She did not need Spock in that way in her life, just yet. Some day, yes. Oh she may be at a point where she _wanted_ him in her life in a romantic engagement (and truly, the more he considered his past with her, the more he noticed subtle signs indicating this to be true), but it was not yet the role she _needed_ of him.

He had the rest of their lives to share in every joy with her, and learn the most intimate secrets of her body. He was in no rush. Spock could have infinite patience when the need arose. No. Lover he may be at some point, but for now she needed him more as the brother, more as the friend.

Spock could deny her nothing.

And so he would keep this secret from her, until she had healed the scars on her mind.

"I can't, I'm sorry, I can't _deal_ with all of this right now. I thought we…" Nyota's wavering voice pulled Spock from his musings, and he watched her evenly as she struggled to pull herself together. She took a few shaky breaths, wiping more tears from her face before giving him a very hard look.

"I need to get away. I can't be around you or Piper right now. I'm going to go see my mother in Africa." Spock felt an _ache_ at the thought of losing her friendship, but he could do nothing. His hands were tied. He was promised to another, and so could not be with Nyota to make her happy. But his intended was broken, and must heal her wounds before she would stomach the thought of a relationship with him. And so Spock could not make _Piper_ happy either.

When had he become this inept?

"I understand, Nyota," Spock's voice was hoarse with emotion. "I am… I never meant for this to happen. I never wanted to hurt you."

She sniffled and nodded, but would not meet his eyes.

"I know, Spock. I just…" she shrugged. "I'll be back, and we can talk more after some time. Maybe I'll understand it better then. I just can't be… _here_."

Spock inclined his head, opening his mouth to wish her a safe journey, but she was already out the door, the end of her ponytail flicking at him as she shut the door behind her. He was expecting her to slam it. He would not have blamed her. He felt like he deserved it. He almost wished she would, despite the pain it would cause.

She did not.

She shut the door so softly behind her, that he could not hear it click into place. Somehow, he decided in the oppressive silence that followed, that had been exponentially worse.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take all of medical anything with a grain of salt here, people. There's a lot of assumption, a tiny bit of magic mumbo-jumbo, with the barest hint of medical know-how. So. That's, like, a thing.

_For a moment I panicked, thinking I had once again returned as a drop in the ocean that was the universal consciousness. That somewhere, off in the ether of space and time, I had in fact followed my worst fears and died. Permanently._

_But when I realized that I_ could _panic with a sense of self-identity, I calmed down a little. I couldn't have been a part of the… whatever that was, if I still remembered who I had been. Who Piper was. And that Piper was me._

_I think therefore I am, and all that other nonsense._

_But then, following the calm, came the confusion. If I was still me, then why was I back here? And why did I remember all of this? And why had I forgotten it in the first place? Because now that I floated across galaxies, I realized that I_ had _forgotten all of this. I'd lost this… this feeling of peace and connectedness. My understanding, my intrinsic grasp of who Piper_ actually _was, and that spot in the universe that had been carved out just for me - it had all been ripped away._

 _And with_ that _realization came anger._

 _If I had been able to keep that feeling of purpose, of seeing how everything worked together, how I fit, how I had a part to play, then I wouldn't be hurting in the first place. That was my biggest problem, I realized. I didn't know who I was when I was in my body. When I wasn't here, in whatever afterlife this seemed to be, I lost myself. I lost my way when all of the noise became too loud. I couldn't hear it for the pulsing symphony of_ life _that I was floating through, and the me that I had been was lost._

_And I was so, so angry that this had been taken from me._

" _Oh my pet, whatever am I to do with you?"_

 _With a jolt I realized that I recognized this voice, I had heard it before. The last time I was here, in fact. Though I couldn't remember what exactly had been said, I got the same sense of… the universe speaking to me. A harmony of voices, from all walks of life, all galaxies, all speaking to me at once. And it should have overwhelmed me, and indeed the sheer_ power _I felt behind that voice (those voices?) was, in a sense, overwhelming. But not in that it terrified me. I didn't feel afraid of this voice. Merely… curious._

" _Such a small thing to cause such big waves," it said, and I could detect a feeling of melancholy in it that made me feel very, very small._

" _Who… who are you?" I was surprised at how… distant my voice sounded. Strained. Then I wondered how I even had a voice to use since I was just an aimless consciousness, and I had no body to speak of. (I feel like this fact should have been more alarming than it actually was.)_

" _Ah, my sweet, do not try so hard for that yet, that comes with experience. To answer your question would be an answer more complicated than you're willing to accept right now. In order to make things simple…" and here the voices hesitated, "you may call me Q."_

_How does one talk without a voice? A meteor blazed by me, eclipsing the sun I had chosen to orbit, and its tail was a mix of blues and purples I was sure I had never seen before. I contemplated this question further. Maybe this voice, this Q, simply meant no physical voice? Would it be able to comprehend me through thoughts and feelings?_

_**What is this place?**_ _I wasn't sure at first that it had worked, but then a sense of astonished delight flew right through me that I knew without a shadow of a doubt was not my own._

" _Oh, my little strawberry crumpet you never cease to amaze me." I felt a sense of wonder as one voice pulled to the front of all the others, until it was the only one left to speak. The resounding_ boom _of the universe simply… faded, and I was conversing with a distinctly male voice. Soft, smooth, and if I felt confident enough to say so, ever so mischievous._

" _This place is every place, little pied Piper. But you already knew that, didn't you?" I wasn't surprised that he knew exactly who I was, and my lack of surprise is what surprised me. But even that faded, and the tidal wave of peace and contentment drew me away to a place where I could analyze this all with a cold detachment. Yes, he was right, I did already know that. Had known that since I'd returned. Had known before I'd even left the first time and this was all stolen from me. It couldn't be anything else. I wasn't any one place, I was all places. I just… was._

_There was no point in acknowledging it, when we both knew it as fact. I decided to leave it behind and move on to the next question._

_**How am I back?**_ _There was another feeling that was not my own, and if I could laugh at the amusement I felt, I would have._

" _My, but you are a darling little thing, aren't you?" I was irritated at the condescension I could clearly pick out, but even that emotion drifted away from me, leaving behind nothing but the quiet._

" _You are here because you are stubborn, and you never listen to your betters."_

_**What does that even mean?** _

" _It means, dear heart, that you are messing with things you do not yet understand."_

_**I'm not doing anything. I don't even know how I got there.** _

" _Semantics. It's all the same in the end."_

_I briefly missed my body solely for the ability to sigh in frustration._

_**Why did I forget this?** _

" _Now, now, you can't expect all the answers right away, can you?"_

_I contemplated coming up with some kind of argument, but the thought of bringing any kind of animosity or confrontation in where I only felt acceptance and belonging was abhorrent to me. If this being, whatever it was, wanted to enlighten me, it would. If it didn't, then I hardly felt capable of changing its mind. I was content to drift aimlessly between the galaxies, admiring the planets for all the beauty, the life that they nurtured._

" _Sweet Piper, it's time to wake up now."_

_I felt the first flicker of fear, though it was hardly a whisper of the emotion._

_**How do I wake up from reality?** _

_There was a trilling laugh all around me, and I had a sneaking suspicion that Q was mocking me._

" _A question for the ages, my little blueberry. But wake up you must."_

_**I don't want to wake up, Q.** _

" _No, I suppose you don't. You never do."_

* * *

For once, it was actually my alarm that woke me up. Blaring so loud at the tender time of 6:30 in the morning that I couldn't help but show my gratitude with the pillow I mercilessly threw. Once the blaring noise stopped I groaned and threw an arm over my eyes, exhausted beyond all reason. I couldn't even remember falling asleep last night. I'd made dinner, sat in front of my TV for a Star Wars marathon I'd been waiting all week for, and then…

I blinked and looked around the room. I'd made it to my bed, obviously. And even changed into pajamas by the looks of things. And set an alarm too. But I had no memory of this. I furrowed my brow, confused. Did I have anything to drink last night? I didn't think so. I certainly didn't feel like I'd gotten black out drunk. Apart from the oppressive exhaustion, I didn't feel any different.

After a moment's contemplation, I shrugged. Whatever. Nothing happened, I was fine, so it wasn't that big a deal.

Though I was so _tired_. I felt it down in my bones. I felt like I hadn't slept in _days_. Which confused me the most this morning, because I'd just woken up from a very deep and pleasant sleep. At least it felt pleasant. I'd had a very nice dream. I think. I wasn't too sure, but I could feel _something_ lingering on the edge of my consciousness, just…

I shook my head as the thought slipped away.

I just needed some coffee.

With my goal in mind, I found the energy to roll out of bed and zombie to my kitchen. Setting up the coffee and pouring a cup was a blur in my mind , but once I had some caffeine running through my veins, I did feel better. More alert. I was contemplating my options for breakfast when I heard a faint noise from my communicator back in my bedroom.

Opening it up, I found a waiting message from both Spock and Bones. I looked at the one from Spock first. Yet another message wishing me a pleasant morning. I frowned, but ultimately I sent back a short and precise message wishing him the same in response. I very sternly ignored how my heart _soared_ that he had wished me a good morning every single day since I'd been released from the hospital.

The next was from Bones.

_**Piper, I've just gotten your test results. I need you to come to the hospital as soon as you can so we can go over them.** _

Nervousness fluttered through my stomach. Nothing about the message was alarming or even unexpected, but it still made me feel apprehensive. I wasn't sure if I was more terrified or relieved to finally know what was going on with me. Maybe I'd stop feeling like a science experiment once I knew.

My most recent message, and the one I'd heard from the kitchen, was from Uhura.

_**Piper, I really need you to talk to me. Please?** _

My fingers hesitated in a response. I sighed, snapping the device shut and setting it on the counter. I felt horrible. I'd been avoiding Uhura for a week, giving her every excuse in the book, all because I couldn't stomach the idea of seeing her. Because I felt _guilty_ about how Spock made me feel, and how I seemed to make him feel in response. And I knew once I saw her, all of that was going to come to an end, and reality would come crashing back into my life. Which was terrible, and extremely selfish of me to resent, but that was what I was dealing with. I shouldn't resent Uhura for her happiness. She was my closest female friend. Quite possibly my only female friend, to be honest.

It was hard to earn respect from her, but I'd done it, and it was not something I took for granted. I didn't want to lose that respect by admitting her boyfriend had maybe sort of possibly been flirting with me?

I groaned.

This was dumb. I wasn't even entirely sure that was the case. Maybe it was all in my head, and I was just making shit up that wasn't really there. Honestly, the more I thought about it, the more likely this seemed. I mean, really, what was I thinking? Spock had Uhura. Why would he even be interested in someone like me when there was no comparison between the two? There were millions of blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauties out there, but the kind of elegance Uhura had was singular and refined. Exotic, almost. Not to mention her mind was as sharp as any blade.

There's no way Spock would flirt with me when he had someone like _that_ for a girlfriend. I was a _disaster_. Plus, I knew Spock's character, he was not the kind of person to be unfaithful.

It was just all wishful thinking, even though I shouldn't wish for him in the first place.

It was all in my head.

I had no reason to fear talking to Uhura.

_**You're right, I'm so sorry I've been unavailable. I have an appointment with my therapist this evening, but if you want to get together this afternoon before that I'm free.** _

There. Done. Now I couldn't take it back. I had to see her and face this like the grown ass woman I was trying to be.

_**Perfect. I'll be by your place around 2, is that okay?** _

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

_**Yeah, that's fine. See you then.** _

I set my communicator down with finality and set about hurrying through breakfast and a shower. If I wanted to catch Bones before the morning rush of patients, I had to be there very soon.

* * *

There was an awkward, tense silence between me and my best friend as I sat in his office. It gave me time to look around at the walls I'd already examined a thousand times. The same degrees and certificates hanging on the wall behind him. The same bookshelf in the corner, right next to the couch that I know he used to catch naps between surgeries. A minimalist desk, with only the bare necessities required to do his job. Clean, professional, and the only mark of his personality on the room was a picture of his daughter Joanna, placed strategically on the corner of his desk to catch the light and be the center of attention. I'd seen it all before, and I was sure I'd see it all again. Still, it was a marvel that it was so… empty. So devoid of what made Bones who he was. Not for the first time, I wondered if he kept this kind of separation intentional, if it made it easier for him to have the clinical attitude necessary for this job.

Not that it seemed to be helping right now.

Bones had this crease in between his brows that I knew meant he was stressing particularly hard over something he couldn't figure out. It did not help the butterflies in my stomach.

"Well, Piper, I've gotta admit, I'm not quite sure what to make of all this." I bit my lip. I knew I had to ask it, I just didn't really want the answer.

"What do you mean, Bones? What's wrong?" His blue eyes flicked up to me, but he didn't hold my gaze long before his eyes dropped down to the PADD in his hands. He opened his mouth to say something, seemed to think better of it, sighed, and closed his mouth. I watched with growing trepidation as he set the PADD down and ran a hand through his hair.

"How have you been sleeping, Piper?" I blinked, caught off-guard by the sudden topic change.

"What?"

"How have you been sleeping?" I blinked, once again. Hearing it again hadn't helped my brain catch up with his.

"Fine, I guess. I'm averaging about six hours a night. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but that's what it averages to at the end of the week." He nodded, looking at the picture of his daughter, face thoughtful.

"How about physically, how are you doing? Any headaches? Any heart problems of any sort?" I shook my head, well and truly _losing my shit_ at this point.

"No, Bones, nothing like that."

"Mentally? You're doing good with Dr. Fitzpatrick right? You're not losing time or anything?"

I froze. Bones noticed it instantly and pierced me to my seat, his cobalt gaze wary and suspicious.

"Things with Jenna are great, Bones. As great as they can be anyway. As far as losing time… I don't know if this counts or not, but I don't remember falling asleep last night, or even how I got in bed. But that's where I woke up, so…"

Bones was silent for a moment, and then made a notation in my records.

"Bones, you're really freaking me out, what the hell is wrong with me?" He pinched the bridge of his nose and muttered something I couldn't make out before moving the PADD completely off to the side and clasping his hands together on his desk.

"Piper, during… during some of your longer stress tests, we monitored all of your vitals. Including your brain waves. Now, normally this isn't standard procedure, but I haven't wanted to take any chances with how experimental the serum was that saved your life. Once you ran a certain extent, and enough endorphins were released that would normally trigger what's known as a 'runner's high,' it seems something peculiar happened. From the recordings, it appears that your brain waves slipped into something very similar to delta waves during a sleep cycle. After the computer picked up this anomaly, your vitals were no longer able to be conclusively recorded."

I sat there, not quite sure what to make of this news. It didn't seem that frightening to me. From what I remembered, delta waves were the waves a human brain put out during the deepest stages of dreamless sleep, and some forms of meditation. I wasn't sure why this seemed to disturb Bones so deeply, though I did find the fact that my vitals couldn't be recorded after the fact worrisome.

"Okay, well… that sounds weird. I thought you told me during the test that everything looked normal, that the results of that test was just a formality."

"That's the thing, Piper, they _were_ normal during the test. I have no explanation why the results came back different. My best guess is we used faulty equipment, so I'd like to perform the test again. I'd also like to conduct a sleep study and see what happens to your brain during sleep, and compare it to any other weird results we get."

Bones and I both knew he hadn't used faulty equipment. He checks everything himself before using it on his patients, he's too anal to use anything that could glitch. It made me think he was looking for excuses, even impossible ones, as to why he got the answers he did.

I wasn't too keen on the idea of a sleep study. I hated sleeping in hospitals. I had especially bad memories from after my coma, waking up screaming from my nightmares and being drugged back to sleep. Only now with the added bonus that I couldn't wake myself up from the nightmares because of the sleep medication. I really hate medications too. I hate ones that fog my brain over the most.

But, this was Bones, and he seemed properly scared for me. That alone was enough to make me suck it up and suffer for one night. I owed him that much, at least, after all I'd ever put him through.

"Alright, Bones. When do you want to do this?" The look of overwhelming relief let me know I'd made the right choice, even if I felt a stewing ball of anxiety forming in my stomach at the idea.

"I can have everything set up by tomorrow. Be here in my office at 4 tomorrow evening and we'll start with the stress test and end with the sleep study. Sound good?" I shrugged, unimpressed.

"Yeah, if that's what gets you going. Sounds great." Bones stood from his desk and walked around to me, putting a hand softly on my shoulder.

"I know you don't like this, Piper. I don't like doing this to you. But the sooner we know what's going on inside your body, the sooner we have the answers we need." I rolled my eyes and nodded.

"Yeah, okay, _mom_." Bones dropped his hand and glared at me.

"Brat."

"Dick."

* * *

 _Pasta? I'm feeling pasta. Maybe I should make a lasagna?_ I eyed the prices on ricotta cheese with a critical eye, and then after some quick calculations decided I would go for the cheaper option of spaghetti with meatballs. But this meant with the extra room in my budget, I could splurge for garlic bread. Which, let's be honest, everyone needs more of in their life.

After my appointment with Bones I'd gone home and taken a very long run to clear my head. I felt uneasy with how many questions we had, and how many unknowns there were, but I chose to be hopeful about the results of the sleep study. There was no other physician I trusted more than Bones, and I knew if there was something wrong with me, he wouldn't sleep until he knew what it was. As guilty as I felt for being such a source of stress for him, it comforted me to know he cared so much for my well being.

I quickly finished my grocery shopping, with minimal interruptions. I had taken to wearing very retro headphones that covered both of my ears, playing loud music to discourage people from coming up to congratulate me. I could handle these incidents without immediately running away now, but it still ruined my whole day after, and I fell into a depression that was difficult to pull myself out of. Jenna and I both agreed it was in my best interest to keep these things from happening as much as possible. It felt like backwards progress when I got like that, which made my depression even worse. It was a vicious cycle to break out of.

The store wasn't terribly far from my place, and if I hurried, I could have all of the groceries put away before Uhura showed up.

Much to my surprise, she was standing outside of my door when I arrived. I paused in the hallway and looked down at the watch on my wrist. Then I looked back up to her where she was leaning against my door with the biggest, dopiest grin I'd ever seen on her face.

"We did say 2, right?" Uhura giggled and jogged down the hallway. I flashed my own grin at her as she threw her arms around me and hugged me so tightly that I dropped a couple of my groceries. With how she was trembling around me, I didn't much care. I just wrapped my arms around her and squeezed just as tightly. I rested my forehead on her shoulder and took in a deep, shuddering breath.

"I got excited. Sue me." I chuckled at her dry tone of voice and squeezed her tighter before letting go. Uhura beat me in picking up my groceries and pulled me impatiently to my own door. Rolling my eyes affectionately, I unlocked my apartment and let us both inside.

Uhura dropped my food unceremoniously on my island counter and whirled around, hands on her hips and _glared_ at me.

Unsurprisingly, I froze on the spot.

"Why on _Earth_ have you been avoiding me too? Do you have _any_ idea how worried sick I've been? I kept getting scattered updates from McCoy about your condition, but not once did you reach out to me and let me know you were okay!"

My face flushed with shame. It would have been better if she yelled at me, and I could tell she wanted to by how her voice quavered, but somehow she kept her composure. I silently dropped my head in shame and set about hanging up my coat and keys. I didn't have a good answer for her. I could tell her about everything with Spock, but that was only half of the truth. When I'd first woken up, I hadn't felt the change between the two of us, and I had no reason to hide anything from her. So why the radio silence then?

I honestly didn't know. I didn't have the answer.

Maybe I felt too worn thin from dying and coming back to life, but using my death felt like too much of a low blow and I didn't want to hurt her with that memory all over again.

Maybe I was just being selfish, and I knew once I sent her a message she would show up with Spock every day, and then our alone time wouldn't be alone time anymore. This felt closer to the truth, and I just felt worse admitting it to myself. I refused to run away from who I was, though, not anymore. If I was going to learn to truly love myself, I had to accept all of my faults, including how selfish I could be sometimes.

Maybe it was also a little bit that I just hadn't been strong enough for anyone else. Bones, I had to see, he was my doctor. Spock, I wanted to see because I felt safer with him than any other person on the planet. But the idea of seeing the rest of my crew at the time had been nothing short of overwhelming. I felt like a rubber band stretched just shy of the snapping point most of the time, and back when I'd first woken up, it had been even more intense. This also felt like the truth, and I decided with some grudging acceptance that I had been both selfish and weak in my avoidance of everyone. Including Uhura.

"Did I do something? I don't understand why I keep getting this treatment from the people that are supposed to care about me." I frowned, slightly confused about what she meant by continually being avoided, but ignored that last bit for now. I turned to face her, my face properly contrite.

"I'm so sorry, Nyota. You haven't done anything wrong. Once I woke up I was just… the world was a lot to come back to. I was a lot to come back to. I don't have a very good reason for you, other than I'm a very messed up person in my head and dying is what it took for me to finally confront that. It's not fair to you at all that I projected any of my insecurities or pain on you and punished you for it, but that's what it boils down to I think. I don't know how to apologize enough other than I'm in therapy and have been since I was released and I swear I won't do anything like that again."

Uhura eyed me thoughtfully, folding her arms across her chest. I struggled with the urge to fidget. She really was very intimidating when she wanted to be. It was probably part of the reason why it took so long for us to become real friends. She scared the shit out of me sometimes.

"Well… I accept your apology, Piper. But, please, no more shutting me out. You had me really worried, and you really hurt my feelings." My face flushed a deeper shade of guilt and I nodded. I blinked rapidly to clear the tears from my eyes.

"How's life been since you woke up?" I shrugged, walking past her to start putting the groceries away. I _had_ to do something with my hands, I couldn't stand it any longer. This was so like her. It was so easy for her to move on from something and just let it lie in the past. I envied her for the grace she had for forgiveness. It was something I seemed to be sorely lacking in my life.

"Rough," I admitted softly. Uhura waited a moment before helping me sort the food between cold and pantry.

"How so?"

"Well, I have some pretty intense PTSD-"

"I'd be worried if you didn't."

"-and some really confusing health concerns that Bones hasn't been able to explain yet. He has me going in for a couple of tests tomorrow." Uhura stopped and set the food in her hand down, giving me a worried look.

"What kind of tests? Are you okay? What's wrong with your health? I thought you were all healed."

"Well, I am, but there have been some… things that happened that we can't really explain. Bones is just trying to figure out if we even _should_ be concerned." This did not help the worry leave her face.

"Things? What things? Why are you being so vague?" I made an aimless flap of my hands, moving to put the butter and milk in my fridge.

"Well, I have more stamina now. Like… a _lot_ more stamina. I ran thirteen miles a couple weeks ago in, like, an hour. I think. I'm not sure, I didn't have a watch on me at the time. It was fast, though. Faster than I would have been able to accomplish before I had the procedure done." I was rambling. I knew I was rambling. I stopped the rambling and closed the fridge door so I wouldn't fiddle with my groceries uselessly. Uhura stood next to me, flabbergasted, holding a loaf of french bread limply in her hands. Gently, I grabbed it from her and set it on the counter next to my fridge for later.

"I-I'm sorry, you did what now?" I snorted quietly in laughter.

"Yeah, that's everyone's reaction. Now you see why Bones is doing all the testing." Uhura blinked out of her stupor and gave me a very stern look.

"Well what happened when you got there? And why did you run so far in the first place?" I sighed, giving up on putting my food away for now and instead starting the process of boiling water for a calming cup of tea.

"I was out with Bones and had an intense anxiety attack, and my dumb ass ran away. Quite literally. I just kept going until I got somewhere quiet, and Point Bonita seemed like the place." Uhura's eyebrows shot up towards her hairline as I pulled a couple of mugs out of my cupboard. I set my collection of teas in front of her silently in offering, and she absently picked on at random and threw it on the counter. I refrained from rolling my eyes, but barely.

"You ended at Point Bonita because you _ran_ there?" I nodded, perusing for my own tea.

"I can't even… How did… What…" Darjeeling sounded like just the thing. I waited patiently for Uhura's brain to process the information and continue on.

"How did you get home? Did you run back then too?" I froze, remembering the weightlessness in Spock's arms, and being wrapped in his scent as I slept in his car. I ducked my head, guilty. My brain frantically scrambled with a way to come out of this without her hating me, and without having to lie. I did not see many options. I would have to tread very carefully.

I felt very cornered at that moment.

"Um, Spock came and got me. He drove me home." My voice was soft, hesitant. Unsure. Uhura's face smoothed in a practiced emptiness that I was _sure_ came with dating Spock. I tried not to let my panic show now that I couldn't get a read on her emotions.

She dropped her gaze to her tea bag as I quietly poured both of us steaming mugs of water. Uhura thanked me silently when I set hers down, and began the process of steeping her tea. I kept watch on her out of the corner of my eyes, uncertain what to make of her reaction. I ripped open my own packet and began softly dunking the tea bag in the water a few times before I let it simply sit in the hot liquid. I watched, mesmerized, as the water darkened.

"How is he doing?"

I frowned, confused. Shouldn't she know the answer to that question better than me? They were dating after all. Why was she asking me? The ice ran through my veins. She could only be asking because she _knew_ about that night, he'd told her how I'd almost kissed him. Oh God, she _knew_.

"F-fine, I guess. I haven't seen much of him since then." Maybe if I let her know I'd kept my distance she wouldn't be so angry at me.

"What? Why not?" I jumped at the sharpness of her voice, uncertain what to make of her. I blinked stupidly a couple times before my shoulder jerked in a twitchy shrug.

"I-I dunno, he's busy? He's doing a lot of work for the university… I thought you would've known this already?" Uhura narrowed her eyes at me, searching my eyes for something. I felt my hands clam up with sweat. She was downright _terrifying_ sometimes.

"You mean he hasn't talked to you about us?" I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion, messing with my tea bag again. What on earth was she talking about?

"Why… Why would he talk to me about your relationship? Spock is a very private person, you know that." Uhura's face darkened, and I shrank in on myself. I hadn't the faintest what I'd done to make her so mad, but I could tell she was _mad_ about something. She was fuming, mumbling what sounded suspiciously like Klingon curses under her breath. Very colorful ones. She viciously tore her tea bag out of her mug and threw it in my garbage with a very wet _splat_. I mimicked her with my own tea, though my actions were much more subdued.

"Of all the pig-headed, stubborn Vulcans…" I quirked an eyebrow at her. Uhura finally looked at me, her brown eyes troubled, and sighed heavily.

"Well, I wish he hadn't left this to me, I was expecting him to tell you while I was gone. Spock and I aren't dating anymore."

The world pulled out from under me and I froze completely still in shock.

Oh my God, this was what I'd been trying to prevent. This was the exact thing I didn't want to become. I'd given some kind of signal to Spock, led him on in some way, and now I was a _homewrecker_. Uhura was so perfect for him, too, and they looked so wonderful together. Even if there was a dark part of me that thought I would look _better_ standing next to him. I'd ruined _everything_.

"Oh. Oh my God. Nyota, I'm so sorry, are you - are you okay?" Uhura looked down at her mug thoughtfully for a minute. I didn't know what else to offer, what else I could offer. What do I say when faced with something like this?

"I'm more okay now than I was when it happened. It's why I was in Africa for so long. When Spock broke up with me, I was crushed. I just needed some time and perspective." At this Uhura took a sip of her tea and gave me a rueful smile. "I wouldn't say I've completely moved on, but I'm confident I could see him now without bursting into tears on the spot."

She was speaking like they'd broken up forever ago, but the beach hadn't been that long ago. Hesitantly, I gathered my courage, ignoring the hope that I hadn't been the cause, this hadn't been my fault this time.

"You say that like you guys broke up awhile ago."

"You were still in the hospital. I think it was about a week before you were discharged." My eyebrows shot up and a giant breath of relief left me in one, great gasp. This was great news. Well. Not great. Uhura was obviously unhappy, and that part was awful. The part about me not being some bimbo boyfriend-stealer was great. I'd still been in the hospital when they broke up, which meant I hadn't given Spock any leads or signs that I wanted him to cheat on her. _And!_ This meant everything at the beach was now absolved of guilt.

Though now I felt terrified for an entirely _new_ set of reasons. Reasons that involved commitment, and stability, and _emotions._

Then I realized that Spock and Uhura had been single for _two goddamn months_ and Spock had said _nothing_ to me. I was crushed with the realization that he didn't trust me for some reason, and that I _had_ done something wrong somewhere along the way. What other explanation did I have? Spock was my best friend, my _best friend_ , and he may be clueless in the labyrinth of human emotions sometimes, but there is no way even he could claim obtuseness in this situation. He _knew_ this was the kind of thing you shared with your best friend.

Did this mean he didn't consider me to be _his_ best friend?

I wilted in the face of this theory. Here I was again. Same old song and dance. Classic case of people meant more to me than I did to them. I tried to fight the bitter disappointment, but it settled in my gut as a vague melancholy. Uhura's sharp eyes narrowed at me as she took another sip of tea.

"What are you thinking?" she asked. I shrugged helplessly.

"I mean… you guys split a long time ago, and I'm only just now hearing about this. I'm… I'm really hurt that Spock didn't tell me, I thought we were friends. But… I dunno. I guess not."

Her lips pressed down in a very terse frown.

"You'll only know where you stand with him once you ask." I hunched my shoulders and glared down at my cup. I refused - _refused_ \- to be told, once again, that I didn't hold a place in someone's heart. I'd heard it too many times, and Spock meant too much to me - I would be _wrecked_ if he rejected me. He would be all polite about it, cordial, and compassionate in a way that only he seemed to achieve, and it would hurt all the more for it.

I couldn't. I _could not_. Especially when it was so obvious to me that he didn't trust me any longer.

"Yeah, you're probably right." My voice was hollow. Uhura very cleverly avoided mentioning how this hadn't exactly been an admission of my intention to speak with him for the rest of her visit. I tried to keep up with her interactions, offer up my usual jokes and witticisms, but it all felt lacking. Like a play I hadn't been given the lines to before I was thrust on stage.

The ground under my foot was gone, and I was falling. And now I wasn't so sure that Spock was there to catch me when I needed him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I couldn't seem to get this chapter to come out any better, no many what I tried. I hope you all enjoy it, despite my reservations. Please let me know what you think with a comment!

If there was a term that better described exhaustion besides exhaustion, that's what I was. Bones, the _slave driver_ , hadn't wanted to repeat one stress test like I was led to believe. He wanted me to repeat _three_. I also hadn't slept well the night before, stress over my visit with Uhura and nerves over this hospital visit kept my eyes open long after the burning started. And, it would seem, my stamina was not endless. After forgoing anything resembling food aside from the coffee necessary to keep me going, I already felt weak and achy. The kind of weakness that only came from starvation. A weakness I had not felt in a great many years.

I had successfully hidden this from my friend, and the stress tests had proceeded as normal. Bones would have drug me over the coals if he knew I came to the hospital in such a state. I would have had a lecture about taking care of myself and ruining his results with my weakened state,, and i just didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with it right now. Besides, I'd been in worse conditions and had to do a lot more. If I could survive Tarsus, then one evening was nothing.

Bones had checked, then re-checked the equipment in front of me. Just to be safe. Once we both agreed everything worked as expected, I was hooked up to endless nodes and told to _run_.

So I ran.

In hindsight, this was not the wisest of decisions. My body was certainly protesting the abuse now. My arms and legs were trembling from the exertion. I hadn't held anything back during my tests, reveling in the feeling of physical labor and the chance to fully process the negative emotions that plagued me. I had been remiss in my daily runs the past couple of days, and it showed. I felt lazy and slow, and the experience had been just what I needed. I hadn't realized how quickly my body had adjusted to the daily exercise, and I made a mental note not to slack off again.

But now I was in an old pair of sweats from my university days, my feet covered in an uncomfortable pair of hospital issue non-slip socks of a bland, tan color. Even more nodes were attached, like, _everywhere_ I could think of. My chest, my back, on my neck, five billion of them were on my head in this weird helmet thing. If it pulled out my hair, I was going to stab Bones with his precious hypos, and nothing would stop me. I even had them on my _ears_.

It seemed excessive.

My leg bounced against the floor with nerves as Bones, once again, explained the process to me. The mattress was soft and forgiving under my weight, the sheets surprisingly soft. Nothing like the silk sheets I spoiled myself with, but certainly better than I was expecting from a hospital. The pillows were too squishy, though. I tended to prefer the stiffer pillows, otherwise I got bad headaches. Maybe if I stacked a couple of them and shoved my arm under the pile it would be firm enough…

"Piper, are you even listening to me?" I jumped, my face coloring pink at getting caught.

"I'm always listening to you, Bones." Said doctor _rolled_ his eyes.

"You're also the picture-perfect patient that never argues or runs out of my medbay before being cleared for duty, right?" I stuck my tongue out at him. Completely unmoved, Bones reached out and flicked my bottom lip. I squeaked in indignation, but I grinned as I rubbed the sore tingle out of my lip.

"Now, as I was _saying_ , don't worry too much about this process, we'll have a tech here the whole time to monitor the equipment while you're traipsing around dreamland. I, myself, will be here for the first couple hours. We'll catch anything unusual and deal with it if it happens, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." I tried to fake my confidence, but judging by his expression, I didn't do very well. I sighed, tired and scared, and shrugged. "Well, it's not like I have another choice but to go through with it at this point. Besides, I trust you. You've literally pulled me back from death, Bones. I don't think there's much that could get in your way."

Bones flushed with embarrassed pleasure at the praise, rubbing a hand through his hair in a nervous habit. He grumbled something unintelligible and gestured weakly at the bed and left. There was a one-way mirror in front of me that I knew hid my friend. I contemplated sticking my tongue out at him again, just to be childish, but decided against it. I was tired, and this bed was entirely too inviting.

My exhaustion only grew stronger and stronger and I stood to turn down the bed. My whole body ached with how heavy I felt, and I distantly wondered at where this sudden dip in my energy levels had come from. It was too sudden to be completely natural. It was the exhaustion I'd battled all day, but worse. Like I'd been awake for days. But then the thought faded away, prey to the sleep I craved. My mind fell into darkness as my body fell into bed, too worn out to pull the blankets back over my body.

I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillows.

* * *

_I drifted past an explosion of energy, and marveled at the brilliance of the light. The potential of this dying star, the atoms it shot across the universe. I could see how they would gather once again, caught beneath the flesh of a solid body. If I had a mouth, I would smile. We were all just stars, born again. It made me feel so connected to the cosmos around me. It was a comforting feeling._

" _Back so soon again, Piper dear? Really, we have to stop meeting like this." That… that voice. I recognized that voice. Where did I recognize it from? It was on the edge of my awareness, I could practically taste the answer. There was a name, hidden somewhere, why was it hidden from me? If I could simply…_

_Ah._

_There it was._

_**Q, was it?**_ _There was a trilling laugh, and a familiar sensation of emotions I found completely foreign covered me like a blanket._

" _My but you are a quick study," Q purred. My own emotions felt more tangible this time, easier to grasp and experience as a singular individual. I had more grasp on the Piper of the matter. Memories of previous experiences, where my sense of self had been swallowed by an oppressive peace and enlightenment came to the forefront. The realization that I always forgot when I went back to my body rang true, and with it I felt a flash of anger._

_**What is happening to me? Why do I keep coming back here?** _

_Q made a tsking noise at me, and I got the sense that he was disappointed._

" _You already asked this of me, ma petite étoile." I noted how this wasn't really an answer. Irritatingly enough. I wanted hands again, so that I could throw something. Why, why was no one giving me a straight answer about what was_ _ **wrong**_ _with me? Even if I was crazy, certifiably insane, and this was only a dream it would still at least be something. Something I could handle and deal with._

" _Oh, little one, just because something is a dream does not mean it isn't real." I wasn't sure if I believed him. This all felt real, but dreams often did while you were immersed in them. Then again, I'd first come to place when I was dead, not in a dream. That gave credence to the theory that this was, in some weird cosmic way, real. However, it did not explain how I kept coming back._

_If I was dead the first time I came here, thinking logically, it meant I had to be dead to come back. And yet, I remembered being alive, the hospital, the therapy sessions, the beach. Was that the dream, then? Had I not been revived at all? Was I simply daydreaming about what my life might have been if the radiation hadn't burned it to Dustin? It felt plausible, but for some reason I couldn't explain, I knew it wasn't the truth._

_So then, in that case, the next best explanation I had was…_

_**Am I dying? Is that why I keep coming back?** _

_Q's voice hummed noncommittal and thoughtful._

_"Well there's an interesting theory. In a way, it's true. All of you humans are slowly dying, your cells deteriorating over the course of your short lives."_

_If I had teeth, I would have ground them in frustration. It was an answer that was not an answer at all, and I was tired of this beings' mercurial nature._

_**You didn't answer my question. Is that why I keep coming back?** _

_Q was silent for a time. I waited impatiently, watching as another star exploded in a show of brilliance, burning all the planets within reach. My heart quivered with the screams of the dying, but I was comforted by the knowledge that their bodies would return their atoms to the cosmos around them, to be used billions of years later to create new life. It was a small comfort, and their anguish was very loud and hard to ignore._

_"Yes and no. You are not dying, your body is healthy. But your soul, now that's another matter entirely."_

_I was distracted from examining this dying galaxy, sharply honing in on what he'd told me._

_**What do you mean by that? What's wrong with my soul?** _

_Q huffed, sounding very put-upon._

_"All in due time, my little impossibility. Right now, you need to wake up. Your friend is very worried about you, you know."_

_I felt a pulling sensation and panicked, fighting against it with what meager strength I had. I wasn't ready yet, I didn't want to wake up and forget again._

_**Wait, no Q, please just tell me what -** _

"- the fuck is going on?!" I gasped and shot up in bed, my forehead smacking Bones very soundly in his nose. He yelped in pain, jumping back from me, one hand flying to his face. I looked around wildly, ignoring the throbbing on my forehead in lieu of looking around wildly in panic.

I was terrified, but I couldn't explain why. I was taking great gasps of air in, searching for the threat I felt lingering near. There was nothing. It only frightened me further, having this fear with no justification. Remnants of my dream teased me from the back of my mind, and I struggled to remember what I'd seen, knowing with absolute certainty this was the source of my panic. But even as I grasped at them, the last bits of it just… disappeared.

It was lost.

I couldn't remember.

My fear settled as my dream vanished back into the recesses of my subconscious, and I came to full wakefulness. I groaned, finally feeling the pain in my skull, a dull pounding warning me of an impending headache.

"Jesus Christ, Piper, are you okay?!" I jumped, forgetting Bones looming over me. I furrowed my brow at him, soothing absently at my forehead.

"I feel fine. Well, I have a headache now, but that's my own fault. Why? What happened?" Bones stared at me, dumbfounded, before he dropped his hand and his eyes darted all over my face, searching. I squirmed uncomfortably at the attention.

"Your brain skipped all alpha and theta waves, dropping instantly into delta waves for two minutes, and then ceased all higher function. You were showing all signs of slipping into a coma again. I thought you were a _vegetable_."

I gaped, my brain grinding to a halt.

"But… But I was dreaming…" I stuttered meekly. Bones frowned at me, rubbing the bridge of his nose lightly. It was bright red where I'd hit him.

"No, Piper, you weren't. You never entered REM. I was about to intubate you, your breathing was slowing and your blood pressure was falling really fast. Before you just _woke up_ , that is _._ " I shook my head, refusing to believe him. This couldn't be true. I wasn't in a coma. I _couldn't_ have been in a coma. People didn't just _slip_ into comas and _slip_ out of them like that. I bit my lip, unsure.

"But I was here, I was dreaming. Bones, I was _here_." This time he shook his head and crossed his arms at me.

"Then what were you dreaming about?" I faltered. I couldn't remember what I'd seen, but I was so _sure_ there had been _something._ Some sense of peace, something… important…

I scrunched my brows together as the words failed me.

_I couldn't remember._

"I… don't know."

I blinked as a tricorder was thrust in my face. I flinched in surprise with a very undignified squawk, and tried to shove the offending device away from me. Bones, unflappable as he was, deftly moved around my futile attempts, his eyes honed in on the readouts.

"You can't remember because you _weren't dreaming._ Now, I am going to do a full body scan, and I'm going to schedule you for fMRI in a couple hours." I glared at him, swatting his hand when it got too close to my nose.

"Bones, you made me run for _forever._ I'm exhausted. I want to sleep."

"Maybe you should have thought of that before you slipped into a coma _in the middle of your sleep cycle._ "

"It's not like I did that on purpose! I don't even know how it happened!" Bones finally pulled the tricorder away, fiddling with the readings before frowning and putting it away. He leveled me with a flat look, unimpressed with this whole situation.

"You can sleep when I know what happened to you." I crossed my arms and _glared_. Unfazed, Bones pulled out a PADD from I don't even know where and began filling out his orders. I rolled my eyes and flopped back on the bed, desperately trying to ignore the churning anxiety in my stomach.

What the hell was happening to me?

* * *

"If you don't get that thing _out_ of my _fucking face_ -"

"Just give me a couple more - stop that, I'm almost done - a couple more minutes and I'll discharge you."

I ground my teeth together, my knuckles white, my eyes blazing with anger. Bones worked, unbothered. This only made me more angry, and I spitefully slapped the tricorder out of his hand. It bounced onto the floor, undamaged. Bones narrowed his eyes at me, outraged.

Just for good measure I hopped off the biobed and kicked it across the room. Bones let out some very choice curses as he stomped over to retrieve it.

I smirked, feeling very satisfied.

"If you insist on fighting me, this process will take even longer, you do realize."

My face soured.

"Or you could always let me go home to _sleep_ , like a _good friend._ " Bones straightened, his cursed tricorder in hand. I glared at the damnable thing.

His face said it all.

" _Bones,_ " I whined. "You've kept me up _all night._ I'm _exhausted._ I haven't had anymore freak comas, my vitals are just the same as they were when you took them an hour ago. There's nothing abnormal from the MRI, or any of the other five thousand scans you did last night. _I want to go home._ "

"None of that strikes you as odd? Seriously? You just _randomly_ decide to go functionally _brain dead_ with no medical explanation, and you can't be bothered to ask why?" I groaned, frustrated, flapping my hands around wildly.

"Of course I'm worried, of course I find it odd. But I am _too tired_ to even begin thinking of any kind of explanation. If you won't let me leave I will discharge myself AMA, so I can finally fucking sleep!" By the end, I was shouting. If there had been anything near me, I would have thrown it at him. I felt weak and frightened, and my thoughts were all in a jumbled mess. I was gearing up for one good temper tantrum, and if I wasn't in bed by the end of it I was going to collapse on the closest flat surface, consequences be damned.

"You are an _actual_ child. Fine. Leave. But don't expect me to come running to you when you have a stroke in your sleep," Bones snapped, face red with his anger. I rolled my eyes and marched past him, throwing the door open and not sparing a backwards glance as I fumed my way down the hall. I ripped the bracelet off my arm at the first trashcan, throwing the stupid plastic thing in as hard as I could.

As if Bones wouldn't materialize out of thin air the first time I got a paper cut. Ha. His threats were so empty. I could see right through his stupid act. _God_ , he was _such_ a slave driver. All night, as soon as I would doze off, he would wake me up, petrified. He kept shoving so many cups of coffee at me, that even _I_ had to raise my eyebrows.

Granted, he had stayed up with me the whole night, so he had to be just as tired. But that wasn't the point! He had stupid eyes, and a stupid face, and a stupid medical degree, and he was just _stupid_. That was the point.

I nodded to myself, assured of my own superiority.

Then I crumpled inside the lift as my anger left me, and I realized how unfair I had been. I looked down at my feet, feeling guilty. Bones only hovered so much because he was worried about me. I knew this. All of his painful hyposprays, his tests, the medicines… it all came from a place of love. It was extremely unfair of me to expect that level of care from my doctor and then punish him for it.

Though this time had been a bit extreme. But even that I could understand. He'd never encountered something like this before, and not having an answer was driving him up the walls. I bet he was already pacing in his office, reviewing my records again to see if he'd missed something, if there was some answer for what was wrong with me.

I resolved to prostrate myself before him in repentance. With a bottle of some very expensive Romulan ale, just to be safe. I snorted at the mental picture.

But maybe after some sleep

* * *

"You seem unsettled today, Piper."

My leg bounced in agitation.

"What gave it away?" I snapped. Jenna gave me a light frown at my tone. I hunched in on myself, guilty for lashing out at her.

"Sorry," I offered lamely. Jenna settled her hands calmly in her lap, her pen resting lightly on her pad of paper.

"I forgive you. What's bothering you?"

What wasn't bothering me? So much had happened in the three days since I'd seen her. I felt like I was drowning. I didn't even know where to begin. How could I touch on all of this in only an hour?

I took a deep breath to try and settle myself.

"Well, for starters my friend Bones did some more tests on me to try and figure out why I have this crazy stamina now. He wanted to do a sleep study because my brain was doing some weird things a couple of weeks ago, but right after I fell asleep I went into another coma. According to his equipment anyway. But when he started to hook me up to life support again I just _woke up_ like it was no big deal."

Jenna raised her eyebrows at me in shock. I ignored it, carrying on.

"Then, the day of my last appointment with you before I came here, I saw my friend Uhura. The one I've been avoiding for awhile that's dating Spock? Well turns out she isn't dating Spock anymore. Hasn't for a couple of months now. He didn't have the decency to tell me himself, like a real friend would. So I guess I wasn't really his friend at all. Which sucks to realize because he…"

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I felt the pain all over again. Just as fresh as it was when I'd first found out. It still stung, and I still felt abandoned.

"He means everything to me, Jenna. I've never felt this way about another person, and I'm so upset that he kept this from me." My voice wavered with emotion, betraying the turmoil I was failing miserably to hide. "And it really… it really hurts to think that he doesn't trust me like I thought he did. It makes me question everything about my friendship with him and where we stand."

Jenna was silent for several moments, allowing me the time I needed to scrape together my lost composure. She watched, pensive, while I rubbed the moisture from my eyes and took in a shuddering breath. She quietly wrote several notes down on her paper before giving me her undivided attention.

"What makes you so sure this comes from a place of distrust?" I laughed bitterly.

"What else could it be?"

"Did you ever _consider_ another possibility? That maybe he kept this from you because he was hurting over this, and he didn't want to burden you with his pain?"

I frowned.

"No, not really." It made some kind of sense though. Spock was religiously protective of his emotions, clinging to his Vulcan heritage like a coat of armor. I shifted in my chair, uncomfortable with the thought that I'd misjudged him. Jenna made a thoughtful noise.

"I think you shouldn't be so hasty to make assumptions about his motives. Especially when you use them to cut yourself down as you tend to. You won't really know why he made his decision until you talk to him, Piper." I looked away from her, unwilling to accept the truth in her words. Jenna was right a frightening percentage of the time, but that didn't mean she was _always_ right. She frowned at me out of the corner of my eyes.

"You look like you don't believe me." I shrugged, but offered no response. I didn't know how to voice the twisted thinking that I rationalized as logic.

Jenna watched me, mulling some unknown thought in her brain. After some tense, long moments, she seemed to come to a decision and relaxed back in her seat.

"What do you gain by this, Piper?" I looked at her out of the corner of my eyes, my brows knitting together in confusion.

"...What do you mean?"

"I mean, what do you gain by thinking the worst? Negative or positive. What will you get out of this?"

I opened my mouth to let loose the first defensive retort, but the look in her eyes made me hesitate. So I sat there and pursed my lips in thought. What _did_ I get if I assumed the worst of him? Well… I couldn't really see any positives coming my way. I did see negatives, though. I could lose my friendship with him, possibly, and end up entirely heartbroken. I could make him angry at me for butting into his personal affairs. I could upset him by bringing up a painful memory. I could have my worst fear confirmed and find out he didn't trust me, that he never had. I could realize that every bad thing I'd ever been told was true, and that I _was_ worthless. That I was only good as long as I was useful, but beyond that my existence was _pointless_.

Ah.

I looked down at my hands.

"Okay, so… what? I'm assuming the worst because there's some twisted need to confirm my worst insecurities?" Jenna scribbled quickly on her paper, nodding at me.

"Yes, I believe so. You're really the only one who can answer that, and speak to your motives. I encourage you to hold off on making _any_ judgments about the people involved until you've had a chance to speak with him."

Great. Yet another person trying to get me to have an Adult Conversation with him and be all Responsible and Composed.

Gross.

"What would it mean for you if he had some explanation you could accept and forgive him for, now that you know he's single?" My face _flamed_ at the implication.

"Oh my _God_ , Jenna, you can't just _say_ things like that. You aren't trying to set me up with him, are you?!" She chuckled quietly, shaking her head.

"No, no, nothing of the sort. I'm merely curious since you've expressed how deep you feel for him in the past, and your biggest deterrent was his relationship with your friend. Or at least, so you've said." I covered my bright pink cheeks with my hands, completely mortified, and shook my head.

"Oh no, I can't, they were - that's still not cool of me - how could I ever begin to tell him - I won't just… _ohmygodJenna_." By this point, she was full on laughing at me, hiding her smirk behind her hand. I peeked at her between my fingers and huffed.

"Can we move on to something else, please? I don't want to talk about this anymore." Jenna forced her laughter to die out and took a deep breath. Her eyes twinkled at me from her spot in the armchair across the coffee table.

"Yes, of course we can. Thank you for letting me know you're uncomfortable. Before we move on, let me just say this: the way you see the world isn't always how the world works. Don't be so quick to assume that everyone sees only your flaws, because that's all you can see in yourself. I'm sure that if you asked Doctor McCoy or Spock they would have any number of your characteristics that they admired." I swallowed thickly, feeling the last of my blush fading off my face and gave her a small nod. Jenna, seemingly satisfied to let the topic lie for now, pushed her glasses gently up her nose and peered at me over the rims.

"Now, would you like to speak about your health?"

I took a moment for my mind to adjust to the sudden change in topic and frowned. I shouldn't be too surprised, I guess, I _had_ been the first one to bring this up. I was quickly regretting it as I remembered the way Bones and I had yelled at each other yesterday. We hadn't spoken since, which hadn't really been _that_ long, but it still left me feeling uncertain where I stood with him.

"Sure, I guess. What do you want to know?"

"Well firstly, how are you feeling? I assume relatively healthy, else you wouldn't have been allowed to leave the hospital, correct?" I snorted derisively.

"I didn't give Bones much of a choice, honestly. I threatened to leave against medical advice if he wouldn't discharge me on his own." Jenna raised her eyes at me.

"That doesn't seem wise when there's a lot about you we can't explain right now. What made you leap to that decision?" I crossed my arms defensively and looked down at her carpet, preparing myself mentally for this discussion.

"I was exhausted in ways I didn't know were possible. After the first try at the sleep study, Bones kept me awake all night. I think he was too scared to let me sleep in case I went into a coma again. It can't have really been a coma, though, because like I said, people don't just _wake up_ from those. Not that I've heard anyway."

Jenna raised a delicate eyebrow at me, but said nothing, listening intently as I continued on.

"He kept doing all these scans and hooking me up to these _machines_. He even gave me an MRI. Do you have any idea how claustrophobic and MRI is? There's like, less than a foot of space between me and this giant _magnet_ making these loud, terrifying clicking noises, and you can't _move_ or even hardly _breathe_ or else you ruin the picture and then it's all ' _Stop moving Piper'_ and ' _I can't see your prefrontal cortex Piper'_ and ' _I'm the devil here to punish you Piper'_ and I just -"

My voice cut off. I was rambling again, my hands waving through the air to help me make my point. I realized I'd been working myself up towards shouting and flushed in embarrassment. I cleared my throat and, at a much more controlled volume, resumed speaking.

"A-anyway, suffice to say there was a very long night of being poked and prodded with no sleep to balance it. And I got fed up and just… done. I was too tired to function anymore, and I knew if I stayed at the hospital, Bones wasn't going to stop with his tests. So I just kind of snapped at him and threatened to leave AMA if he wouldn't let me go. It's not the worst fight we've ever had, but I still feel bad for yelling at him. He had to have been just as tired as I was, and I know he only gets like that because I'm important to him."

Jenna hummed in agreement, her pen flying across the paper. I watched her and wondered, not for the first time, why she used paper instead of a PADD. It seemed so archaic and old-fashioned. Maybe she just found it more satisfying to write out her thoughts with her own hand?

"Well, I am proud of you for realizing your mistake, but you aren't entirely to blame. Yes, it is concerning what seems to be happening to you, but I doubt overworking your body without rest is good for your health. You both made mistakes, and I hope that you can both talk with each other soon and be at peace with yourselves."

"How do you know I haven't talked to him already?" Jenna gave me a pointed stare, and I pouted. "Yeah, okay, I haven't talked to him yet."

Jenna had grace enough not to poke fun at me, but I could see the amusement buried in her eyes.

"Now, as for your coma…" I tensed. "What are you feeling about all of this?"

The answer bubbled up inside of me, and I brought my knees up to rest my chin on them. I wrapped my arms around my legs tightly, wanting to feel small and unnoticeable.

"I'm scared, Jenna. I'm really, really scared." She nodded softly at me.

"Which is completely understandable. It's very frightening to be confronted with a situation like this when no one seems to have a way to fix it."

Silence stretched between us. I wasn't sure where to go from here. Neither of us had the answer. If anyone had the answer, it would be Bones, and he was just as stumped as we were. I worried what this could mean. What if I went to sleep one night and never woke up again? What if I left all of my friends - _my family_ \- behind for an endless sleep I could never escape? What if this meant Khan's blood hadn't really healed me? Was my body rejecting the serum? The transfusions? It was common in people that had cancer, after the radiation and surgeries, to contract more tumors and die. Was this similar to that? If so, it was even worse than that, because there weren't other cases like mine. Bones would have told me if he knew of anything like this happening, would have drawn from previous experiences of people before me for the answers. We were the first to be confronted with a medical marvel like me, and that meant we were grasping blindly in the dark for solutions to problems we couldn't even begin to know were there.

"What if this means I'm dying, Jenna?"

Her eyes filled with sadness and empathy. I could see she was just as troubled as I was, though she was trying to keep a lid on it to do her job. She was trying to be my stability, my rock, as she often was when I was overly emotional. I felt a wave of gratitude for her that she cared so much.

"I think," she began, her voice unsure and hesitant. "I think that it would be wise to wait to speak to your physician before jumping to the worst case scenario. We won't know for sure how to tackle this problem until Doctor McCoy tells you what problem it is you're facing. And, if it happens to be that you are dying, then we will cross that bridge when we come to it."

My bottom lip trembled dangerously and tears spilled over my cheeks. My arms tightened their grip around my legs to hid the tremor I felt running through them.

"I don't want to die again." My voice was quiet and small. I sounded like a scared child, and I hated how weak I felt. I wanted to run from the room, and never stop running.

"It's scary, being faced with our own mortality. But I think it's worse to live your life paralyzed by that fear. I know it feels impossible sometimes to ignore, but if you spend all your time stressing over something you don't know for certain, you'll lose out on really _living_."

I whimpered, tucking my face into my knees and hiding away. She was right. _Again._ I shouldn't sit down and twiddle my thumbs, waiting for the end. To do that would mean I had already died, and I was just biding my time until the air left my lungs. I didn't even really know for sure that was the case, Bones hadn't said one way or the other. Not that he knew right now, but that wasn't really the point.

"I think it would be best for your peace of mind to keep going as if there's nothing wrong until we know more. As long as you feel healthy, there's no reason to cause unnecessary stress over something that you don't know for sure."

I inhaled deeply, letting the air out slowly. I rubbed my cheeks against my knees to remove the moisture and peeked up at her. Jenna was smiling at me encouragingly. I sighed, and finally nodded at the wisdom in her words.

"Okay, I'll try." Her smile brightened.

"That's all I ever ask of you."


	9. Chapter 9

Being half-Vulcan, Spock does not require the same amount of sleep as his human ancestors. He is able to repair his mental functions through nightly meditations, and as such, only needs to sleep once a week. Not as long as 8 hours, just enough to rest his body of the stress in his life. More of what his mother called a nap rather than a traditional night's rest. Granted, he has not been as dutiful in taking these necessary respites, as he found himself consumed with many time consuming tasks throughout his days. Additionally, he found himself vexed with an unnameable anxiety in his stomach that left him tossing fitfully on his sheets whenever he tried.

It is only after many hours of frustration before he finally succumbs to the needs of his body. Spock has been asleep a mere twenty minutes when he receives a hail from Doctor McCoy.

"Commander Spock speaking." Spock does _not_ snap with grogginess in his voice. He is Vulcan, he does not _snap_ at his frustrations, that would be illogical.

"Spock, she's gone." He is not yet at full wakefulness, so felt he could be excused for the mental fog he fought through to make sense of these words.

"I do not follow."

" _Piper,_ Spock. She's gone. She ran away."

Spock is instantly awake. He sits up and throws his legs over the side, quickly gathering his clothes.

"Tell me everything."

"We were going out to a pub, some hole in the wall she suggested right next to her place, and when we got there, _Jesus_ , Spock they fucking _swarmed_ her. I couldn't even see her through the crowd. I tried, but they triggered an anxiety attack and she screamed at them and just _ran away_. I've been to her apartment but she's not there, and she isn't picking up my calls."

Spock could hear the frantic hysteria in McCoy's voice, and felt something similar crashing around inside. There was anger - _he should have been there to protect her_ \- but he let that pass with a calming breath as he pulled on his sweater. He pulled on his slacks next and searched fruitlessly for a clean pair of socks in the dark.

"Did she give any indication as to -"

"If she had I wouldn't have called you, you green-blooded hobgoblin!" Spock swallowed down his angry retort at the insult. He felt a very real irritation at having to deal with the doctor with so little sleep, but swallowed that down as well. He did not see the point in bickering with the panicked man. There was no _time_.

"I will set out in my search for her. Message me if you are successful in your attempts. I shall do the same." Spock did not wait for a response, instead abruptly ending the call before McCoy had a chance to speak. It was rude, and Spock would later have to apologize to the man, but at present, it satisfied his tired annoyance.

Spock debated the best way to search for her as he finally pulled on his socks and sought after his shoes.

Strictly speaking, it was not entirely legal, but he could hack into the GPS of her communications device. It would give the most accurate location. It would take the most amount of time, however. Every other option did not give as reliable a result, and ultimately, Spock decided that laws paled in comparison to the fact that she could be _alone_ and _need him_.

Still, he set his comm to hail hers as he sat down at his computer and began working. Piper, of course, did not answer him. Even though he had hoped otherwise, he was not surprised after hearing how she ignored Doctor McCoy as well.

It took him precisely fifty-eight minutes to complete the hack, and three minutes to dismiss the guilt for breaking the law. The only negative emotion he felt on the matter was a faint anger that he had no bond with which to find her. This would not have taken nearly so long if they were simply _bonded_ as they _should be._ Spock shook his head to clear the errant thought. He would deal with that later.

Besides, it was only a minor law, really. Hardly the worst crime ever committed.

Spock grew frustrated with himself when he realized he was both stalling and rationalizing his poor judgement. He focused on the screen and the pinging light indicating Piper's present position. He was relieved to see it was remaining in place, indicating she had ceased her flight, likely meaning her anxiety had calmed. This was good news, it would make it easier to convince her to return home with him. Then, Spock took stock of where her light actually was and froze.

Point Bonita Lighthouse. His eyebrows raised in shock. That was quite a distance. What was she doing that far away? He frowned. Spock linked his communicator to his computer to track her in case she left and grabbed his keys.

He did not bother to lock his apartment as he gathered a jacket and left.

It did not take long for him to pull into a parking space at the park north of the bay, though it felt like an eternity. He followed the path from his car to the lighthouse with sure, even steps, his eyes picking out the beauty of nature surrounding him. He could hear the soft roar of crashing waves off in the distance. He could even see the occasional glow of light that he assumed came from the lighthouse proper. The biting chill of the air nipped at his skin, forcing him to shove his hands deep into the pockets of his jacket. The tip of his nose tingled with the numbness that only came with the cold. He would have to brew a particularly hot cup of tea later to amend this change to his body temperature.

It was a matter of minutes to spot her. She was seated on top of a small boulder, arms wrapped around her knees, staring off into the distance though he doubted she could discern any detail. She looked pale in the starlight, her expression vacant and thoughtful. He found himself arrested momentarily in his movement towards her, captivated by her beauty in the soft glow of the universe. With her long ponytail whipping about her in the wind and her pale shoulders exposed to the elements, he could not help the comparison between her and a lonely goddess.

Spock wished, not for the first time, that he was privy to the thoughts running through her mind as he keenly watched them fly across her face. Not only would it make his job easier, but he had the suspicion he would find her thought processes rather intriguing and indulgent.

 _Soon_.

Spock had no intention of sneaking up on her, and did nothing to mask his presence from her. So deep in thought was she that he went unnoticed until he crested the top of the boulder next to her. She jumped in fright and made a small squawking noise of surprise, and for a moment Spock was horrified with the thought she would fall off the other side of the boulder before he could catch her. However, Piper came to her senses in time and settled safely once again on top of the boulder. Hoisting himself up all the way, Spock sat next to her, silently.

He looked out over the ocean, trying to ignore the nervous energy that he could sense coming off her. It saddened him that she was not as comforted by his presence as he felt in hers. Then he noticed the faint shiver that ran through her body at a particularly strong gust of wind. Spock was pulling his jacket off, ignoring the sharp bite from the sea, and wrapping her securely in his jacket before he expressly gave the idea his permission. It was inordinately pleasing to see her in his clothing. She once again jumped in surprise at the gesture, and Spock was felt smug to see her cheeks flush a deep pink.

He vowed then to keep the fact that he could see her blush in the dark to himself. It was too much a treasure to share with anyone, even Piper. He assumed she was comforted by the feeling he had trouble seeing her emotions, and as such had left herself unguarded and completely exposed to him.

The feeling of being able to watch every thought flit across her face left a heady sensation deep in his stomach.

"You are a long way from home," Spock finally offered, his voice thoughtful. He felt it only fair to reward her for her openness with a similar candidness from him. Piper looked taken aback at his tone, and he watched from the corner of his eyes as she examined his profile without reservation.

"Where are we?" Spock felt a soft tingle across his scalp at the softness in her voice. He watched a particularly large wave reach up towards the sky before folding in on itself and falling back to the ocean with a large crashing noise. He took a deep breath of the damp air around him, letting the chill settle his turbulent emotions back down.

"Point Bonita." Spock looked down at the rock between them, his attention on the way Piper made a soft noise of surprise, and how he could still hear it clearly, despite the noise of the sea next to them.

"You're kidding," she said, her voice flat in disbelief. Spock turned to face her slightly, examining the brightness of the lighthouse behind her shoulder, and shook his head.

"Well… shit. How did I get all the way up here?"

"I was hoping you would have the answer to that question, Captain." She shrugged, a mischievous grin pulling at her lips in a most distracting way.

"I went for a run."

It took Spock's mind a moment to process what she said, so focused was he on the way a tendril of her hair that kept gently caressing her neck. When her words sunk into his mind, he blinked at the absurdity.

"A run?" He did not hide his own disbelief from her. Piper bit her lip against the widening of her mouth, her eyes twinkling. Spock's full attention was on the plump, pink lip caught between her teeth. His fingers inched ever so slowly towards where her hand rested against the rock, supporting her weight. He would not brush against her fingers, was not sure she was aware of the implications of such a gesture. Spock did not want to take advantage of her or press for things she was not yet willing to give. But if he could get close enough just to feel the _heat_ of her, it would be enough.

It would have to be enough.

_When had he become so weak?_

"Yeah. I was going out with Bones for a drink or two, but when we got to the pub it… didn't go so well." Spock scooted himself slightly closer to her while she was distracted by her melancholy. His hand crept forward.

"Yes, Doctor McCoy called me after his attempts to locate you failed. He requested my assistance." Piper made a dissatisfied noise and picked at her sweater under her with one hand. Not, Spock was pleased to notice, the hand he was aiming for. A moment later her nose wrinkled with confusion.

 _Adorable_. There was still no other word to use.

"Wait, if I'm at Point Bonita, which is pretty much the middle of a forest, how did you find me?"

Spock was silent for several minutes. He remembered the anger he'd experienced earlier at having to use her communicator to find her, instead of the bond they should be sharing as t'hy'la. It would be so easy to convince her. She was already half-convinced with the feelings she harbored in secret for him. So easy…

But no. _No_. Spock let out a soft breath, lost to the noise of the beach, and finally turned to face her completely. He felt her still next to him under his scrutiny.

"I had several methods from which to choose. The easiest and simplest method was using your communicator's global positioning software." Piper hummed softly in thought, and Spock inched his fingers ever closer. He would not kiss her, not in that way, not until she was his. But he felt justified for the one moment of weakness. It had been so long since he'd seen her in person, and Spock had felt lobotomized with her absence. Seeing her once again was like that first breath when one crested the waterline after being submerged for too long.

"Well… glad I'm not lost, then." Spock nodded absently, tilting his head as he examined the way her normally bright blue eyes were as dark in color as the ocean next to him. It was captivating.

"I would find you, if you were," he promised. Spock could hear more emotion in his voice than he meant to let slip, but when Piper's breath caught in her throat and she subconsciously tightened her grip on _his_ jacket, he decided it might not have been much of a mistake. Spock brought his hand ever closer to hers, almost touching her skin now. It made the extra nerves in his fingertips tingle deliciously. Piper's face flushed a deep crimson color that filled Spock with an arrogant and intrinsically male sense of pride.

"Don't be so sure about that, buddy. I'm pretty good at hiding when I don't want to be found."

Her voice was breathy and trembled and it did absolutely nothing good for Spock's strength of will. It was becoming increasingly difficult to remember why he must keep his distance. Thoughts of brushing his fingers across her cheek, ghosting over her psi-points made his breath stutter.

"Not from me, Piper." Spock marveled that his voice was rough and deeper than normal. He could see the effect it had on Piper, and if she kept looking at him in _that way_ he was going to kiss her, consequences be damned. Spock was strong, but _no one_ was that strong.

Piper blinked and dropped her eyes, and Spock took the chance to lean in close to her in secret. She had finally noticed his hand resting next to hers, just _barely_ touching skin, sharing heat. Teasing them both with the promise of each other more than anything. Spock could see her muscles tense and trembling from more than the cold. If he concentrated hard enough, he could _just_ sense the emotions running wild within her. All of the confusion, the wonder, remnants of her anxiety, the lust. Each one burning bright with a different warmth, all of them distinctly her.

Piper snapped her head back up to him, her eyes full of her uncertainty and hope. She blinked in surprise to find his face hovering above hers

"I will always find you, t'hy'la, even when you are lost to yourself," Spock whispered. He felt a sadness for her at the tears that welled in her eyes at his promise. Echoes of her pain shone up at him, and it hurt. It hurt to have her so close, crying out for his comfort, and yet be unable to care for her in the ways he needed. She needed it of him as well, of that Spock was sure. She had to be feeling their broken bond just as keenly as he did, though likely she was not consciously aware of the cause.

He could read it all plainly, this close to her now. Spock found himself utterly hypnotized by her. All her pain, all her love for him, her desire. He could see _everything_. Her barriers against him were completely shredded, and Spock was positively unwilling to lose that sparkle in her eyes that he knew was shining just for him. She was considering kissing him, he could tell. Her eyes kept flicking to his lips. She wet her dry lips with a peek of her tongue, and Spock almost _growled_ at the sight.

It would be _so easy_ to give in. No one could even blame him given the circumstances, he could indulge this once guilt free. He just had to lean down a few scant centimeters, her face was so close now. He could see the stars reflected in her eyes, and he knew he would never forget the sight for the rest of his life.

_So easy…_

Spock let out a sigh of frustration and regrettably pulled himself away from her warmth, shivering against the bitter chill. Something indescribable inside him immediately called out for her longingly. Piper blinked slowly, her expression dazed, and Spock appreciated the sight for what it was. But a moment later the spell broke, and she snatched her hand away as if she burned. Spock felt his heart drop at the look of horror on her face. He could guess at where her thoughts traveled, but this was neither the time or place for such a discussion. He found great frustration that it never felt like the right place or time.

" _You make it the right time, and you tell her."_ Nyota's voice ran through his mind, unbidden, the memory lashing a cold sadness through his veins that eventually settled into a feeling of discontent. Spock distracted his thought process with the task of safely climbing off the slippery rock and turning to offer Piper his assistance. The look in Piper's eyes as she stared at his hand complicated his respiratory functions. His mouth ran dry. He found he _dearly_ hoped she would reach out and grasp his fingers, that he might be privy to her feelings. The desire to experience the world as she did, to feel her emotions with her, was an entirely new sensation he could not recall feeling before now.

Piper stunned him when she, instead, stood up to her full height and _jumped_ off the boulder.

Spock blinked, as he followed her trajectory and correctly predicted the way her ankle would roll moments before it happened. He would never dream of finding amusement in her suffering, but the noise she made as her face buried in the sand wrenched a chuckle from his throat without his consent.

"That was not wise, Captain. You seem to have unnecessarily caused yourself injury. Doctor McCoy will not be pleased to learn this." Piper's head snapped up and she fixed him with a crazed look, her blue eyes wide, sand clinging to her face. It was very amusing.

"Nonono, see, he will never _know_ because you're not going to _tell_ him. You are _never_ going to tell _anyone_." Spock fixed her with a look of his own that sufficiently quieted her protestations. It left him the peace to examine her ankle. He could already see the swelling. It was very likely she'd sprained it, and would be unable to make the walk up to his car. He would have to carry her. The idea gave him an excited thrill.

"Are you able to stand?" Piper scrutinized her own ankle as she attempted to settle it under her. The hiss of pain as she began to move it answered the question for him. It was decided, then.

Spock reached to cradle her body with deft arms and stood, pulling Piper with him. She squeaked loudly in surprise. He found he greatly enjoyed the noise. He endeavored to find every situation which would cause her to repeat it in the future.

Piper made a vain attempt to crawl out of his arms, and Spock pulled her ever tighter to his chest, greatly displeased with the idea of her succeeding in her efforts. She stilled, and he felt her embarrassment like a bright cloud in his mind. Silently, he turned toward the line of trees and began the short trek toward his car. Eventually, Piper settled against him, grumbling unhappily under her breath, but the flashes of desire and satisfaction gave away her deceit.

Spock's lips twitched in a smile as he felt her reprimand herself for something, and her thoughts quieted, apprehensive.

"Captain, cease your efforts, I will not release you. You will simply attempt to walk back with me on your injured foot, exacerbating the sprain I believe you have." Piper wisely did not refute his assessment of her character. She let out a few more choice quiet protests in response that Spock chose to ignore. He carefully walked up the path, taking note of any obstructions that could potentially compromise his balance, as he felt her slowly go limp in his arms. He could sense the exhaustion clouding her mind, and Spock could not help the feeling of flattery that she trusted him enough to sleep in his presence. To leave her safety up to him while she was at her most vulnerable.

It was a wise decision, Spock would _never_ let anything happen to her again. She was more important to him than his own life. She _was_ his life, for his had no purpose without her.

Granted, Piper was unaware of her own significance, so this made her show of trust in him all the more… treasured.

It was with great tenderness that he tucked her into the passenger seat and buckled her in. She fussed for a moment, seeming to blindly reach for something, and Spock finally allowed himself to smile as he settled his jacket around her once more. He watched her, enraptured, as she buried herself in the fabric, and took a deep breath from the cloth before sighing in contentment and finally slipping off to sleep.

Spock could resist the urge no longer.

He lifted a trembling hand and brushed a blonde curl away from her face, tucking the hair behind the curl of her ear. His fingers prickled with sensation where they touched her skin. He felt flashes of her emotions, muted as they were, and selfishly pampered his _katra_ with the feeling of her in his mind. Spock let out a small, shaky breath, and bent down to brush his lips across her cheek.

Piper made a soft hum of contentment, her face turning into the sensation. It made something within him _lurch_ out towards her. It was a great test of strength for Spock to leave her side and settle in to drive the car back to safety.

* * *

Time, as a relative concept, passed rather quickly for Spock. He buried himself in the endless amounts of work at the university, left behind by his now deceased friends and comrades. More names of those lost to the merciless grasp of death, joining the millions of Vulcans that had perished on his home planet. It was easy to lose track of time sequestered in his office, grading papers, finishing lesson plans, delegating students to overworked professors, agreeing to take on even more classes despite the fact he had no time. He never had the time.

Perhaps that was why it took so long for Spock to notice that Piper was not as responsive to him as of late. He wouldn't go so far as to say that she was evading him, and her manner did not suggest she was feeling hostile. She was merely… absent. Slow to respond to his messages, her responses short and to the point.

It confounded him. There was nothing in his recent memory that indicated some fault on his part to cause such a change in her demeanor. Spock could not understand this sudden and drastic change. He did not pursue any line of questioning, however. As much as it pained him to admit, he simply did not have the time for her at present, and it might even be helpful to her to distance from him while she sought out therapy. She could examine her emotions with a clear head, free of his influence. Much as it might heal the immediate damage to her psyche to restore their bond, Spock knew that in the long run, it was better to wait.

A fact he must constantly remind himself of.

The temptation was great, to say the least.

It crept up on him at the most inopportune moments in his day. In the middle of lectures, when conferring with his fellow professors, even during his nightly meditations.

These he found to be the most potent compulsions.

All too often Spock would slip into his meditation with the ease that only came from extensive practice, his mind clearing of all thought. He would float in this state of consciousness where he felt nothing and everything at once, with the separation he needed to examine all of the day's emotions and lay them to rest. He would be in the middle of such an inspection when the feeling would sneak up on him. Maybe it was in the blue pair of eyes he'd noticed earlier in the day, or the curls of blonde hair. Something in a memory always sparked the image of _her_ , and then, quite without him realizing the transition, she was all he could think about.

Distant memories of the past would swell within him. Conversations shared on the bridge where he would make note of a new attempt at a different hairstyle and her cheeks would flush a light pink. Secret, hidden smiles she thought he never saw as she stared at him from across the table in the mess hall. The way her voice was all at once soft and teasing as she beat him in a game of chess. The surprised pleasure he felt whenever he lost. Every single instance she had laughed in his presence, whether he was the cause or not.

He swam through it until he was _drowning_ in her.

Spock always came out of these meditations with his hands fisted in his robes, his muscles tensed and trembling. There was a tangible _need_ he could feel in the back of his mind and low in his belly. A need he had never felt before. The desire to wholly and completely _possess_ another being. To paint his name across her skin in every language he knew with his tongue. To catalog every freckle on her body with his lips, to count them with his teeth. He wanted to feel the way every curve of her body pressed into his, and hear the precise way her voice broke when she was overwhelmed by pleasure. Pleasure only Spock could give her.

He had never in his life wanted anything so badly.

On nights such as these, Spock found attempting to complete his meditation utterly pointless, and instead resigned himself to a night of sexual frustration.

It was so difficult to hold his resolve to give her time during these nights. When he felt the loss of her keenly, and feared for having his soul outside of his body, walking around unguarded. Unsafe. Vulnerable _. Alone._ Primal instincts desired to take over his cognitive function, and he felt constantly at war with himself. It was making his shields weaker, more susceptible to penetration. Several times throughout his day, Spock would find himself caught off guard by errant emotions felt so strongly, the projection momentarily overwhelmed his mind. A student walking down the halls, lost in some memory, and Spock could feel their grief and loss as if it was his own. An overworked, overtired professor asked one too many questions on too little sleep, controlled by irritation and snapping out a rude answer. It was all Spock could do not to emulate these feelings in his own teachings.

It was all wearing Spock very, very thin.

His father Sarek, was quick to notice over their weekly scheduled video call. In fact, as soon as the image cleared, an almost imperceptible frown pulled the corners of Sarek's lips down, and Spock was filled with very adolescent feelings of guilt. As if he had been caught doing something wrong, and was awaiting his punishment.

"Spock, you are unwell." Spock chose not to answer, as there had been no question asked.

"What is it that ails you so?"

Blast.

"Any number of stresses I encounter throughout the day could be having an adverse effect on my well-being, father."

"Do not try deflection with me, Spock, I have no patience for it in this matter." Spock thinned his lips at the clear disapproval in his father's tone. He sat there, pinned by a pair of familiar brown eyes, hopelessly wishing his mother were alive to mediate between the two. She always had a way of making conversations feel less… severe. Spock allowed himself to indulge in the sense of loss at the memory of her.

"I am not quite sure how to explain this in an adequate manner," Spock finally admitted. Sarek watched him evenly, gently lifting one eyebrow.

"I find stating the facts to be helpful when I have difficulty explaining things." Spock wanted to scoff. It wasn't that he was going to have difficulty explaining this. There was just too much to explain. There was so much Spock was _feeling_ about all of this, and so many echoes of emotions from those around him, he felt like he was suffocated by everything. How could he possibly pick one single fact to begin with? There were so many.

As always, Piper fought her way to the forefront of his mind. Spock felt his expression soften.

"I have… I have found my t'hy'la."

There was a very pregnant silence in which Spock fought off the urge to squirm. He did not look up to see the expression on his father's face. Now that he had started speaking, he could not stop, and if he saw what his father was hiding behind his eyes he would lose his nerve.

"I only found out she was t'hy'la when she died, and our fledgling bond I had been unaware of until then broke. My t'hy'la is not Nyota."

Still nothing. Spock felt a flash of trepidation, but he pressed on.

"It is Captain Piper Kirk. She was able to be revived, as you are aware, but I am confident she has no knowledge of the bond we shared, or her significance to me. She appears to be deeply traumatized by her death, and I have been giving her space to come to terms with the event. However I find myself… struggling with this decision. I know it to be the more compassionate choice, and I deeply desire to take care of her, but the urge to…"

Spock could not finish, and he could not stop the green flush in his cheeks. He may be an adult, and Vulcan after the fact, but there was something distinctly uncomfortable about discussing his more intimate urges with his father. Blessedly, Sarek kept his silence, giving Spock the confidence to continue.

"It overcomes me at the most inopportune times, and has been straining my mental shields. I find being in the presence of others to be taxing, and my meditations are… inadequate to repair the damage left by -"

"Spock." His father's voice silenced him immediately. Spock resisted the urge to fold in on himself, and appear small and unobtrusive. He knew he had no reason to feel ashamed of his confession. All his failings could be linked to the stress of his broken bond, he knew this, and so was excused the common ridicule that came with his lack of composure. However, Spock still felt uncertain admitting to any form of defeat in front of his father, despite how improved their relationship had become. It was a sad thing that it took the death of Amanda to heal the relationship between the two men. Yet another happiness she could never share in. Another sadness Spock tucked deeply away in his mind.

"You must at once make an appointment with a mind healer, any broken bond is harmful to you. One broken in such circumstances, and a t'hy'la bond no less, is especially toxic. You must seek help to repair the damage. By your own admission, you are not coping."

Spock tensed his hands for a moment before relaxing the muscles and finally looking up at his father. Sarek was still impassive, but if Spock looked at the wrinkles forming around his eyes, and the darkness that shrouded his gaze, it was obvious just how worried his father was. Spock felt a warm appreciation for the man, but stamped it down. His father would not appreciate such an open display of affection.

"This is logical advice, father. I am troubled I did not think of it before now."

"It is difficult to think logically in circumstances such as these." Spock inclined his head at the truth of these words.

"I shall schedule an appointment in the morning." Spock caught the flash of relief in his father's eyes.

* * *

_Spock was deep in the recesses of his mind. He was not alone, and this fact unsettled him. He was not accustomed to the sensation of another presence occupying his space, and it felt like an invasion of privacy of the highest order. Despite that he had permitted this intrusion, it was not wanted, and he struggled against the urge to cast them out._

" _Calm your mind, son of Sarek."_

_Spock quelled the indignation at the obvious rebuke and drew deeply on the teachings of Surak. He focused on the warmth all around him, brought it close like a shield and strengthened his resolve. There was a hum of approval._

" _Acceptable. Now, show me this wound you spoke of."_

_He hesitated. Spock felt greatly disturbed at this demand, did not want to expose himself in such a way. There was no bond left, nothing for him to protect, only a gaping hole where once there had been light. It was his greatest humiliation. That he should have allowed his t'hy'la to die was bordering on sacrilege, and he had no desire to bear this to judgement._

_Still, he had promised his father to seek help._

_Reluctantly, Spock found the emptiness. He was overcome by grief and loss as fresh as the day Piper died, as he always was when he traveled here. He was comforted by the knowledge that she was alive, but he still felt the absence of her keenly. It was an acute pain that cut at his soul like a knife. He had no hope of burying these emotions, and so did not bother trying. The healer would have sensed it immediately, so great was its grasp._

" _Fascinating. I have never encountered anguish such as this."_

_Spock bristled._

" _Is there anything to be done?" He felt a distant flash of surprise at his hostile tone, but it dissipated quickly._

" _I cannot remove the trauma. To do so, you must seek out your bondmate and restore what was lost. However, I am able to build a wall with you to contain it and prevent infection."_

_Spock considered this. The benefits did not escape him, but the idea of cutting himself off from this went against every instinct he had. It felt like he was cutting off the very essence of Piper herself. Which, he realized, was ludicrous as she no longer had a presence here. There was no Piper within his soul any longer, and this itself was the problem. This was the root cause of his distress, his incapability to live his life with some sense of normalcy. This was his disgrace. It was unacceptable that he would continue in such a way._

" _Very well. You may proceed."_

_Spock lent what strength he had to the healer as the work began. He focused on his resolve, his determination to no longer be crippled by this emptiness within him, and reinforced the walls being created. With every moment that passed, they grew, swelling into a hard shell around the blight in his soul until with a final pop of energy it sealed shut._

_Instantly Spock's mind settled into a calmness he had been unable to achieve thus far. He felt more like himself. And yet, less so, as the lack of Piper was now even more profound. However, Spock found he could entertain this thought without it debilitating him as before, and for that he was immensely grateful._

" _This is not a permanent solution, son of Sarek. The barrier must be maintained through diligent meditation until such a time as you can once again form the bond. This will merely buy you time."_

_This was disconcerting, but not wholly unexpected._

" _How much time?" Spock felt the entity contemplate the answer briefly._

" _Approximately five months, though you may possibly extend it further if your meditations are successful. No longer than seven. After that, the only hope you have at repairing your mind is left to the capabilities of your bondmate."_

_Five months. Maybe seven. It was not enough time, not nearly enough, Spock did not think Piper ready by then. Though it would seem the matter was out of his hands. He would simply have to assist her in any way at his disposal to expedite the process. It would be difficult, and take a form of subtlety Spock was unused to displaying, but he felt marginally confident. If only because he had witnessed the ease with which his mother had navigated his father's terse demeanor. He had studied their interactions religiously, looking for some sign of real affection from his father, hoping their union was based on more than the cold simplicity of choice._

_He had little choice but to make an effort, regardless of how competent he felt._

" _Understood. I thank you for your assistance in this matter." Spock felt acceptance of his gratitude before the being was gone, and he was left once again alone in the confines of his mind. He released the tight grip on his emotions with a breath of relief, even more at peace now that there was no longer an intrusion. Spock relished the feeling for a moment before he too withdrew from his mind and -_

\- opened his eyes. He was seated on a soft cushion, the tang of incense tickling his nose. Seated in front of him was an elderly Vulcan woman, adorned in simple robes of dark brown cloth. Her graying hair was swept out of her face, intricate braids tied up in a tight bun on the crown of her head. Her dark eyes met his, guarded and impassive. Spock bowed his head slightly in a show of respect. She mirrored his actions, and rose from her cushion. She turned towards the incense, dismissing him.

Spock rose and exited the room with no further exchange. There was no need, their business concluded. He walked briskly through the hall, towards the waiting area and the elevators beyond. He pondered the workload of essays waiting for him at home, and calculated the amount of time he would need to devote in review of them. He would be finished within four hours of diligence, and so considered his options for dinner as he pressed the button to call the lift.

He was debating the merits of a large salad or bowl of plomeek soup when the lift stopped on another floor. It was only the distraction of nobody joining him on the lift, despite the doors opening, that caused his concentration to break. When he looked up, Piper was standing in front of him, looking very much as if she were about to run away. Spock felt a flash of surprise, but quashed it underneath the ocean of tranquility within him.

"Captain," he said easily. "I was not expecting to see you here."

"Y-yeah." He could not help his amusement when her voice cracked, nor the appreciation for the pink coloring her cheeks. She hastily stepped on the lift with him moments before the doors shut. He cataloged the distress she held in her body, regarding her attempts to inch away from him.

That was puzzling.

"I wasn't, uh, expecting to see you either. What are you doing here?"

Spock paused. How is it she always seemed to catch him off guard? It was distressing how quickly she unknowingly cut right to an uncomfortable topic, unaware of the position this put him in.

"I am here at the behest of my father," he finally answered, observing the extra inch of space she put between them.

"Oh? Why's that?" her voice was breathy and tense, and it tingled at the back of his senses, sparking a desire to wrap his arms around her curves and _pull_ her into his side where she _belonged_.

Spock ripped his eyes away from her and clasped his hands tightly behind his back, _slamming_ strength into the newfound barrier.

"He felt I would benefit from meeting with a Vulcan mind healer."

Piper's head immediately whipped from her own examination of the lift doors and zeroed in on him. Spock felt the urge to shift his weight under her undivided attention, and inhaled deeply against the feeling. He would not fail in this, not mere moments after his healing session. He was _better_ than this.

The thought gave him strength.

"Spock, what's wrong?" Piper asked, her tone no longer anxious, but sharp and commanding. It reminded him of being on the bridge with her, commending the way she juggled multiple tasks simultaneously. He found himself lost in his admiration of her.

"Why do you need a mind healer? Did something happen?"

Spock dropped his eyes to the floor as he felt something trying to push out at him from the barrier. He panicked, his hands tightening into fists. He despaired at the thought that the walls would crumble so easily, merely by being in her presence. He began reciting the digits of pi for a distraction, his eyes finding every imperfection in his shoes to be cleaned later with polish. It took more time than he cared to admit before the feelings quieted, and he was capable of speech.

Objectively, Spock marveled once again at the strength of a connection t'hy'la pairs shared. There was no bond left in his mind, no traces of her left to tantalize his thoughts, and yet there were echoes too maddening to ignore. That even an abyss such as that would still entrench the need for her was something to be marveled at.

With an internal jolt, Spock realized he had been silent far too long. He took a deep sigh and consciously relaxed all of his muscles. He peered over at her from the corner of his eyes, and noted the signs of disquiet in the set of her lips.

"Yes, Piper, something happened."

_You died._

The thought hit him unbidden, and it took every ounce of concentration to keep himself from flinching. This would not stand to reason. He could not simply allow all this effort rendered useless.

Piper made a soft noise to show her upset and took tentative steps towards him. Spock's eyes flicked down to her hand as it twitched, and he wondered if she felt the urge to touch him as well. He wondered if it burned within her as hot as he. He wondered what the skin of her fingers would feel like trailing over her, the soft caress of her mind against his with the action.

 _Soon_ , he soothed himself.

"I am, however, capable of dealing with the consequences and am not suffering any permanent damage." Spock's eyes trailed back up to her face just in time to catch the image of her white teeth biting into her lips and burn it forever in his memory. He took a deep, deep breath, his nostrils flaring. Piper released her plump flesh and a furious blush erupted across her cheeks. He wondered shamefully how much of his desire had been obvious on his face.

Piper tore her eyes away from him and took a large step away from him. He mourned the distance, but appreciated it for the resolve it gave him to slip once again as a drop in an ocean of peace.

"Well, as long as you're okay. I hope the mind healers are helping you. What happened?"

Spock realized he was staring and so looked forward once again. Her persistence, while not uncharacteristic, was troubling. He knew she was not one to let her curiosity go unanswered, especially when it concerned someone she held dear. It did not make his job easier, however, and he found himself continually perplexed in finding ways to answer her honestly while revealing nothing.

"The matter has already resolved itself, and is of no concern." While not untrue, it was not entirely honest, and was the closest thing to a lie Spock had ever told her. Still, it was not the time nor the place for such a discussion, and he resolved himself to the lesser of two evils.

Spock was grateful for the silence that stretched between them. It afforded him the solace he needed to scrape together the remnants of his composure. He once again regarded the consideration of his dinner later that evening, so as not to focus on the way her breathing synchronized with his. He began mapping the lesson plan he had been avoiding, instead of the faint smell of sweat lingering on her skin.

By the time the lift finished its descent, his mind was quiet. The doors opened silently, and Piper bolted from the lift, throwing back a half-hearted farewell, sounding curt. He paused. Spock wondered if he had upset her in some way. The thought was troublesome, but he dismissed the idea of following her to find out.

He had allocated four hours of grading, and he would need to return home at once if he desired to finish his task at a reasonable time. This would allocate him a small break to eat the salad he chose for dinner, and then move on to finish the rest of the term's lesson plans.

Resolved, Spock stepped off the lift and moved smoothly towards the exit. He did not look in on the cafeteria as he passed it by, despite the flash of blonde hair that peeked at him to catch his attention.

_Very soon._


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not super happy with this chapter, and it's shorter than normal, but I could not get this to come out any better. I hope you guys like it regardless! Thank you, as always. Enjoy!

_When I came to awareness this time, it was not with a sense of peace, but a burning rage. Every time I came here it was filled with nothing but cruel riddles and confusion. I was so tired of getting the runaround. Q had told me exactly nothing about himself, what this place was, or what was happening to me, and I had the distinct feeling he knew the answer to all of the questions that plagued me even when I was awake. If I was a wiser person, I might have blanched at the idea of confronting a seemingly omniscient, omnipotent, ethereal being without the means to back it up. As it stood, however, I was metaphorically foaming at the mouth._

_Bones had said the last time I came here, my body had slipped into another coma. Now, excuse my lack of medical degree, but I doubt that just being in a coma with a flick of a switch was healthy. Or rational. Or even possible._

_And yet here I was._

_It made my fear overpower whatever feelings of peace and belonging drifting around in this place gave me. And when I got scared, I got angry._

_**Q, if you don't explain what the fuck is happening to me, I will find you and I will**_ **end** _**you.**_

_There was a booming, boisterous laugh, sounding both bitter and mocking._

" _And how, pray tell, will you accomplish that task, mein kleiner Vogel? You have nothing but a name, and you can't even be sure it is the_ right _name, can you?"_

_It stung to admit to myself that he was right. My anger swelled, exploding around me and making the moon below shake._

_**Many have underestimated me, Q. It never works out well for them.** _

_He made a soft humming noise._

" _You say this as if I'll feel threatened." There was a soft feeling against my… whatever my back was now, startling me. It felt like someone was brushing their fingers against my neck, only there were no fingers, and I had no neck. All the same, it made a sliver of fear ignite inside of me that I had difficulty containing._

" _Do not mistake my jovial manner for one who would be cowed by an insect as small as yourself, darling Piper. I have a fondness for you, it's true, but you are nothing more than a speck of dust on the bottom of my shoe."_

_His tone was one I hadn't heard yet. It was cold, like a glacier learning to speak. It spoke to me, with all the power of the universe he'd held that very first time, when it seemed as if all of the voices of existence were shouting at me. I felt properly cowed._

_Perhaps intimidation was not the way to go._

_**Please…** _ _I begged him quietly._ _**Please, I'm sorry, I'm just so scared. I don't know what's happening to me, and you're the only one here that I can ask, that might have the answers.** _

_Q sighed, sounding very tired._

" _I already said what's wrong with you, Piper. It's not my fault that you never listen."_

_**You told me it was in my soul, but I don't know what that means. How can my soul be sick? I'm in therapy, and I'm working on being at peace with myself, is that it?** _

_The sensation of fingers left me, and I was left to drift alone for a time, a soft ball of formless light floating past the moons of Jupiter. I hardly noticed as I slipped past the secret base Khan had given the coordinates to._

" _No, dear heart, nothing so pedestrian as that. You're more inclined towards the dramatic gestures, like me. Perhaps that's why I find you so amusing…"_

_I wasn't even sure if he was talking to me anymore, if I was meant to hear this, but I was too scared that speaking up would make him stop._

_"You know, Picard never treats me this way."_

_My light dimmed with confusion. Who was Picard?_

" _Fine. If you really must know, your soul has lost its tether."_

_Wait. What?_

_**Tether?** _

" _Yes, tether. Rope, harness, binding, leash, connection… your bond, so to say. What holds your soul within your body is gone. And, with nothing to keep it contained, your soul tends to drift. Ever the free spirit, you are."_

_I was speechless. Well and truly without the capability to express my thoughts in words, for maybe the first time in my life. It was a novel feeling, and not one that I was sure I enjoyed._

_Q said nothing more as he allowed me to float between stars, the heat of them burning away my shock. Terror was left behind, and I felt myself quiver at the force of it._

_**So… why do I keep going back then? And what's to keep this from being a permanent thing? Am… am I dying?** _

_Q clucked his tongue a couple of times, and I felt a… presence… wrap around me. I struggled to feel past my own emotions, but it almost seemed like…_

_Was he… was he hugging me?_

" _Oh, my little gumdrop, such a worrywart. Khan is what is keeping you tied to your body. For now that is. His genetics healed the damage done to you by the radiation and established a connection between you and your mortal flesh before you spent too much time here. However, it is not natural, and your soul is… rebelling, so to say."_

 _ **Yeah, that sounds like me,**_ _I grumbled. I felt Q's amusement cut through my fear and grabbed it like a lifeline. It helped me remember how to exist outside of my emotions, how to float along in an endless sea of peace while I was in this place. I used the crack in my panic to fill myself with that same calm I always felt when I appeared here._

_It wasn't perfect, but it would do._

" _Indeed. You're quite obstinate, you know. All of this would be sorted out by now if you simply remade your bond."_

_**What bond?** _

" _Your bond. Your soul bond. The one you made with your dashing love."_

_**I'm… not bonded.** _

_There was a beat of silence._

" _Ah. I seem to have confused your timeline a bit. You're all such linear creatures, it's very archaic and difficult for me to keep track of."_

_Forget inner peace, I was obviously insane. That was the only reason this kept happening._

" _No matter. The previous energy your soul used to tether to your body was given to you from birth, as it is with all earthly creatures. When you died, that energy was returned to the universe, drifting away into millions of atoms to move on to their next creation. Seeing as what you had before was already gone by the time you returned to your body, the only thing keeping you there is the blood of Khan running through your veins. Once every cell of his has been replaced, there will be nothing left, and you will die."_

_At this, my light dimmed so much that it almost snuffed out. Q made a soothing noise, but it only made me whimper and try to curl in on myself even more, formless thing that I was._

" _There, there, my little starlight. If you can find something else to keep you tied to your body before this happens, then this point is moot and you shall live out the rest of your merry days as a member of Starfleet, as was intended for you since the beginning of time."_

_**I… I don't even… you said it's a soul bond? What does that even mean? How is that different from what I had since birth?** _

_There was a moment where Q was silent, his essence pulling away from mine, before I felt a large wave of confusion coming from him._

" _Dear me, do you… do you really not know?"_

 _My reflexive retort caught in my throat - or what passed as my throat - as flashes of a dream sprung up from my memory. A picture of me, digging my toes into the warm sand while Spock let himself fret over me burning in the sun. He called me t'hy'la. My mind jumped then to that night on the beach, where Spock had called me t'hy'la in real life. What was that word? I_ knew _that word - could_ not _know that word, and yet I did._

_Dread grew inside of me in the form of denial as more and more memories flooded through me._

_Burning gazes from a pair of molten brown eyes. Almost touches that ghosted again my skin, more of a tease with a hint of promise. Raw, hoarse emotion hidden in the baritone of his voice as his tongue teased at my name, his lips wrapping around the word as if he could use that to pull me so deep into his soul that I could never hope to escape. That I would never want to escape._

… _ **Oh.**_

* * *

"-per. _Piper._ You must awaken at once."

I blinked heavily and made a very disgruntled noise of protest. Blearily, I shoved the warm skin off my shoulder, and heard a sharp intake of breath as I grazed fingers. It was let out soon after as a great sigh of relief.

"G'way. S'too e'rly." I tried to make my voice sound sharp and commanding, but seeing as I lost the majority of the vowels to exhaustion and the fabric from my pillow, it came out sounding decidedly less so.

Maybe this vile person would let me drift off to sleep again, and I could return to my dream. It was such a lovely dream. At least, I think it was a lovely dream. Though if I really thought about it, there was this tidal wave of anxiety waiting on the edges of my mind, pulling at me, trying to drag me under. What had I been dreaming about?

"Piper, it is half past one in the afternoon. You have missed your appointment with Doctor McCoy. He sent me to retrieve you."

I groaned in protest. Why did he always have to be so mean and pick on me? Just because he was, like, God's hottest creation and he had his _own_ sharp and commanding voice did not mean that Spock could waltz into my apartment all willy-nilly and -

My eyes snapped open and I shot up in bed, narrowly missing Spock's face hovering over me in concern. Surprised, he took a step back from me as I sat there, like an idiot, and gaped at him.

"You're in my bedroom," I said intelligently. Spock raised an eyebrow at this redundant statement. I blinked stupidly at him, and then his last words to me sank in. With a great gasp of horror I threw my blankets off and leapt from the bed.

"Ohshitohshitohshit, Bones is going to _kill_ me. Is he still in his office? Do I have time for a shower? No, I shouldn't shower I need to hurry and - but if I'm already late it just makes sense to freshen up, I can't be _more_ late than - you know what scratch that I'm just going to grab coffee while I run out the - "

" _ **Piper**_ _._ " I froze. Never in my life had Spock growled at me like that. Slowly, my feet frozen in my mad dash around the room, I turned my head to look at him.

Spock was leaning against my nightstand, his hands digging into the wood so hard his knuckles were white. Every single muscle in his body was tense, his back hunched over as if he'd suddenly been weighed down by something. He was breathing heavy, I could tell by the way his shoulders were shaking, could hear them rattling in his chest from across the room. But his eyes were the thing that really captured my attention.

They were so dark they looked black, his pupils blown wide. They were fixed on my every move, cataloging every twitch of my muscles. His gaze was hot and heavy against my skin, and everywhere he looked _burned_ so hot I thought I was going to burst into flames. It ignited a heat that started in my fingertips and travelled low in my belly. My throat ran dry and I wet my lips with my tongue. Spock's eyes drank in the sight before snapping up to mine. A shudder ran through his body, and his fingers tightened their grip so hard I heard the wood splinter under his palm.

"Sp-Spock? What's wro - "

" **Do not speak** ," he bit out. My voice died instantly in my throat, and I tried to hide the shiver that ran through my body. His eyes sharpened on me immediately, so I felt safe assuming I didn't hide it very well.

His voice was so low and rough and oh my _God_ it made me want to do terrible, terrible things to his body.

"You must immediately put on more appropriate attire, for both our sake."

Dumbly, I looked down. It took a moment to process what I saw. I wish, in that moment, that I had stayed forever asleep in my coma.

I am a creature of comfort; I like what I like. For example, I luxuriate in expensive fabrics. I love the indulgent feeling of them brushing against my skin. It makes me feel feminine and comfortable in my body. I don't cheap out on my fabrics. Which is especially true for my bed. I prefer the more expensive Egyptian and Orion made silks when it comes to bedding. And if I'm going to spend that much money on _sheets_ , then I will appreciate how they feel.

Normally this isn't a problem, people don't usually catch me unawares. However, Spock had surprised me, and I never _thought_ about what I was wearing, I simply _wore_ it and knew it as pajamas. So it hadn't struck me as odd to jump from my mattress and traipse around my room.

This was, in hindsight, _a grave mistake_.

Seeing as I usually sleep in just my underwear.

Granted, it was cold last night, so I threw on a shirt I'd first bought for - then stolen from - Bones after our first year at university. But I never wore a bra to sleep because _gross_ , so everything was just kind of out there. And even in the depths of mortification, I knew that Spock had noticed. There probably wasn't a thing Spock _hadn't_ noticed, with the way I'd been running around.

" _OHMYGOD!_ " My voice left me in an explosive boom right before I ran into my bathroom and locked the door. Even though I was safely hidden, I still grabbed my robe and threw it around me, tying the knot as tight as I could.

I didn't hear Spock walk up to the door, but I heard it as his hand thumped against it. It made me jump and squeak in surprise. My face was _on fire_. I was gonna die. I was so going to die, just from the sheer humiliation. I'd be the first case of spontaneous human combustion and burn to dust because _how could I forget I wasn't wearing pants ohmygod I just flashed my First Officer my underwear and I'm pretty sure I'm wearing the pair that says 'kiss this' on my ass._

"Forgive me, Piper, I did not mean to embarrass you." His voice, muted as it was with the door in the way, still had this dark promise of _something_. Free from his piercing gaze, I allowed myself to tremble fully at the way it made my toes curl. I wanted to say something, anything, but I couldn't get my voice to work right.

I covered my face with my hands and shook my head at my own idiocy.

"Piper?"

 _Ugh_.

"I-I'm fine, Spock. You don't need to apologize to me, I'm the one that was so thoughtless. I hope I didn't embarrass _you_." My voice trailed off with a nervous chuckle. Everything sounded too loud. My heart pounding away in my chest, my voice bouncing off the walls, the sound of my own heavy breathing. I feared that he could hear the blood rushing through my veins as well as I did. Spock was silent for a moment.

"I am not embarrassed." His voice was quieter, more subdued. It sounded more like how he normally was, and less like he… like he wanted to…

I shook the thought from my head. Nope, no, absolutely not going there.

Tentatively, I took a step towards the door. My hand shook as I raised it up to the metal dividing us, but once I rested against it, the appendage stilled. If I thought hard enough, I could _almost_ feel the warmth from his own hand.

"Sorry for… _that_ ," I muttered. I heard a sound right next to my face, and I wondered if he was balling his hand into a fist against the smooth metal. I leaned my forehead against the door, feeling both excited and apprehensive.

"You have no need to apologize. I am the one who startled you." I hmmed as I remembered.

"Don't let me off the hook so easy just because I flashed you." There was a soft noise that I thought might be a chuckle, but it was too hard to tell being stuck in the bathroom. I thought about leaving the safety of isolation so he and I could talk face to face, but my cheeks flamed at the mere idea of ever seeing his face again. I quickly dismissed the idea.

And then I remembered just how upset I still was with my Vulcan.

Here I was, avoiding him like I always did with my problems, and he just waltzes in and nothing is wrong. It didn't sit well with me, and I suddenly very much wanted to be alone.

I frowned.

"Now that you've delivered the message from Bones, though, I need to get ready quickly and leave to meet him, so I don't really have time to chat with you." My voice was hard and clipped. It didn't even really sound like me, it sounded like someone much more jaded.

There was a very heavy pause, and I could almost _taste_ his surprise at the sudden change in my attitude.

"...Very well, Piper. I apologize for startling you. Enjoy the rest of your day and let me know if you are in need of something."

I listened to the slow sound of his retreat until I was left alone in silence. It was only then that I let out a groan of frustration.

It was cowardice. I'll admit it. I knew it for what it was. Here I was with the perfect chance to talk to him, to ask him _why_ , but I just couldn't do it. I was too scared. The idea of losing Spock in any way petrified me more than anything I could think of. He made it through my death okay because that's who he was, and he didn't put as much stock into emotional connections with people.

I was not that way.

I gave everything for the people around me, but none more so than Spock. My life had taught me some very _hard_ lessons early on, but the one that really stuck with me was how useless emotions were if you didn't have anyone to share them with. Feelings were given purpose - meaning - by the relationships they influenced, by the people they spread between. It connected us all through our darkest moments and brightest days. When people looked back on their memories, the fondest ones always included other people.

People, connections… they gave life meaning.

So I lived my life for other people. I shared freely of what I felt and thought, so that it might help someone not feel so alone. I encouraged those around me to do the same, and was rewarded by the closeness that everyone in my crew shared with one another.

But the biggest piece of myself, the purest emotion I had to give… that belonged to Spock.

I have never, not once, met anyone in my life that fills every part of me the way he does. Every waking and dreaming thought seems to gravitate towards him. I've lost count of how many times I've caught myself staring at him, memorizing the shape he takes in a room. I told Bones once that I feel like a needle in a compass, and he feels like my true north. Like I'm always pointed in his direction, looking to him to help guide my feet. But… it's more than that.

Spock may be reserved and uncomfortable showing his emotions to others, but I _know_ he feels them just as strongly as I do. I've seen them looking out at me from behind his brown eyes, his human eyes, and it never fails to catch my breath. Every single slip in his mask, every tiny crack is like a piece of treasured gold. I discover more and more about him every time we talk, and the more I uncover, the more _starved_ I feel to learn him.

I want to _know_ this man in ways no one can ever claim to know him. I want to know the shape his lips take to press against mine. I want to know the heat of his skin at the hollow of his throat. I want to know what thoughts keep him awake when he's tired, and what he would need from me to help silence them. I want to know what passions he harbors, and what he's always looking at on the horizon. I want to know if he would leave me behind to reach those goals, or if he'd slow down to walk with me towards them. I want to know what scares him, and what gives him strength. I want to know the stretch of him sinking into me, and all of those secret moans of pleasure he would earn. I want to know what his eyes look all lidded and blissed out, and I want to know his favorite color.

Mostly I just want to know why he doesn't love me back.

Thoroughly depressed and frustrated, I stepped out of my room to grab my communicator. It was even more cowardice, and this would bite me in the ass as soon as Bones was off work, but I was too depressed to care. I shot off a message to him, with a very lame excuse saying my allergies got the better of me and apologized for being late, citing needed bed rest for the remainder of the day.

Yet another problem I hadn't solved. Bones and I hadn't really talked either since I'd stormed out of the hospital. Granted, it was only, like a day and a half since then, but still. It was the principle. And now I was lying to him.

And Spock too, as I realized my excuse to get him to leave was now rendered useless.

Snapping my communicator shut, I threw it spitefully on the bed and stomped over to my bathroom. Maybe if I made the water hot enough, I could burn my skin away until I became someone I still recognized.

* * *

"Piper, you _have_ to talk to him."

I threw Uhura a hateful glare and ground my teeth together.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure being an independent, grown woman means I don't _have_ to do anything if I don't want to."

Uhura rolled her eyes and didn't even bother turning away from the stove as she cooked. I wasn't exactly sure what it was, but it smelled heavenly. It only made me more annoyed with the woman.

"Contrary to popular belief, just because you pay taxes that doesn't mean that you're _all grown up_ now. You're a wonderful person, Piper, you really are. I'm better for having met you. But you have the tendency to blind yourself to the truth when it scares you, and you don't always make the most mature choices when you're scared."

"Well your face isn't a mature choice."

Uhura threw me a very sardonic look over her shoulder. Now thoroughly grumpy, I stuck my tongue at her and blew a very satisfying raspberry. She half turned to face me and waved the spatula threateningly in my face.

"You see, this is exactly what I'm talking about! You don't want to admit you're scared so instead you're acting like an infant to deflect my attention away from your emotions."

"I don't have emotions."

The quip was out of my mouth before the thought to speak had completely formulated. Uhura crossed her arms, spatula still in hand, flinging bits of food onto my counter. I frowned at the globs of… whatever it was.

I had _just_ cleaned the place.

"Please, you are probably the most emotional person I've ever met. You are constantly making emotional decisions as Captain before thinking your strategy through. It's why you're always getting hurt whenever you leave the ship."

I crossed my own arms and pouted.

"Now you're sounding like Bones," I groused. "And Spock."

"Well _maybe_ you'd hear it a little less if you started listening to us."

I sniffed primly down my nose at her and said nothing. Uhura sighed heavily and turned back to the pan where she angrily stirred the contents.

"Anyway, that's all beside the point. I know you're upset with him, and you're confused and hurt - even if you won't admit it to me. Talking to him has got to be the last thing you want to do, but you won't stop being hurt and upset with him until you do."

I picked uncomfortably at a piece of dirt on my island.

"And now you sound like Jenna," I muttered.

"Who?"

"My therapist."

"Ah. She must be a smart woman." I rolled my eyes at Uhura's back, but felt a small smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.

A few minutes of silence passed between us while Uhura finished the final touches on her dish and helped me set the table. I grabbed a bottle of red wine from my fridge and two glasses while she snagged the plates. We split the silverware between us.

It was only after both of our plates were filled with food (it looked kind of like curry) that I finally felt my thoughts settle into something I could sort through. Uhura picked up her fork for the first bite but stopped when she saw me hesitate. Her brown eyes watched me, intently reading the struggle displayed on my face.

"I'm just… I don't know. There's something in me that I'm wrestling with that is _so_ terrified of the idea of talking to him. I don't know why this is so hard, I've never had problems talking to him in the past, but now I am just…"

Uhura's brows pulled together with concern. She reached over and laid her hand gently on mine. I squeezed her hand tightly, grateful for her silent strength.

"There's something in me that's very, very broken, Nyota. I can't afford to keep putting myself out there if I'm only going to get hurt."

Was it weird to talk about my feelings with Uhura about her ex? I felt like it should be weird, but she never gave an indication that it made her uncomfortable. Honestly, it baffled me. Though I had to admit, it was really nice to have a friend that understood Spock like I did that I could talk to about all of this. I spent less time explaining Spock and more time talking about… me.

On second thought, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

"You're assuming that's the only option, Piper."

I shrugged awkwardly, refusing to let her hand go.

"Well, I don't have a lot of faith in people anymore, I guess."

Uhura frowned.

"Throwing everyone under an umbrella because of past experiences is a little unfair, don't you think?"

I narrowed my eyes at my plate and finally let go of her hand, curling my hands in my lap. Exhaustion pulled at me. Why did everyone ask so much of me? Jenna was the only one who understood me, who never asked more than I was capable of. It all made me so _tired._

"Yeah, well, when you get the same treatment your whole life, it's hard to expect anything else." Uhura pulled back from me and frowned, leaning back in her chair.

"Only if you make it that way."

I blinked heavily, my mind slowing down with my weariness. This wasn't what I wanted when I invited Uhura over. I got enough lectures from Bones.

I missed Bones.

Why was my life always so _hard?_

And why was I suddenly so worn out?

Oh shit, Uhura was talking.

"- own worst enemy, Piper. Your life doesn't have to be so tragic, these things only have power over you if you give it to - Piper? _Piper?!_ "

I tried to tell her I was fine, but I could barely make noise as I slumped over and fell out of my chair. Distantly, I heard a crashing noise and something shattered off to my side. Hands pressed frantically at my face and neck. I wanted to swat them away, but my hands only twitched.

Maybe just a quick nap. Then I'd feel better.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hi, hello. Yes I have been gone awhile. I'm sorry. I had a bit of a crisis in my life and couldn't focus enough to finish this chapter. I have run out of my buffer of chapters so I'm going totake a couple weeks to build it back up. Hopefully I have things for you guys soon! Enjoy the chapter and let me know what you think with a comment!
> 
> Also, please excuse any spelling errors, I'm posting this from my phone.

_An_ _awareness_.

_**It's happening more often, Q. I left in the middle of dinner with my friend.** _

_"Yes, it would seem you did."_

_A sigh._

_**Is there anything you can do to help me?** _

_"Piper. Darling, sweet, little Piper, you have to tell him."_

_**Ugh. Not you too.** _

_A soft chuckle._

_"Yes, even me. Why do you keep fighting this?"_

_A pause._

_**I don't… I don't know.** _

_A tsk._

_"Well that just won't do, pet. You can't build a relationship off of distrust. You should really get working on that, by the way, you're beginning to fade, my love."_

_A panic._

_**Q how am I supposed to get to work on this if I can't remember anything when I wake up? I always forget this place when my soul goes back to my body.** _

_A hum._

_"And what do you think would happen to a soul that remembers death?"_

_A tremble._

_**What… What am I supposed to do?** _

_A hug._

_"Oh my little light, you cause yourself so much unnecessary pain."_

* * *

The soft beep of the EKG was the first thing I noticed. If that wasn't an obvious enough sign, the scratchy texture of the sheets confirmed that I was lying in a hospital bed.

_Lovely._

I tried to open my eyes, but they were so heavy I quickly gave up on the idea. I couldn't afford to waste what energy I had on an impossible task. I was barely holding on to staying conscious as it was. I decided to focus on what I could hear around me instead.

There was the sound of my breathing, though it was muffled by the whooshing of a ventilator. This confused me. Was that me? Was I on the ventilator? Why was I on a ventilator? Probably the same reason I was in the hospital again.

Hmm.

If I focused hard enough, I could hear the sound of someone else breathing. This piqued my interest. It was soft and even enough that I assumed the person was asleep. Was I sharing the room with someone? That was weird, Bones always gave me a private room. Was Bones that mad at me from our fight?

That seemed extreme.

I heard the soft sound of a door opening and shutting a moment later as someone walked into the room. I relaxed as I recognized his footsteps. I would always know Bones' footsteps.

The body next to me shuffled but otherwise remained silent.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. I just have to check her vitals."

The soft drawl of his voice washed over me, his southern twang just as warm as the first day I'd heard it. It was probably my favorite thing about Bones, because it sounded like _family_ , and you could tell he was a father by the way he couldn't cover up how much he cared for other people when he talked. Maybe that was why I latched on to him when we first met, though I'd be caught dead before I admitted that to him. He would tease me about it _forever_.

"It is no problem, Doctor, I am unbothered."

Oh. It was Spock sitting next to me.

That's good, I was in a private room, then.

Bones moved to my other side, and I heard him press a few buttons on his PADD and make a noise of interest. Spock was silent, and I could easily picture the way his dark brown eyes would carefully watch over every movement from my southern friend to try and glean any information.

That Vulcan was such a stress ball.

"That's weird…" Bones said it so quietly I almost missed it. Spock, however, did not.

"What is it?" Spock's voice was sharp and much more alert this time.

"It's nothing wrong, settle down. The readings on her brain waves are different, that's all. This is… closer to REM." There was a pause and a faint pressure near my eyes. I tried to open them, to move my hand, say something, anything.

I was depressingly unsuccessful.

"I don't see any eye movement, but by her vitals she's only sleeping. Maybe she's coming out of her coma. Have you noticed any change in her behavior over the last five minutes?"

"Negative."

They lapsed into silence.

"Hmm. I'll keep an eye on it then."

"Doctor, does this mean she is returning to consciousness?"

Bones sighed in a way I've never heard from him before. It made me feel sad and wish I could hug him and apologize for our stupid fight and my stupid temper. I should have been more patient. My last words spoken to him were in anger, and now I was trapped in my own mind with no way to let him know that I was _here_ and I was _so sorry_.

"I honestly don't have a goddamn clue, Spock. I've never seen anything like this before, I'm completely in the dark."

There was a soft dissatisfied noise from where Spock sat and the sound of him shifting his weight.

"That is very unfortunate."

Bones snorted.

"Now there's the understatement of the year." The two of them fell quiet once more and I despaired. "Nothing with her is ever easy."

I felt a very soft pressure on my arm. My skin prickled and I felt goosebumps erupt where he touched, and I could _feel_ him occupy a small piece of my mind with me. I tried to reach across the canyon in my mind, to hold him close and ask him to save me because I didn't know how to save myself but I couldn't reach far enough. I was too tired, too weighed down by this pressure pressing me down into my own mind. It was enough to make a girl wanna scream.

The warm pressure paused in his light caress before it disappeared. I relaxed momentarily before I could sense him hovering right next to me. Warm, safe, comforting. The smell of him alone washed over me, and I fell into a kind of trance at the feeling of finally being _home_. My lips prickled with the desire to chase after his scent with my tongue and discover how it differed from the taste of his skin.

There was a light brush on my cheek.

"Piper?" Spock's voice was low, and it _pulled_ at me. I wanted so, _so_ badly to tell him that I was here. I was immensely frustrated that nothing in my body worked right.

"Spock, what is it?" Now Bones sounded closer, and very concerned. There was a dip in the mattress next to me. Was Spock sitting down on my bed now?

"I am not entirely certain. I believe I felt some emotions coming from her when my hand touched her arm, but it was very faint."

"Well what the hell does that mean?"

Spock's warm fingers gently tucked a loose tendril of hair behind the shell of my ear, trailing over my skin and leaving fire behind in his wake.

"I do not know. I can only feel shadows of her, and it is unclear whether or not it is simply because I desire to know she is safe."

Another hand ruffled my hair, not as warm but just as gentle and comforting.

"Yeah," Bones said thickly, "I'm worried too."

I struggled with all my might, tried to give some sign that I was there, but it sapped the last of my strength, and all I knew was darkness.

* * *

Between one breath and the next my eyes snapped open and I was choking. There was a great giant tube running down my throat, and for a moment I panicked because _I couldn't breathe_ , but then air was shoved into my lungs artificially from the tube and I wanted to gag.

Hospital.

Nurses.

Where was the damn call button?!

My hand wildly slapped around for the magic button that would help me as a machine continued to breathe for me. It was a real struggle not to give in to the anxiety churning in my stomach. I only felt better when a soft chime let me know I was successful in my cry for help.

Immediately a nurse poked her head into my room, eyes wide. Seeing me flailing around at the ventilator she squeaked and disappeared. I groaned loudly in frustration. I felt a pressure building in my eyes that signaled tears were imminent as another full breath was forced down my lungs.

Moments later a very haggard looking Bones rushed through the door with the nurse in tow behind him. I reached a hand out blindly and he ran over and grabbed it before I had a chance to think.

He was shaking.

I blinked tears out of my eyes, feeling them make tracks down the side of my face. I whined and pulled at the tubing on my face.

"I know, I'm gonna take it out right now but you have to stop and put your hands down. Leslie, come here, I need your help. Turn off the ventilator, please." The nurse nodded and ran over to the other side of the bed, and I relaxed against the sheets with instant relief. Bones gave my hand a hard squeeze before he gently placed it back down on the bed.

The blonde I now knew as Leslie handed Bones a set of gloves and began pushing more things on machines while he pulled them on.

"Okay, Piper, this isn't going to be very comfortable but it shouldn't hurt too bad. What I'm going to do first is cut the tape holding the tubes in place. You're going to take a few big breaths, as big as you can, hold it, and I'll pull the tube out. Sound good?"

I nodded, feeling soothed by the calm he was exuding around me. Wordlessly, Lesie smiled encouragingly at me as her own gloved hands settled around where the tubes rested against my lips.

"Ready, Doctor." Bones nodded at her, a pair of scissors in his hand. He hooked his finger through the tape behind my ear and snipped it. I felt a momentary sag before Leslie caught the plastic and was supporting the weight for me.

"Okay, Piper," Bones began, "take a deep breath."

I breathed.

"Go ahead and let it out. Now take another deep breath. Let it out. Good. One last big inhale, and hold it."

Bones smoothly pulled the tubes out, and I gagged on the feeling as saliva filled my throat, making me struggle to breathe. I shot forward, one hand fishing the hospital gown over my chest. My other hand reached out for him, and Bones grabbed it again, placing his other on my back.

"Cough, Piper, cough through it."

I coughed so hard my head swam and spittle flew out of my mouth onto the sheets covering me, but when I was done I could breathe easier. Completely worn out, I fell back against the bed. My grip on Bones' hand slackened, even as his tightened.

Leslie placed a nasal cannula on my face, hooking it around my ears. The sudden rush of concentrated oxygen helped me feel more awake, but the air tickled at my already dry throat, and I coughed once again.

"Do you need some water?" Leslie asked me, her brow furrowed in concern. I nodded gratefully, offering her a weak smile. She returned it happily and excused herself. Bones was silent until she left.

"Are you feeling okay?" I rolled my eyes up to him with a very flat look. He chuckled against his will and squeezed my hand tightly. "Right, dumb question. Do you remember what happened?"

I pursed my lips and nodded.

Uhura was gonna _kill_ me.

"How-" I winced as my vocal cords stung. "How long?"

"How long have you been out?" I nodded. Bones sighed and looked away, and the anxiety returned in my stomach. "Five days."

I wheezed another small cough of surprise as my breath caught in my throat. Leslie returned with a big plastic cup that had a handle and lid. She was sticking the straw through the top as she crossed the threshold of my room. She walked up to me and held the cup in her hands as she guided the straw to my lips.

"Now take very small sips, Piper, you don't want to choke." I sighed happily as the cool water restored feeling to my abused throat. I relished as the coolness slipped down into my belly before my body warmed the liquid. I drank a few small sips gratefully and leaned back when I finished. Leslie set the jug on the table next to my bed and gave me another bright, comforting smile.

"Is there anything else I can do for you?" I shook my head and smiled wearily at her.

"No, thank you." My voice was still hoarse, but speaking was a lot easier now. Leslie nodded to first me, then Bones, and left the room.

Bones and I stared at each other for a long time. He looked run down, unsure of where to start.

I knew where to start.

"Bones, I'm so sorry for how I treated you the last time I was here. Exhaustion is no excuse for -"

"None of that matters now. I already forgave you. For what it's worth, I'm sorry for how hard I ran you into the ground that night."

I looked down at the hospital gown I wore and frowned.

"Yeah, well, you had good reason."

Bones was checking my vitals when I looked back up at him.

"Whatever it is, it's getting worse, isn't it?" He froze under my scrutiny. "It's okay, you can admit it to me, Bones, I'd rather know."

My bottom lip trembled, betraying all attempts to seem brave. His face fell as he sat heavily down on my bed. Both of our eyes were growing misty. I didn't want this to be my reality, it was my worst nightmare coming true before my eyes. I had to live every day as my death loomed over my head. Honestly this was more excruciating than radiation poisoning. That had been more painful, but a much quicker death. This was slow, teasing me with its cold clutches every now and again.

"Piper, I'm so _sorry_ , I can't figure out what's wrong. I'm only getting more questions. Your blood work from the last draw came back and I can't even _begin_ -" Bones made a choked noise of frustration and brought my hand up to his face. I rested it lightly on his cheek, scruffy with the stubble he never seemed to get under control. I drew in a shaky breath.

I didn't know what disturbed me more, the knowledge that I was dying and we had no clue why, or that Bones couldn't keep a hold on his composure. He never lost his cool. Not where I could see it anyway. Not like this. He looked… _broken_.

I pulled weakly on his scrubs. He leaned closer to me, and as soon as I could I threw my arms around his shoulders. I felt his own arms wrap tightly around me in response, and I began crying. I buried my face in his shoulder and _wept_.

I didn't want to die. I've never wanted to die. Which doesn't say much, no creature with a sense of self-preservation _wants_ to die. But for me it's… different? I've always felt like I had more left to do, like there was some important thing I hadn't accomplished yet, and I couldn't take the long sleep until I'd seen it through.

This feeling that I wasn't finished was now so strong as to seem oppressive. I felt crushed under the weight of it, and I was so mortified that I would be dead before I even had the chance to find out what it _was_ I'd been waiting for.

I don't know how long we sat there, wrapped around each other and crying. Long enough for me to feel wrung dry of every emotion _ever_. When he pulled back, Bones looked just as tired as I felt.

"You look like shit." It slipped out of my mouth before I could think to keep my observation quiet. Bones let out a surprised, watery laugh and whacked me lightly on the back of my head. I chuckled.

"At least I don't look like I've been lying in a hospital bed for five days." I pinched his arm in retaliation.

"Your face is a hospital bed." Bones rolled his eyes and sat back, leaning on one hand. I smirked at him and leaned back, reaching for my water to take another soothing sip.

"Are you going to discharge yourself again?" he asked me quietly. I set my mug down on the table again and shook my head slowly.

"No," I admitted, my voice just as soft. "Not after this latest episode. I don't think it's a good idea until you say otherwise."

"Oh now she listens to me," I heard him grumble. It made me smile, there was no real heat behind his words.

Slowly, Bones stood up to his full height and stretched his arms above his head with a satisfied groan. I winced when I heard several joints pop. Just how long had Bones been awake?

"I was in the middle of something when Leslie found me, so I have to leave for a little while to finish up. Do you want anything when I get back?" My stomach grumbled fitfully and I blushed at the noise.

"Am I allowed to eat yet?" Bones thought over his answer for a moment.

"Normally you would have to wait a full 24 hours after extubation, but seeing as you had water anyway and I'll be in here the whole time… I guess a jello cup would be fine."

I pouted.

"A _jello cup_?"

"Fine, since you're so spoiled I'll bring you _two_ jello cups."

I glared at him, even as Bones grinned down at me.

"You're evil and I super hate you."

His laughter followed him out the door, and I was instantly bored. Five days huh? Damn. I should have asked him about my communicator before he left, I'm sure there were missed messages.

My head thunked against my pillow as I huffed in frustration when I realized I had missed two appointments with Jenna. Great. I hope Bones had the foresight to let her know about the situation or she was going to be very cross with me.

God, and Uhura was probably out of her mind with worry. I covered my face and moaned at the thought of _that_ conversation. Life was so much easier when I was in a coma because then I didn't have to deal with it.

I heard the door open once again and startled. That was fast. Man, Bones wasn't kidding when he said a few minutes. I peeked out from between my fingers and my stomach dropped.

Spock stood frozen in the doorway, his brown eyes wide and staring at me with an expression I couldn't place.

"S-Spock, I didn't know you were here." My voice, still rough from the intubation tube, was even more raspy with my surprise. His fingers clenched around a PADD I hadn't noticed when I spoke.

"I was similarly unaware you were awake," he countered.

"Yeah, I just woke up a couple minutes ago. Bones helped me take that stupid breathing tube out." Spock stood by the door for a moment and made a noncommittal noise. His eyes ran over my face searching for… something before he collected himself and stepped fully into the room. I dropped my hands back to the bed and fiddled with the blanket. This felt too similar to the last time he'd seen me in a hospital and it was making me feel really anxious and kind of cornered.

"I am pleased to see you in better health. You had the doctor and myself quite worried over your well-being." I shrugged silently, refusing to look up and meet his eyes. I could feel him trying to catch my gaze and pierce me with his intensity, but I didn't give him the satisfaction. He waited for a few moments, waiting for me to respond, before he pressed on.

"I was unaware you were facing such severe health concerns, Piper." My mouth pulled down at the corners with his tone. I could clearly hear the accusation, and it made anger stew in my stomach. He had _no right_.

Still, my lips remained sealed.

Spock sighed. If I wasn't trying so hard to keep calm against the turmoil in my head, I probably would have had more of a reaction to it. Spock didn't sigh very often. Or ever, really. It was a show of emotion I hadn't seen from him anyway.

"Piper, please talk to me. I am… stricken with a panic I cannot even begin to contain-"

"So talk to Bones if it'll make you feel better," I snapped.

Well, shit. So much for keeping my cool.

Spock blinked at me, surprised at the interruption.

"I have over the past five days, but he has not been very forthcoming with your diagnosis as I am not your medical proxy." I grit my teeth together so hard, I could hear them grinding.

Why wasn't he picking up on my body language? Why did he _never_ figure it out?

"I don't understand what speaking to me will clarify about my health, Bones is the one with the medical degree."

Spock sat rigid in his chair, and I chanced a glance up at his face. His lips were pursed, his eyes narrowed in me as I could _feel_ him thinking. It made me squirm and reach for my water, if only to have something to do. Spock didn't speak as his brain worked through this sudden problem I knew I presented, and I offered nothing in return. After a few moments, he finally broke the silence, his voice soft but hard with conviction.

"You are upset with me." It was a _struggle_ not to roll my eyes, it really was.

"I'm fine, probably my chronic case of the comas."

"No," he dismissed immediately "you are angry with me and instead of speaking with me plainly to resolve the issue you are resorting to passive aggression and deflections in the hopes of irritating me so I will depart. I do not understand what I have done to anger you so and make you act so needlessly punitive, but I can assure you this will be laid to rest much easier if you tell me what ails you, Piper."

By the end of it, tears were swimming in my eyes, and my fists were shaking in my blankets. I wanted so _badly_ to reach over the scant few inches and grab his hand. I wanted to fall into his arms and cry because I was dying and _Bones had no idea why_. I wanted to smack him and kiss him and shove him away for being right. I was being punitive. I felt so disappointed in myself.

Jenna had been working so hard with me, and I really though I'd been getting better. I _felt_ better. Not the best I could be, but not who I was before and that was… something at least. But the first real test of my character, and I crumbled. I was avoiding my problems, and then when that didn't work I resorted to emotional warfare. All of my old tricks. And the shitty thing was that I intimately knew how damaging this behavior could be, from both sides of the coin. Frank loved playing mind games with me growing up, and I knew how easy it was to slip down that slope instead of admitting the hard truths to myself.

In this case, the hard truth was that I was scared Spock didn't love me the way I loved him, despite all these signs he'd given me recently. And instead of talking about our emotions like adults, I'd been trying to hurt him and push him away before he had the chance to hurt me.

The sad thing was that Jenna had warned me about doing this before I knew all the facts. I could be punishing Spock for something imaginary. I could be the entire reason I was suffering right now. In order to find out, though, that meant I had to tell Spock what about this made me so upset. Like, out loud. With words.

I took in a shaky breath.

I could do this. I could _do_ this.

"You're right. I'm not being fair. I'm sorry. I've been trying to work on that in therapy but I guess I still have a long way to go." Spock relaxed the tension slowly from his body, watching me with keen interest as I spoke.

"I saw Uhura recently. She told me you guys broke up, and when it happened."

Spock was suddenly unnaturally still.

"And I… I panicked that you hadn't told me for… really stupid reasons." I wiped my tears off my face and shook my head. No, no more downplaying. I had to be honest, for _once_ in my life.

I was so _tired_. _All the time._ I didn't have the energy for any kind of deflections. Besides, since I was dying and all, I didn't see the point in fighting. Especially when Spock hadn't even known about the fight in the first place.

Besides, I may or may not have felt childish for the grudge I was holding on to.

"I thought you didn't tell me because you didn't trust me. Because we weren't as close of friends as I assumed. I mean, you don't go around playing chess with just anyone, so I know you have to hold me in _some_ positive regard. You _act_ like we're friends, but you've never told me what you think of me except when I was dying. Which isn't a fair standard to hold you to. People always say things they don't mean when caught up in the dying moment. And my self-esteem isn't the highest, so I was looking for the worst in you, I guess, in some twisted way to protect myself -"

"Piper, please, cease your rambling." I stopped, biting my lips to keep the rest of the words from spilling out.

"Allow me to assure you, I think of you as my closest friend and confidant. You have my absolute loyalty and unwavering respect. There is no other being in the universe that can even hope to claim the position you occupy in my life, Piper. You are… singular in your existence to me and shall remain this way for the rest of my life."

My face flamed, as more tears built up in my eyes. I had never been more embarrassed and flattered and _emotional_ in my life.

"Then why did you keep it from me? If you're really my friend and you respect me as much as you say, why did you hide this from me?"

"It did not seem prudent to add to your worries pointlessly. You were barely awake from your first coma when Nyota and I separated, and I had no desire to give you ammunition with which to flail yourself. You have a knack for assuming guilt when you have no fault."

"So you lied to me? For _months_? I thought Vulcans didn't lie." Spock frowned at that.

"We do not lie."

"A lie of omission is still a lie, Spock. You could have told me just as easily as you hid the truth." His cheeks flushed a light green and he finally dropped his eyes to his hands. I felt I could breathe easier, being momentarily hidden from his sight.

"I had no idea you would take this matter so personally, Piper. I did not realize my relationship status meant so much to you and you would respond so emotionally."

I folded my arms grumpily and fpught againstthe furious blush I felt rising on my cheeks.

"Well you're my _best friend,_ Spock, and you really hurt my feelings. I can understand the logic of your decision, but my emotions are having a harder time catching up. I know you didn't mean to hurt me, but you did, and that doesn't always leave right away with an apology."

Which he still hadn't even explicitly said yet, but hey, who was keeping track?

"I _am_ sorry, Piper." Yikes. Had I said that out loud? "Hurting you is… unfathomable to me." Spock's face crumbled into something vaguely miserable and ashamed, making me uncomfortable with how intensely he was reacting. Or maybe it was just that Spock didn't seem to be bothering to mask his emotions at all from me, which I had never seen before. I was as fascinated as I was confused.

I would not, however, let this distract me from my pursuit of the truth. I couldn't move on until my curiosity had been satisfied, and I desperately wanted to move on. I didn't want to be this bitter person, hurting over every little thing.

I just didn't have the energy anymore.

I leaned heavily into my pillows and pulled my blankets up to cover more of my body, letting out a deep sigh.

"Well it's all spilled milk under the bridge now, and at least you owned up to it and apologized. I'm sorry for blowing it out of proportion. It's no excuse, but everything in my life recently has been crazy stressful, and I'm not the best at containing my emotions right now."

Spock inclined his head slightly and sat back in his chair.

"I understand. I hope this does not negatively affect your opinion of me."

I shrugged.

"Friends fight, it's normal. For humans, anyway. It doesn't mean that I want to stop being your friend. Sorry for my tantrum."

"It is no matter, it is forgiven. Let us not dwell on this."

I nodded in agreement, my eyes blinking heavily. Spock noticed immediately.

"Are you feeling fatigued?"

I nodded once again, relaxing against the deep timbre of his voice. It washed over me and soothed things inside me that I didn't want to think about. Things I didn't want to face, that I wasn't ready to admit to myself, let alone anyone else. Just for this moment, I wanted to simply enjoy his presence without any reservations. I felt like I could allow myself this treasure while in the hospital.

If nothing else, I could always blame it on my health issues.

"Do not force yourself to stay awake if you feel the need to rest. I have no desire to see you in this hospital any longer than necessary."

I snuffled into my blankets, all thoughts of waiting for Bones far from my mind as my exhaustion pulled me under, and I was gone.

* * *

" _I want you to watch something."_

_Contrary to all other times, I was not fully aware of myself. I recognized that I was once again floating through the galaxy, but the intricacies escaped me, the beauty eluded me. Everything felt too far away to witness, to abstract. Too ethereal._

_Or maybe I was the problem. It wouldn't be the first time. I always seemed to be the problem._

_"Piper, you must focus. You need to see."_

_I was sluggish, holding onto anything drew from reserves of energy I depleted a long time ago, but I tried. The urgency in his voice motivated me, whatever this was, I could tell it was important._

_**What… what is it?** _

_There was a presence that settled next to me, but it felt muffled, like there was a screen between us and I couldn't make out the shape of it clearly._

_"It's you, dear Piper."_

_This confused me. How could it be me? I was already here. What more was there to see? This man was so silly._

_Who was he?_

_Where… where was I?_

_"Piper, you must focus and stay here with me."_

_**Who… who are you?** _

_Everything in the universe seemed to freeze before this foreign sense of panic and urgency filled me. I recoiled from the wrongness of it, recognizing that it wasn't something of my own. I tried to make myself feel as small as I could, as unnoticeable as possible, before the emotiones were reeled back and disappeared._

_"Piper Rose Kirk, it is not your time to leave this life, and you will_ be here _and pay attention."_

_His voice was much nearer, softer, like he was speaking directly down into my soul. It made me shake with how surrounded I felt, and I wanted to fond somewhere to run, to hide but I couldn't move and there was nothing._

_A spark lit inside me._

_How_ dare _he order me around like this. I would not be intimidated into listening. Everything in me rebelled and I summoned every ounce of power I could and_ _ **pushed**_ _at him._

_I was filled with relief that was not my own._

_"Oh dear girl, there you are."_

_I looked around, dazed. I felt more myself, but very, very tired. Memories came flooding back to me, and I was powerless to stop them. Remnants of my past visits to this place, with this person._

_**Q, what's going on? What happened to me?** _

_He hesitated for several long moments before answering._

_"You are fading, Piper. You need to see this."_

_Instantly, we transported to the earth, hovered over it as the formless balls of energy we were. I felt Q directing my attention down at the planet and watched, amazed, as we sank down past raw atmosphere. Clouds parted around us as the San Francisco skyline reached up to greet us. Q pulled me towards the hospital where Bones worked, and with a soft pop of energy we were hovering in the corner of my room._

_There was a flurry of activity around me, obscuring my view of the bed where I could feel ny body was laying._

_"Doctor, she's seizing!"_

_Bines ran into my fiel of view cursing wildly, Spock hot on his heels. With growing horror I watched as the sea of nurses parted to give my friends access, giving me a clear line of sight._

_My blonde hair was plastered to my forehead with sweat as my body convulsed. Two sets of hands held me on my side as violent tremors wracked through my body. Another set of hands held my hands down firmly when the jersey up and narrowly missed my face. Alarms were sounding from several machines. There was some sort of liquid dribbling out of my mouth that I noticed with shock was blood._

_There was a very wet gurgle from my body with a particularly violent shudder._

_"Fuck, she's aspirating!" I could taste the panic from Bones as he ripped something out of the hands closest to him and shoved it in my mouth. It was too much, too visceral to watch my body as I died, and I couldn't bear it any longer. I looked away._

_Spock was standing right next to me, and everything in me stopped when I saw the tears gathering in his eyes. I didn't have a heart in this form, but I felt it break all the same._

_**Why are you showing me this? I don't want to see this.** _

_Q tutted quietly next to me._

_"Because, Piper, you don't have any time left, and you need to tell him."_

_I despaired._

_**How am I supposed to fucking do that when I never remember anything when I wake up?!** _

_"My little light, you don't need to -"_

_**No! You never give me a straight answer, you're always talking in circles. If I mean anything to you, then you need to tell me exactly how I'm supposed to remember so I tell him the next time I wake up.** _

_Q's sadness suffused through me like molasses._

_"I cannot give you the help you need, dear heart. It is forbidden."_

_I felt so small and cold._

_**Then that's it. I'm dead.** _

_Q wrapped around me in what I guess was supposed to be a hug, but how do you comfort someone who is encased in a glacier of sorrow? I wanted to scream, to rage against the unfairness of everything. My life was always so unfair, and I had never done anything to deserve this._

_"Shit, she's going to crash. Get me a cart and prepare for CPR!"_

_I looked over at Spock as his shoulders shook and he made a strangled noise I'd never heard from him before. A bit of the ice around my heart melted for , I realized the sound was him trying to contain a sob, and what was left of my emotions shattered._

_I shoved Q off me with force and floated over to him._

_I hadn't been able to help the last time he saw me die, but I could be there for him now even if he would never know, it at least eased some of my own guilt. Plus there was a kind of perverse pleasure from being able to touch him without reservation, after spending years having to restraining myself._

_I settled around his shoulders and wrapped myself around him and squeezed._

_Spock jumped as gasped. He turned around, his eyes wild and glassy with unshed tears. I couldn't feel the warmth of his skin, or smell the incense that left traces on his clothes, but I could feel a closeness to him that was just… right._

_Like I was finally exactly where I was needed. Where I was wanted. Like I had finally come home after a whole lifetime of searching._

_"P-Piper?"_

_I stilled._

_No, there was no way. He couldn't._

_Spock shakily raised a hand, his eyes searching intensely around him. I didn't dare hope, but his finagera settled on his chest, exactly where my hands would be if I had hands._

_I gasped._

_Spock tensed._

_Oh my God, he_ did _._

_**Spock?** _

_There was no reaction, except a shuddering inhale. Spock was vibrating underneath me._

_"He can't hear you, sweetness."_

_My lit dimmed as hope was dashed from me once again._

_**But… but I thought…** _

_"He can't_ hear _you, Piper."_

_It clicked._

_He could feel me close to him, but he couldn't hear me. Frustration licked at me, and my light burned brightly. Spock's hands trembled and fell to his sides._

_**But he can feel me, right?** _

_Q was subdued behind me, considering something for a very long moment._

_"You have to do it now, Piper. You have to tell him."_

_My frustration burned hotly into rage._

_**But you just said he can't hear me! How am I supposed to tell him if all he can do is feel my -** _

_Oh. Oh my God, why was I so stupid? Of course. Of_ course _._

_I focused everything I was on the feeling of his body next to me. I focused and filled myself with every scrap of love I felt for him. Every tear I'd ever cried over him, all the heartache of seeing him with Uhura, the joy of watching him work with his cool efficiency. The safety he gave me, the fear I felt of being vulnerable with him. Every complex emotion I ever felt that built upon my initial infatuation until it was something more real and lasting._

_All of my love for him poured through me directly into Spock's shoulders and he crumpled to his knees, another sob wrenching out from him._

_I followed him to the floor, squeezing tighter, afraid of what would happen when I finally had to let go._

_The fear of leaving him behind, of never really being his. The fear of what would happen if I was his, and what that meant for my fragile, broken heart. The trust I sheltered that I could finally let go and trust him in ways I would never trust another. The completeness I experienced simply by being near him, the way I wanted to explore all the different planes of his body. How lonely I was until I realized I would never be alone again after we became friends._

_How proud I was of the man he was, and how much he'd accomplished against the bigotry of both Vulcans and humans. How fiercely protective I felt over him and those emotions I knew burned just beneath the surface of him. How desperately I wanted to shred his walls and burrow so deeply into his soul that he would never question the utter devotion I had for him._

_Spock wiped the tears away from his face, and struggled to stand on his feet._

_Something tugged at me._

_Something that was not Q._

_I panicked and Spock froze._

_I dug my light into him, ripping away from that force. That feeling. That sensation that it… it was time to go._

_I didn't want to go._

_I screamed as loud as I could against another tug._

_**Spock, help me!** _

_"He can't hear you, Piper."_

_No, no he would always hear me. Spock always listened to me. Spock was always there for me._

_"Piper, it's time to go."_

_I didn't want to go, there was so much I hadn't given to him yet. I had a life's worth of love to give him and I wasn't finished. I wasn't done. I would never be done. How could I die when he still had a piece of me? How could I leave him like this?_

_Another tug, nearly separating us. Spock spun around wildly, and I could see the same panic reflected back in his eyes._

_I struggled against the coldness wrapping around me that was not my own. Tendrils of my light left him until the last of it was left around his face. I imagined my hands cupping his cheeks. I pushed, I_ pushed _until I was just close enough to make it, just a soft brush against his cheeks, just a tiny, just one last touch just a small kiss to let him know, please don't take me I'm not ready I can't just leave him please PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME LEAVE HIM I'M NOT DONE_ -

* * *

Spock stood rooted to his corner. He was unaware of the loud voices behind him, the last desperate acts of futility in the face of certain mortality.

He blinked the last tears out of his eyes, his gaze distant and hollow.

Then it sharpened into something determined and sharp. Spock's brown eyes blazed as he straightened his crumpled clothing and strode from the room with purpose.

**Author's Note:**

> Alrighty, so, like, I am very much not a medical professional. Or a scientist of any kind. So keep in mind I've taken a bit of creative license for the future. I hope you all enjoyed it! See you soon!


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